Venting I truly regret not CBT earlier

[lwlaiet8887]

If I knew my life would've gotten this bad I would've ended it ages ago. I'm getting tired of counting down the days until I get paid. Just want to be gone at this point. My body is wasting away at the moment currently, I have lost all of the little muscle mass I had on my messed up body. I'm chilled to the bone and it even hurts to sit up and stand due to the weakness in my legs. I hate the fact that I was brought into this world to suffer morbidly like this, it just gives me 100% assurance that there's no God. I'm trying to sleep and smoke the days away but it's not easy. I wish I would've come to this conclusion earlier when I was financially better off, could've had it done sooner and cleaner. Oh well I suppose.

 

[cscott]

I wish too man I fucking wish too!

I become sick with the fact I let myself get this far.

 

[lwlaiet8887]

I wish too man I fucking wish too!

I become sick with the fact I let myself get this far.

I feel you. I have very strong anhedonia. I have suffered greatly over the past few years both medically and mentally so it's amplified. I don't feel emotions too strongly anymore I'm just existing, wouldn't be too bad if I weren't trapped in this body. For reference, I had a very a painful skin condition, damaged my outer knee, was sick for almost an entire year with some kind of respiratory infection, broke my feet from running too much since it's one of the few things that kept me happy. Been incredibly lonely (I don't really feel loneliness anymore) and trying to figure out life. I was delusional for so long that my life would get better, that's the worst part.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd feel regretful, in my case I wish I never existed at all in the first place, existing is just unnecessary suffering and it sounds really dreadful what you've had to go through.

 

[cscott]

I feel you. I have very strong anhedonia. I have suffered greatly over the past few years both medically and mentally so it's amplified. I don't feel emotions too strongly anymore I'm just existing, wouldn't be too bad if I weren't trapped in this body. For reference, I had a very a painful skin condition, damaged my outer knee, was sick for almost an entire year with some kind of respiratory infection, broke my feet from running too much since it's one of the few things that kept me happy. Been incredibly lonely (I don't really feel loneliness anymore) and trying to figure out life. I was delusional for so long that my life would get better, that's the worst part.

Yh I kind of get u now recently I'm just over the loneliness I've kind of accepted my fate. With or without ppl it's only ever u in ur own mind. I just can't wait for the exit .. all the best with ur journey on out

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Yeah, if I CTBed years ago already that would have saved me from so much more suffering and problems and a life I don't want to live. And I'm still stuck here for some more time.

 

[Gonnerr]

Me too by i think im undestructible, so many times i cheated death. I was so wreckless when i was young 25 years ago. But damn i cant seem to die accidentally.

 

[sserafim]

Same, I wish I ctb earlier as well. I wish I ctb when I was still in college. Now I'm just a failure. I've failed to launch after college, and my parents are disappointed in me. I am going to ctb soon though so my life doesn't get any worse

 

[nucleosidal]

Same, made a poorly planned failed attempt months ago so decided to go through with chemo and try to get better. Destroyed me. Regret getting to this point. Determined not to fail again.