I wanna baja blast my brains out

[bloodbank]

I shouldn't want to as much as I do! I'm a relatively attractive, relatively youngish woman (almost 32) working in a respected field and have lots of loving friends and family. I have a dog and cat that I love and a supportive community. But I want to die so much that sometimes I can almost feel the sensation of cutting my wrists. It's like the tightness in your spine that makes you twist side to side to crack your back.

Despite everything, I feel so lonely and isolated that I've been struggling to keep it together in public. I started crying while out with my dog and had to add a block to our usual walk to pull it together before we went to the park. When I got home, I cried so hard I started hyperventilating. I go weeks without feeling human touch, sometimes so long that I start to feel like I'm not even real. Most men I've been with have been pretty bad. Insulted me, coerced me into sex, manipulated me, etc. I met someone who was different, he made me feel special. For six months, we talked every day. I supported him when he had COVID, I comforted him when his anxiety was overwhelming, slept in his bed, played with his dogs.

He met someone else. He told me he "hadn't been feeling it" but waited until he had an alternative so he wouldn't feel a moment of pain or loneliness. He told me all the things I did wrong, how making him little gifts made him feel like "scum." I was upset, this was the first man who was kind to me. I didn't lash out, I didn't attack him, but I told him how hurt I was. He blocked me on social media. He blocked my number. I had told him I deleted, so he called me before he blocked me so I would know. I managed to get in touch with him and he told me to calm down. The man who made me almost believe I was worthy of compassion and kindness did the same thing they all do: used me and made me feel like stupid trash. They always do.

Every time they go, they take a piece of me with them.

I want a family. I want to adopt and foster kids who need love. I want to buy an old house in some place rural and fix it. Have a yard, a garden. I can't do any of it alone. I'm tough but I can't make that kind of money and I'm trapped in a job I don't find fulfilling. I'll probably never find fulfillment in my work and feel like I'll spend the next 30 years waiting to die. There will be moments, sure. But the rest of the time I'll be staring at the clock and wishing my life away.

I know I can't ctb, none of my family or friends deserve the pain. I've thought about making it look like an accidentally OD, and could probably pull that off since most people know I dabble in hard drugs when given the opportunity. But I can't do that to my people. Fuck, I want to though. I can't take anymore heartache or loneliness.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you are suffering a lot. Some people really are so cruel and to me it's terrible the way that many people treat others. I'm sorry that you are in this situation, I know that it's hard to carry on when all that you want is to leave. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from what you are going through.

 

[Coffeebean77]

Do you think therapy might help? I'm asking as someone who's been in therapy for most of my life. Some was useless, but some worked. Just saying because you seem ambivalent about ctb, at the most.

 

[bloodbank]

Do you think therapy might help? I'm asking as someone who's been in therapy for most of my life. Some was useless, but some worked. Just saying because you seem ambivalent about ctb, at the most.

Yep! Spent most of my 20s in therapy and didn't find it particularly helpful. I'd get a lot of stuff about thinking positively and whatnot. But when I'd say "Okay, I have a lot of hobbies and a social life but I still what to chop my head off with a Sawzall. If confidence is my issue, what else am I supposed to do?" Then we'd get back into the positive thinking.

I am medicated for Bipolar II (extra strength depression) which has helped dull the urge to ctb but it's always there. I really don't want to hurt my loved ones but I feel so trapped in a life leading me away from sustainable happiness.

 

[Wilting Daisy]

I could envision everything you wanted in life, and it's beautiful.
How kind your heart must be to want to give children a second chance at compassion and family, and to make gifts for those you care about to show your love.
But.. it sounds like you're struggling to love yourself.
As cliché as it sounds, "Love yourself first" is true.
But don't sweat just yet- loving yourself is a spectrum. Not a destination where everything is perfect or "achieved."
The more you value yourself, the more quality people you will attract.
Now the question is: What would make you value yourself a bit more, and how do you go about doing that?
External things alone rarely help long-term and can be unreliable, such as people or material goods.
Ask yourself what resonates with you.
You don't have to be passionate about it. Few of us actually knew what we wanted to be when we grew up.
Take care of yourself, as you can't pour from an empty cup ❤

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Well you clearly deserve better…. I'm sorry you have to suffer through this

 

[dabestrn]

I shouldn't want to as much as I do! I'm a relatively attractive, relatively youngish woman (almost 32) working in a respected field and have lots of loving friends and family. I have a dog and cat that I love and a supportive community. But I want to die so much that sometimes I can almost feel the sensation of cutting my wrists. It's like the tightness in your spine that makes you twist side to side to crack your back.

Despite everything, I feel so lonely and isolated that I've been struggling to keep it together in public. I started crying while out with my dog and had to add a block to our usual walk to pull it together before we went to the park. When I got home, I cried so hard I started hyperventilating. I go weeks without feeling human touch, sometimes so long that I start to feel like I'm not even real. Most men I've been with have been pretty bad. Insulted me, coerced me into sex, manipulated me, etc. I met someone who was different, he made me feel special. For six months, we talked every day. I supported him when he had COVID, I comforted him when his anxiety was overwhelming, slept in his bed, played with his dogs.

He met someone else. He told me he "hadn't been feeling it" but waited until he had an alternative so he wouldn't feel a moment of pain or loneliness. He told me all the things I did wrong, how making him little gifts made him feel like "scum." I was upset, this was the first man who was kind to me. I didn't lash out, I didn't attack him, but I told him how hurt I was. He blocked me on social media. He blocked my number. I had told him I deleted, so he called me before he blocked me so I would know. I managed to get in touch with him and he told me to calm down. The man who made me almost believe I was worthy of compassion and kindness did the same thing they all do: used me and made me feel like stupid trash. They always do.

Every time they go, they take a piece of me with them.

I want a family. I want to adopt and foster kids who need love. I want to buy an old house in some place rural and fix it. Have a yard, a garden. I can't do any of it alone. I'm tough but I can't make that kind of money and I'm trapped in a job I don't find fulfilling. I'll probably never find fulfillment in my work and feel like I'll spend the next 30 years waiting to die. There will be moments, sure. But the rest of the time I'll be staring at the clock and wishing my life away.

I know I can't ctb, none of my family or friends deserve the pain. I've thought about making it look like an accidentally OD, and could probably pull that off since most people know I dabble in hard drugs when given the opportunity. But I can't do that to my people. Fuck, I want to though. I can't take anymore heartache or loneliness.

You seem like you have a really big heart and kind soul. Probably a strong empath. I'm that way. I think the more caring a person is, the more the pain. I could be wrong, but my opinion. Curious if you're in a "caring" profession, as you said it's "respectable". You don't have to say. But I was a RN for several years. I had to stop, and I'm only in my 40's. Anyway, hopefully you can find some peace/relief in whichever direction you take on your journey. Hugs!