I use to beat myself up until I realized I was right all along

[cowbain]

As a child I put on a mask and pretended like everything was fine. No one would've thought that everyday I had to go home to the person that raped me multiple times, that almost everyday at home was filled with arguing and fighting, that everyday I was exposed to drugs because my dad sold them, that I slept on the couch because I didn't have a stable bed of my own until I was 11, and that I was abused in every way possible by my own family. I suppressed everything and didn't dare to talk about my emotions because no one would really care enough to listen anyways. All the awful memories were stored in a suit case that I buried deep inside my mind. And apparently that way of being paid off because I was in advanced classes all throughout school. But at 14 that all changed. Everything I thought I securely had was taken away from me. I'm a firm believer that everyone has a threshold, even the people that act like they're above any negative thoughts. There's no way life can repeatedly beat you to the ground and in the end you're fine. Well, unless you're a psycho/sociopath or a narcissist and most people that claim that are. And that's also why I don't believe in free will. To a certain extent, free will can never exist in this reality. The people that say it does only think that because they were lucky enough to be given a life that shows otherwise. We are all a byproduct of our environment, our experiences, and the type of people and things that we are exposed to. This is literally what forms our perspective. I use to get angry at child me. I was hurt that I didn't speak out enough and that I suppressed so much because it would only lead to me getting older and struggling to talk about myself. Since the change happened at 14 tho, I've slowly but surely have been learning to be more open with people. And what was I met with? People that had no authority to even speak on my experiences telling me to "get over it" "cheer up" and who made me believe that I was overreacting and that others had it worse. The world will chew up people like me and then spit them out and repeatedly stomp on them. So yeah, little me was always right.

 

[BabyYoda]

I hesitated to get help again because this: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/story-reaching-out.29790/

That was during a time when I was becoming serious about CTB. I was already at my critical point. And now I think why can't I become better? I've been trying my best but apparently nothing is happening. I can't make myself not want love because I asked how to live without authentic relationships on another thread and they said I was asking for the impossible.

 

[Y-B]

Cowbain, I'm so sorry this happened to you, it's awful. I can imagine it really makes you feel lonely when you don't feel being taken serious when making yourself vulnerable and opening up. It sucks.

 

[SinisterKid]

Thankfully this place is not a reflection of the real world. You dont need to validate anything here. I wish there was more this place could do to help "fix" members, but just having somewhere to vent, get feelings and emotions out of our heads, is better than nothing. If only people outside of this place could understand why so many of us NEED a place like this because the real world offers us jack shit.

 

[BlueWidow]

As a child I put on a mask and pretended like everything was fine. No one would've thought that everyday I had to go home to the person that raped me multiple times, that almost everyday at home was filled with arguing and fighting, that everyday I was exposed to drugs because my dad sold them, that I slept on the couch because I didn't have a stable bed of my own until I was 11, and that I was abused in every way possible by my own family. I suppressed everything and didn't dare to talk about my emotions because no one would really care enough to listen anyways. All the awful memories were stored in a suit case that I buried deep inside my mind. And apparently that way of being paid off because I was in advanced classes all throughout school. But at 14 that all changed. Everything I thought I securely had was taken away from me. I'm a firm believer that everyone has a threshold, even the people that act like they're above any negative thoughts. There's no way life can repeatedly beat you to the ground and in the end you're fine. Well, unless you're a psycho/sociopath or a narcissist and most people that claim that are. And that's also why I don't believe in free will. To a certain extent, free will can never exist in this reality. The people that say it does only think that because they were lucky enough to be given a life that shows otherwise. We are all a byproduct of our environment, our experiences, and the type of people and things that we are exposed to. This is literally what forms our perspective. I use to get angry at child me. I was hurt that I didn't speak out enough and that I suppressed so much because it would only lead to me getting older and struggling to talk about myself. Since the change happened at 14 tho, I've slowly but surely have been learning to be more open with people. And what was I met with? People that had no authority to even speak on my experiences telling me to "get over it" "cheer up" and who made me believe that I was overreacting and that others had it worse. The world will chew up people like me and then spit them out and repeatedly stomp on them. So yeah, little me was always right.

I completely relate to what you're saying. I grew up in an abusive dysfunctional family as well, though not as dysfunctional as yours was. I had my first break down when I was 13 and was placed in a psych ward. At the time I was severely depressed and suicidal, but all my family was worried about was that I would air the dirty laundry. It was all about saving face and not revealing our secrets to the world, even if that meant I had to stay depressed and suicidal.
I'm going to assume that just about everyone on this forum has gone through a period in their life where they attempted to tell the people around them the truth of what was going on in their lives and how it was affecting them. I'm sure most every one of us learned the hard way that telling other people doesn't make it better, even though that's what all the authorities always say to do. It always seems like you're met with all sorts of platitudes and bullshit. of course there's always gonna be someone else that has it worse than you do, so what?! That doesn't negate what you're going through, nor does it make what you're going through any easier.
Or one of my favorite ones that my family uses on me now is, "Well, that's all in the past now". It may be in the past for them, but it will never be in the past for me because I'm still feeling the effects of it and I've been living with those effects for my entire f***ing life!
So, yes, I can totally relate to what you're saying about being stomped on and made to feel like you're overreacting and so forth. The exact same things happen to me. I learned the hard way to just not say a word about any of it to anyone because nobody cares anyway. But then they will all act shocked when I ctb, and I'm sure people around me are all going to say, "Why didn't she tell us how bad she was feeling?".

