i want attention, i want attention

[monetpompo]

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"I don't say he's a great man. Willy Loman never made a lot of money. His name was never in the paper. He's not the finest character that ever lived. But he's a human being, and a terrible thing is happening to him. So attention must be paid. He's not to be allowed to fall in his grave like an old dog. Attention, attention must finally be paid to such a person." (Linda Loman, Death of a Salesman)

I want attention. I want to run around like a chicken without its head and just tell everybody that I'm gonna ctb and they need to pay attention to me or I'm gonna do it. It's silly of me to tell people I'm going to kill myself in the first place, since I know I'm not supposed to tell people, but I still say it since I'm not really worried about how I come across if I'm making plans to do it instead of just saying it. I want people to think of me and look at me and go, "Oh god, that person isn't going to be alive next year". It's such a twisted feeling. I know it's wrong. I've only told my close friends and not the acquaintances I have to avoid making them uncomfortable. The year I turned 18 I got into hooking up and I would overshare with the guys I gave head to since I thought that moment alone was the only time I could really be honest with anybody. They always thought it was weird how I wanted to talk so much. Sasu's basically been my replacement for talking about my life to somebody I don't even like. It feels good to have people ask about my life and ask why I want to kill myself. It feels good to be asked why I would want to die when I'm so young. I love how they assume I'm much younger than I actually am. Honestly, even I don't believe I'm 20.

It makes me angry to think about the kinds of stuff people would say to me because they're not really familiar with suicidal ideation, but I would like having a reason to argue so that I can finally feel right about something. I want some twisted sense of vindication even though no one really wins when you say "I want to kill myself" and you mean it for real. I just want to say it and have that statement matter instead of being some offhand thing I'm saying because I'm young or I'm just a silly melodramatic girl. Depression makes me feel so feminine because it makes me look weak, but when I look weak people want to pay attention to me more because they're worried about me. It feels like saying you're going to kill yourself as loud as possible in a room full of people wouldn't phase anyone, because it's been so trivialized by media and the way people say it. My fantasy is always that my death will be seen as a tragedy instead of something that happens every day to millions of people. I want to be the important one and I don't know why. Through dying, I guess I can imagine that people like me more than they ever could when I was alive. I know no one wants to listen to me be a broken record and keep texting about how I'm going to commit suicide soon/eventually/later this month. It feels more real the closer my date gets. I hate the feeling that I'm withering away instead of exploding like a bright star.

 

[getoutgirl]

It is hard to accept how tied some people's suicidality is to others perception of them, or how much it is influenced by it rather. How confusingly we crave it.
In my case I wanted to disappear, but a part of me chose that option because it would just look better. I'd look better. There is a stigma of weakness and cowardice to suicide, of insanity and immaturity even. But if you disappear... wdyk. It'd be tragic, but a better kind of tragic, and deep down I knew I liked that. I wanted my memory taken with good lightning and a dose of tragedy, not shame or ridicule.
That was not my whole reason for it, it never is, but it was there I can't deny.
I think you are dealing with this in your own way too. At least in regards to how others view you as you are doing this awful internally currently.
Is this all unhealthy attention seeking? or calls for help? or morbid fantasies born out of desperation and a confusing mess of feelings? yeah prbbly. Doesn't make any of it less real tho. If it causes you to think that then it is there.

So this wouldn't be to deny or minimize your suicidality, at all, but whenever I read your posts, to me you don't come off as someone who is really convinced of his suicide, or has the whole thing clear in any way. You want to die, that's for sure, but you seem to be in a constant jumble of emotions, paradoxically wanting others intervention or care in some way, in a good one, and just living in a shitty messy headspace daily really.
You also want something other than death but it is resisting you, and I can't point you to where exactly that is or what it is even, but I will point you to keep holding on and searching for it instead of dying soon.
It would be a death of desperation and not clarity. And you deserve better.

