I want a reason to keep trying

[-nobodyknows-]

I've always been the sort that needed someone else to motivate me. When I'm left alone for an extended period of time, I just sort of shut down.

This may be a little strange to say, but I wish I had someone or something to "live for". A reason to keep moving forward; to keep trying. Right now, everything just feels so cold and empty and pointless, and I can't stand it.

I feel like such a fool. I'm not one of those people who actually has a reason to feel this way. I'm selfish. I want something. Nothing horrible has ever happened to me, so why do I want to die? Shouldn't I be happy with my life the way it is?

And yet, I'm not. I'm so lonely and sad. I don't have anyone I feel close to. The loneliness of it all is driving me crazy. I want something, and yet, even if I had such a thing, would I even realize how important it was to me? Would I still not be satisfied? I don't know.

Still… it would be nice to have someone, a close friend or partner, who would be there. Someone who I could be with when I feel like this. Someone who I could try to live for. If I had someone like that, maybe then I'd be able to deal with this, somehow.

It's funny. I think about how long I've felt this way, and the one constant thing has always been that loneliness. It's always been there. It feels like it may be there forever. I don't know if anyone will ever be able to tear it off of me.

There have been plenty of stressors. But that loneliness is undoubtedly the root of the problem. So… what can I do about that?

That's the thing about loneliness. In the end, there's only so much you can do yourself to try to solve it. You have to rely on others to brush it off of you. However, not everyone is wanted by other people. I think I am probably of that sort. The sort that is not desired by anyone.

And yet, despite all of that, even if I'm no one will ever want me in their life to such an extent, the only thing that someone like me can do is pathetically keep trying. Keep begging; keep pleading. All with a smile, and trying to be the sort of person that someone might desire. It's so, so painful. Especially since nothing ever goes anywhere.

What else am I to do? There's nothing more I can do. I just have to keep trying to hold myself together, and hope that my scars don't scare anyone off. I have to keep doing that, day after day, until it kills me.

I cannot stop. I must not stop. If I stop, I'm dead. It's that simple.

What a disappointing way to live.

 

[Jisatsu]

I know exactly how it feels to be stuck like this. To feel empty like nothing matters, and to hate that you need someone else to keep going. I get it. That loneliness...you think it'll never leave, that no one will ever really see you, that maybe you're just not the sort of person anyone would want around. I know that feeling. I've lived it and I see you.
I can't promise it'll get better overnight. I can't promise people won't let you down. But you're not broken for feeling this way. You're not alone, even if it feels like it. And even when the scars, the pain, the loneliness feel like too much, the fact that you're still here is something worth holding onto.

 

[EmptyBottle]

For loneliness.. I have had voice calls on discord with online friends as we either played games or watched gameplay.

 

[boondoon]

For loneliness.. I have had voice calls on discord with online friends as we either played games or watched gameplay.

You weren't alone then? Not trying to make this a contest, but you clearly had people around you.

 

[EmptyBottle]

You weren't alone then? Not trying to make this a contest, but you clearly had people around you.

mm I still feel slightly lonely sometimes irl.. since I don't often get to do voice calls.

 

[boondoon]

mm I still feel slightly lonely sometimes irl.. since I don't often get to do voice calls.

Ah, I get that. But having voice calls every now and then helps keep your social skills active, so you're not completely out of touch. Wishing you the best, man.

 

[EmptyBottle]

Ah, I get that. But having voice calls every now and then helps keep your social skills active, so you're not completely out of touch. Wishing you the best, man.

thanks, u too.


PS: There are times where I want to vent an opinion (eg about the risks of the very place I use and like.. I admit I might be also acting riskily too sometimes)... yet don't want to misword it, get a bunch of angry emojis, and no true solution is found.

 

[DaisiesRegrets]

I understand all too much with how you feel, it's a truly terrible thing to be lonely. To feel like no one even wants to talk to you, that people and situations would be better off without you. The absolute pain of knowing you couldn't ever possibly fix it yourself. All I've ever asked for is one person who truly understands me, someone who knows me from head to toe and still accepts me. I think if I had that, I could look forward to tomorrow. But I doubt I ever will, eventually I'm sure I'll just settle or pick a mask and wear it until I die. I think I relate the most with the ending of your post. "Keep going", it's all I can do. I don't want to hear that I didn't try. For me, everyday is trying.

 

[Lady_V]

I'm sorry you feel this way and I understand a lot. Loneliness is a killer. I really hope you find your person to ease your days.