 

[cowbain]

I hesitated to get help again because this: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/story-reaching-out.29790/

That was during a time when I was becoming serious about CTB. I was already at my critical point. And now I think why can't I become better? I've been trying my best but apparently nothing is happening. I can't make myself not want love because I asked how to live without authentic relationships on another thread and they said I was asking for the impossible.

I read your post. You said you didn't see any red flags but I saw many red flags leading up to the incident that caused your falling out. If someone is making you feel uncomfortable or forcing you to do things that don't sit well with you, you have to listen to that. I think you'd benefit from learning about boundaries and codependency.

 

[exhausted]

Or one of my favorite ones that my family uses on me now is, "Well, that's all in the past now". It may be in the past for them, but it will never be in the past for me because I'm still feeling the effects of it and I've been living with those effects for my entire f***ing life!
So, yes, I can totally relate to what you're saying about being stomped on and made to feel like you're overreacting and so forth. The exact same things happen to me. I learned the hard way to just not say a word about any of it to anyone because nobody cares anyway. But then they will all act shocked when I ctb, and I'm sure people around me are all going to say, "Why didn't she tell us how bad she was feeling?".

Eerily similar situation for me. My parents saw therapy as a threat to the family when I was a child. My little sister and I both endured lectures about "family loyalty" before going to sessions.They say "it's all in the past now", to which I say "Maybe for you, but I still live it every day and I will have PTSD for life.". Incredible. I have come to accept everyone has moved on except me. Very similar scenario, wow.

 

[BlueWidow]

Eerily similar situation for me. My parents saw therapy as a threat to the family when I was a child. My little sister and I both endured lectures about "family loyalty" before going to sessions.They say "it's all in the past now", to which I say "Maybe for you, but I still live it every day and I will have PTSD for life.". Incredible. I have come to accept everyone has moved on except me. Very similar scenario, wow.

When I was on the psych ward as a teenager, I used to get a 10 minute phone call with my dad once a week. It was the only time I got to speak to him because after he visited a few times and visibly upset me, and he got angry at different staff members and caused various scenes while he was there visiting me, he got banned from visiting. So our only communication where these 10 minute phone calls every week. He would spend the entire 10 minutes interrogating me on what I had told them. He would say over and over again
" What are you telling them?! What are you saying I did to you?!", etc.
He couldn't have cared less how I was doing or what I was going through.

 

[exhausted]

When I was on the psych ward as a teenager, I used to get a 10 minute phone call with my dad once a week. It was the only time I got to speak to him because after he visited a few times and visibly upset me, and he got angry at different staff members and caused various scenes while he was there visiting me, he got banned from visiting. So our only communication where these 10 minute phone calls every week. He would spend the entire 10 minutes interrogating me on what I had told them. He would say over and over again
" What are you telling them?! What are you saying I did to you?!", etc.
He couldn't have cared less how I was doing or what I was going through.

How excruciating. I suppose at least he was identified as a problem. Sucks to know you can be on the brink of death (mentally/physically) and all people care about is their own image. One of the most soul-destroying, invalidating things a parent can do. No child should have to realise their caregivers are self-absorbed cowards.

 

[Skyview]

I spoke out and no one would believe me , oh nonsense would be the reply when talking to others in the house , they were teenagers and I was 5 . The woman of the house took her anger out on me , beatings were constant with belts and fireplace pokers and that hurt a lot but I learned not to cry when beaten , crying would come later in my bedroom as I hugged my teddy bear , it's all I had to cling to ,my teddy bear was my friend .
5 yrs old and I never knew what a loving embrace was and your right , you suppress everything because no one listens . It stays with you forever even though you push it way back in your mind . I still don't know what love is because it's alien to me . I won't drop my defense mechanism unless it's a pet or animal and the only way I found that gives me pleasure is wildlife rescue because they are hurt and damaged just like me .

 

[cowbain]

I spoke out and no one would believe me , oh nonsense would be the reply when talking to others in the house , they were teenagers and I was 5 . The woman of the house took her anger out on me , beatings were constant with belts and fireplace pokers and that hurt a lot but I learned not to cry when beaten , crying would come later in my bedroom as I hugged my teddy bear , it's all I had to cling to ,my teddy bear was my friend .
5 yrs old and I never knew what a loving embrace was and your right , you suppress everything because no one listens . It stays with you forever even though you push it way back in your mind . I still don't know what love is because it's alien to me . I won't drop my defense mechanism unless it's a pet or animal and the only way I found that gives me pleasure is wildlife rescue because they are hurt and damaged just like me .