As I'm offering literaly 0 solutions I doubt reading this alone would point you towards doing anything in particular. But my opinion is you shouldn't die out of this state of confusion, and it probably means you can get out of it. That's my common rant but it is what I do, at least for these days take it easy <3

 

[monetpompo]

It would be a death of desperation and not clarity. And you deserve better. As I'm offering literaly 0 solutions I doubt reading this alone would point you towards doing anything in particular. But my opinion is you shouldn't die out of this state of confusion, and it probably means you can get out of it.

thank u getoutgirl. sorry for not dming but i still appreciate your comments very much.

yesterday i told my sister i'm dropping out of college next sem because i know i'm going to fail the rest of my classes at the rate i'm going. i said i was going to get a job or something. my sister plans on getting a job too. it really hurts to not want to continue school since i planned on going to university when i was young and studying to become a professor. i have stuff i want to do, but all those things i like feel completely out of reach. my lack of money and support from my family just feels like it's crippling me mentally and emotionally. i've been getting messages that i don't seem sure that i want to die, in the way other people are when they get their sn and write their goodbye threads, and i get what they mean. i love my friends and i love movies. i like buying cute things and making themed outfits when i have somewhere to go. yesterday i dressed like i was in a western. sometimes i'm jealous of the image someone has of me when they don't know me, where they see me as some interesting person that makes good jokes. i do think that if i die, i'm going to go out like a dog rather than die some dignified, beautiful death. it's hard to tell if i mind. i'm just in this weird, anxious state of pain and thinking about suicide is the only thing that seems to properly soothe me, since i'm so bad at coping. when i was younger i always had this image in my head of my death making me a martyr and important to everybody around me since i felt annoying and like no one liked me. it's silly of me to think my suicide will make people care about me more because i'm literally going to be dead. part of it's just ego and wanting to get a glimpse of how people will treat me if or when i die. i don't know why i want to be so important when i don't even like myself.

 

[Grog]

when i was younger i always had this image in my head of my death making me a martyr and important to everybody around me since i felt annoying and like no one liked me. it's silly of me to think my suicide will make people care about me more because i'm literally going to be dead. part of it's just ego and wanting to get a glimpse of how people will treat me if or when i die. i don't know why i want to be so important when i don't even like myself.

I sort of feel the same way, I think? For me, I think it's just because I was just so neglected by my parents, and shunned by a lot of people for being a chubby kid, and being into anime (and you got bullied for being an anime fan when I was a kid). So, now, I don't know… I just want someone to show some sort of gesture that they actually cared or that I actually mattered to them, even if it takes CTB and that I won't be around to really see it. I hope that makes sense~

I guess what I really want to say, is that I think I understand how you feel. And I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I know we haven't talked much, but I've seen you around on the forum and you seem like a very smart and interesting person~ people seem to be taking you for granted. You're worth knowing, and you are important, even if the people around you don't feel that way. They can go fuck themselves~

 

[getoutgirl]

It's cool
Also just so you know I too dropped out of college after crashing and failing way too many exams and courses, a lot in part because I was too depressed or suicidal to do even the bare minimum. So pretty similar in that regard, and pretty common too sadly.
But I will tell you somthing and it is that if you really want to become a professor, and think that could bring you some joy later in life, then reeeeeally gauge closely to which degree your college situation is unsalvable. More often than not, it isn't, it is very salvable. But when you are suicidal, and the anxious awful mess you are right now, it seems hopeless. Try to be as objective about it as you can. That obviously includes taking into account you being suicidal right now in how that affects your studying, and other factors. You judge it, but don't let hopelesness do the thinking for you.

Mental health is one of the biggest reasons people drop out, and that sometimes can be a regretable mistake if an understandable one. It could also sink you further down. We suicidal people have a call for that. In your case I think you should resist it. Hard when you have lack of support from family, but I do remember from other posts that you do have some few sources of support, a friend and your sis and some others, so try to cling to those and pay less attention to the rest.

You still have things you find joy in, you said it. The whole "Life is beautiful" is a sham anyway, it's those things, those are what people refer to when they say life. Friends movies and cute things and so on. If you sitll like those, love them in some cases, then that's it there is a life worth living for you. And I'm sure in time you could get to it.

Also, what @Grog said. Like word for word. Specially the fuck themselves bit. Important.
<3