I turn 40 in two weeks

[stoiccactus]

I turn 40 in two weeks. I wish I never made it this far and had killed myself twenty years ago. With that said, it's been a good run but I'm fucking tired and exhausted and ready to die I think. Either way, 40 is a good even number. I was hoping to kill myself in the winter but I might just tell everyone I'm getting a hotel room by myself for my birthday and then do the deed. I'll setup a timed email to the PD so they can come remove the body. I just can't do this anymore.

 

[TimetoGo!]

I turn 40 in two weeks. I wish I never made it this far and had killed myself twenty years ago. With that said, it's been a good run but I'm fucking tired and exhausted and ready to die I think. Either way, 40 is a good even number. I was hoping to kill myself in the winter but I might just tell everyone I'm getting a hotel room by myself for my birthday and then do the deed. I'll setup a timed email to the PD so they can come remove the body. I just can't do this anymore.

yeh can relate to this , I am 43 now and it all went wrong from around 40/41 for me. we should be happy and positive at this stage of life, not on here searching for something.

what would be your method.........I dont think hotel CTB is a good idea, your probably going to affect 40/50 people in that hotel . I thought about it at a hotel once but decided it wasnt the best idea.

where you from mate?

 

[020x]

I turn 40 in two weeks. I wish I never made it this far and had killed myself twenty years ago. With that said, it's been a good run but I'm fucking tired and exhausted and ready to die I think. Either way, 40 is a good even number. I was hoping to kill myself in the winter but I might just tell everyone I'm getting a hotel room by myself for my birthday and then do the deed. I'll setup a timed email to the PD so they can come remove the body. I just can't do this anymore.

i'm 20 and i can't believe there's so many older people here as well. i thought i would only see young people because we are softer and weaker. but no :/. hopefully you'll find the peace and the escape!

 

[90starve]

I turn 40 in two weeks. I wish I never made it this far and had killed myself twenty years ago. With that said, it's been a good run but I'm fucking tired and exhausted and ready to die I think. Either way, 40 is a good even number. I was hoping to kill myself in the winter but I might just tell everyone I'm getting a hotel room by myself for my birthday and then do the deed. I'll setup a timed email to the PD so they can come remove the body. I just can't do this anymore.

well done for almost making it to level 40 of the worlds hardest game! im only half your age, and i just can't even imagine how gruelling it must be to live as long as you have.

your plan sounds solid. what's your method, if you don't mind me asking? <3

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry that life brought you to this point. I wish you all the best with your plans and I hope you find peace!

 

[SVEN]

Life just grinds you down. Best wishes, whatever your decision, I hope you achieve peace by whatever means.

 

[todiefor]

I'm a similar age, I've never really thought about suicide until this year due to some extreme circumstances, and I realised, what has been the point of all the fighting for life and hard work and stress. I've lived and worked in many countries in the last 10 years, but was it worth it? It honestly was such a struggle and I did it all because I thought I was achieving something with someone going towards some sort of more stable more peaceful phase, someone who understood me and appreciated me for who I am, I thought I meant something to people, but then you lose it all in an instant without much reason or thought. You have some money but what was the point of it all? nothing I did really meant anything? All the struggles and sacrifices no one cared or understood, then everyone just expects to to bounce right back and restart again? Like I can barely get out of bed, I can't really think of a reason to live other than so my parents wouldn't have to feel the pain and shame, but since when have they been there for me? When have I ever been able to go to them and say hey, I feel really really awful can you listen and care? No one cares, everyone just want you to be a productive robot with only positive feelings

I mean to be honest I have done a lot in the last 10 years and certainly at 20 or 30 I would not have wanted to ctb and I don't think I would recommend it because all kinds of things could have happened and I think I could have been happy. But for me ultimately it really didn't, and I lost too much, I have been grounded down far too low, I don't have any trust or energy or will left to continue

I turn 40 in two weeks. I wish I never made it this far and had killed myself twenty years ago. With that said, it's been a good run but I'm fucking tired and exhausted and ready to die I think. Either way, 40 is a good even number. I was hoping to kill myself in the winter but I might just tell everyone I'm getting a hotel room by myself for my birthday and then do the deed. I'll setup a timed email to the PD so they can come remove the body. I just can't do this anymore.