Part of my abuse came from older teenagers too. One thing that has comforted me is knowing that I can reparent myself. I'll admit that I haven't started the process of talking to my inner child because I'm terrified of what she will say. It's not an easy thing to do but it's worth it. Keep being kind to yourself. It's great that animals have became your outlet. I can't speak on love because I'm still a teenager and all of the people I thought I loved were really older men that tried to take advantage of me. It's a vicious cycle. I hope we both get the chance to experience love and normalcy one day.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

When I was on the psych ward as a teenager, I used to get a 10 minute phone call with my dad once a week. It was the only time I got to speak to him because after he visited a few times and visibly upset me, and he got angry at different staff members and caused various scenes while he was there visiting me, he got banned from visiting. So our only communication where these 10 minute phone calls every week. He would spend the entire 10 minutes interrogating me on what I had told them. He would say over and over again
" What are you telling them?! What are you saying I did to you?!", etc.
He couldn't have cared less how I was doing or what I was going through.

I had the same thing with my mom when child protective services removed me from the home- she only cared about tarnishing her "poor single mom" image---- I never went back ended getting more fucked up living in 25 instututions by 18, but yeah.... Unfortunatly there are some very sick people out there that should not have kids :(

As a child I put on a mask and pretended like everything was fine. No one would've thought that everyday I had to go home to the person that raped me multiple times, that almost everyday at home was filled with arguing and fighting, that everyday I was exposed to drugs because my dad sold them, that I slept on the couch because I didn't have a stable bed of my own until I was 11, and that I was abused in every way possible by my own family. I suppressed everything and didn't dare to talk about my emotions because no one would really care enough to listen anyways. All the awful memories were stored in a suit case that I buried deep inside my mind. And apparently that way of being paid off because I was in advanced classes all throughout school. But at 14 that all changed. Everything I thought I securely had was taken away from me. I'm a firm believer that everyone has a threshold, even the people that act like they're above any negative thoughts. There's no way life can repeatedly beat you to the ground and in the end you're fine. Well, unless you're a psycho/sociopath or a narcissist and most people that claim that are. And that's also why I don't believe in free will. To a certain extent, free will can never exist in this reality. The people that say it does only think that because they were lucky enough to be given a life that shows otherwise. We are all a byproduct of our environment, our experiences, and the type of people and things that we are exposed to. This is literally what forms our perspective. I use to get angry at child me. I was hurt that I didn't speak out enough and that I suppressed so much because it would only lead to me getting older and struggling to talk about myself. Since the change happened at 14 tho, I've slowly but surely have been learning to be more open with people. And what was I met with? People that had no authority to even speak on my experiences telling me to "get over it" "cheer up" and who made me believe that I was overreacting and that others had it worse. The world will chew up people like me and then spit them out and repeatedly stomp on them. So yeah, little me was always right.

Reading this post warmed my soul because for 40 years of self hate & I am finally considering that I might have really been right about somethings after all this time.

 

[cowbain]

I had the same thing with my mom when child protective services removed me from the home- she only cared about tarnishing her "poor single mom" image---- I never went back ended getting more fucked up living in 25 instututions by 18, but yeah.... Unfortunatly there are some very sick people out there that should not have kids :(


Reading this post warmed my soul because for 40 years of self hate & I am finally considering that I might have really been right about somethings after all this time.

Yes. It's easy to blame ourselves. But it was never our fault. How could we have known these tools if we were never taught them and had no positive role models in our life? I'm lucky that I was born in an era where internet was available because without it I'd probably be a lot more fucked up than I am now honestly. I really feel for all the older people that had to go through this when resources weren't as easily available. Shoot it's even hard to get access for help now, I can't imagine what it was like back then.

 

[exhausted]

Part of my abuse came from older teenagers too. One thing that has comforted me is knowing that I can reparent myself. I'll admit that I haven't started the process of talking to my inner child because I'm terrified of what she will say. It's not an easy thing to do but it's worth it. Keep being kind to yourself. It's great that animals have became your outlet. I can't speak on love because I'm still a teenager and all of the people I thought I loved were really older men that tried to take advantage of me. It's a vicious cycle. I hope we both get the chance to experience love and normalcy one day.

I am in the same boat with the inner child. What I do instead is do things that Child Me would like. For instance, I remember I loved a boiled egg with soldiers (little strips of toast to dip into the yolk), so sometimes I make that for her. I also finish off the little art projects I made when I was little for her. I can contact her through the ages!

There was this amazing post on the cptsd subreddit about reparenting yourself. I printed it out, but can't find it again in google search. I will try to remember tomorrow. EDIT: Found it

 

[cowbain]

I am in the same boat with the inner child. What I do instead is do things that Child Me would like. For instance, I remember I loved a boiled egg with soldiers (little strips of toast to dip into the yolk), so sometimes I make that for her. I also finish off the little art projects I made when I was little for her. I can contact her through the ages!

There was this amazing post on the cptsd subreddit about reparenting yourself. I printed it out, but can't find it again in google search. I will try to remember tomorrow. EDIT: Found it

Thank you for sharing. That was a beautiful post.

 

[exhausted]

Thank you for sharing. That was a beautiful post.

It's so amazing to allow ourselves to do these things. Seeing it all laid out like that is such a relief.

 

[Skyview]

Love this guide and one or two things I need to work on . Eggs and soldiers is now a must for me , thank you so much