I'm sorry about how you are feeling, I'm sorry life has brought you to this point, I know you wanted to freeze to death and that would have been easier it sounded like. I find goodbye threads very hard to deal with I find it very hard to say goodbye even if I don't know you, because you must have endured so much to be here today, most probably no one knows about. I'm really sorry that you can't do this anymore, it is really difficult.

Also I really appreciated your hotdog thread, it made me smile on a very awful day, thank you

 

[stoiccactus]

yeh can relate to this , I am 43 now and it all went wrong from around 40/41 for me. we should be happy and positive at this stage of life, not on here searching for something.

what would be your method.........I dont think hotel CTB is a good idea, your probably going to affect 40/50 people in that hotel . I thought about it at a hotel once but decided it wasnt the best idea.

where you from mate?

I'll hang myself in a nice hotel in the big city I live in like the Ritz-Carlton or the Four Seasons. Go out in style. I'll let the PD know in advance and they'll come drag my body out with EMS and most people will be none the wiser. I'll put a bunch of towels under me.

I'm sure they see this shit all the time and have a system down. Hopefully they'll be able to flip the hotel room and even rent it out the next night.

I think a lot of people will be relieved to not have me around anymore; family, friends, etc.

I'm a similar age, I've never really thought about suicide until this year due to some extreme circumstances, and I realised, what has been the point of all the fighting for life and hard work and stress. I've lived and worked in many countries in the last 10 years, but was it worth it? It honestly was such a struggle and I did it all because I thought I was achieving something with someone going towards some sort of more stable more peaceful phase, someone who understood me and appreciated me for who I am, I thought I meant something to people, but then you lose it all in an instant without much reason or thought. You have some money but what was the point of it all? nothing I did really meant anything? All the struggles and sacrifices no one cared or understood, then everyone just expects to to bounce right back and restart again? Like I can barely get out of bed, I can't really think of a reason to live other than so my parents wouldn't have to feel the pain and shame, but since when have they been there for me? When have I ever been able to go to them and say hey, I feel really really awful can you listen and care? No one cares, everyone just want you to be a productive robot with only positive feelings

I mean to be honest I have done a lot in the last 10 years and certainly at 20 or 30 I would not have wanted to ctb and I don't think I would recommend it because all kinds of things could have happened and I think I could have been happy. But for me ultimately it really didn't, and I lost too much, I have been grounded down far too low, I don't have any trust or energy or will left to continue

I'm sorry about how you are feeling, I'm sorry life has brought you to this point, I know you wanted to freeze to death and that would have been easier it sounded like. I find goodbye threads very hard to deal with I find it very hard to say goodbye even if I don't know you, because you must have endured so much to be here today, most probably no one knows about. I'm really sorry that you can't do this anymore, it is really difficult.

Also I really appreciated your hotdog thread, it made me smile on a very awful day, thank you

I totally forgot about the hot dog method! I guess it's never too late to give it a shot! Nothing but a diet of raw hotdogs from now until I turn 40

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered for such a long time and I understand why you would feel so tired of it all, I could never wish to reach that age no matter what but anyway I wish you the best with your plans and I hope you eventually find the freedom you search for.

 

[niawscm]

I'm close to your age and I get it. 20 years ago I had a pretty good idea that I was worthless and didn't deserve to live, but it took another 20 years to be sure of it. There's always that thought of "well maybe I can turn things around" but the older you get the less realistic that seems. Just learned today that I'm about to be laid off, and I think that's the thing that's going to push me over the edge.

 

[Ligottian]

I turned 63 last April. My "run" could have been better or worse. Best wishes to you.

 

[Sweet Tart]

I'm close to your age and I get it. 20 years ago I had a pretty good idea that I was worthless and didn't deserve to live, but it took another 20 years to be sure of it. There's always that thought of "well maybe I can turn things around" but the older you get the less realistic that seems. Just learned today that I'm about to be laid off, and I think that's the thing that's going to push me over the edge.

Oh fuck, so sorry about getting laid off. I hope there are decent unemployment benefits where you live.

I'm in my 40s and have always been suicidal except for periods when there was progress and optimism. I strongly relate to what you said about how there are fewer and fewer opportunities for hope with age. I reinvented myself many times in the past but it gets harder and harder after being tested by life and showing/experiencing the signs of those battles, physically and mentally.

 

[stoiccactus]

Oh fuck, so sorry about getting laid off. I hope there are decent unemployment benefits where you live.

I'm in my 40s and have always been suicidal except for periods when there was progress and optimism. I strongly relate to what you said about how there are fewer and fewer opportunities for hope with age. I reinvented myself many times in the past but it gets harder and harder after being tested by life and showing/experiencing the signs of those battles, physically and mentally.

There is something to be said about being powered by "potential" when you're younger. Then, as you age, reality sets in and potential converts to actual reality, which is .. far more disappointing than you expect.

 

[flyaway]

I'm 32 at the moment and although being younger than you, I know how it feels. What made me live so far was the fact that I always tried something to improve my life which made my suicidal thoughts fade away for months or even a couple of years. But when it turns out not to be working I always end up feeling like I used to before. Now I realize it was all just an illusion. For people like me things never work out or at least not the way I wish to. So now, when looking back from the distance of time, I'd say that it wouldn't have made much difference if I CTB when I was, let's say 18. And best luck of you no matter what your choice is.

 

[Slasher]

i cant see myself living till 18 let alone 40. i'm sorry life's been tough on you man, hope you find the peace you deserve <3

 

[NambaSutra]

Something Birthday? Maybe "happy" if that's possible?

I'm 48, wish I were still 40. The last 8 years have been awful and keep getting worse.

 

[deathLiberation]

My life was always shit, still, holding on allowed me to actually do some stuff i wouldnt have done. I cant say ctb wouldnt have made it better, although i did some more stuff, it all seems useless and fake when i look back.

I know i will jump someday. But i want to go prepared. I hope you are prepared for wtv decision you make. I hope you find peace.

 

[frog_prince]

i'm 41 and i understand how you feel. now i have a really promising project and it could be my chance to start things over but i'm genuinely exhausted, i can't find the energy to work

 

[Techef]

I'm 42. Whether I CTB or let nature take its course, I'm not making it to 43. Life really does grind you down. The physical/emotional battle wounds/scars pile up. Not to mention your body breaks down. Even though my father often neglected me, I loved him very much. When he died in his 40s, he wished for me to live a happy life and for me to outlive him. I wonder how he'd react if he knew I'll be dying younger than he did.

If there is an afterlife, I'd like to meet him and have a nice long chat, especially now that I probably understand some of the suffering he went through during his life.

 

[niki wonoto]

I'll turn 41 end of this month (August). Sadly, my mental (health) conditions seems to get a lot worse now. If I only knew that my life would become so pathetic & useless/meaningless like this, then maybe I should have just offed myself since a long time ago. But we all know that even ctb is not easy. It's so frustrating & depressing to be forever stuck like this. I'm tired of everything. Tired of people, society, this world, life, shitty stupid ridiculous existence & reality. I'm also tired of myself. Tired of my life, being a complete total failure/loser like this. Worst of all is perhaps I've wasted all my privileges, chances, opportunities, looks, & especially my music talents. I don't even know exactly why. My life is not only just an irony & tragedy, but I feel like it's just a stupid, pathetic, & pointless existence. I blame myself mostly also for being who I am. Feels more like a curse than a gift/blessings. I'm a person that shouldn't exist in this world, yet I still exist anyway..

 

[Ceterum]

I turn 40 in two weeks. I wish I never made it this far and had killed myself twenty years ago. With that said, it's been a good run but I'm fucking tired and exhausted and ready to die I think. Either way, 40 is a good even number. I was hoping to kill myself in the winter but I might just tell everyone I'm getting a hotel room by myself for my birthday and then do the deed. I'll setup a timed email to the PD so they can come remove the body. I just can't do this anymore.

For me 30 was the numer I said to myself I will not make. Well, I'm still here, but things havent become good, so I wish I would have gone through with it back then. Granted, my suicide options are much better right now due to circumstances, but that's all there is on the plus side.
Also crossed the 40 mark