Venting I tried yesterday

[Fire&Ash]

I'm upset with myself. I had everything planned. I went to a hotel with a whole plan. I bought paint liner tarp and tape and I covered the bathroom tub walls and ceiling to not make a mess. I closed my bank accounts and withdrew all my cash. I had everything ready. I drank a lot and I sat in the tub and I had my gun ready. I pulled the slide and just tried to convince myself to pull the trigger and I couldn't. I'm not afraid of dying. I had everything planned. I think the loud sound and recoil of the gun scared me. I was relaxed and ready. But I just couldn't pull the trigger. So I went hope and puked my guts out from drinking no too much and now I'm in bed the next day feeling sick. No one knows.
Do I make new bank accounts? I have a phone plan and car insurance payments I need connected to a debit card. Ugh I did everything and I was ready and now I'm just disappointed

 

[Forveleth]

It's ok! Don't beat yourself up. Death is scary and our brains are hard wired to fight for life. There are plenty of people here who have been to the edge and couldn't take the final step. No shame in backing down. Take some time to relax and recover. Listen to your favorite music. Eat something you like.

If you need to have bank accounts open for payments and don't think you will be ready for another try anytime soon, I would open new accounts. If you end up not being ready for another attempt for a while, you don't want to have to deal with late payments or fees!

 

[Egroeg91]

Hey, I have been there aswell, I understand what you are feeling right now, I also wished that I could just CTB but I just didn't have it in me. Now I have another date for my CTB which I feel like that I must go at this date as I can't handle nothing anymore truly. Hope you find peace

 

[kunikuzushi]

This sounds exhausting and so difficult. I'm sorry this happened. Hope you can take some time for a break

 

[DeIetedUser4739]

This is why I won't close anything down before I kill myself just in case I don't because it'll make life more difficult, already lost my fb account and phone years ago when I thought I was ready to die.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you failed but it's not that easy to pull the trigger of a gun. Don't be too hard to yourself.

 

[justcallmeJ]

Ctb is hard, even if you are fully prepared. Take care of yourself <3

 

[Fire&Ash]

I'm upset with myself. I had everything planned. I went to a hotel with a whole plan. I bought paint liner tarp and tape and I covered the bathroom tub walls and ceiling to not make a mess. I closed my bank accounts and withdrew all my cash. I had everything ready. I drank a lot and I sat in the tub and I had my gun ready. I pulled the slide and just tried to convince myself to pull the trigger and I couldn't. I'm not afraid of dying. I had everything planned. I think the loud sound and recoil of the gun scared me. I was relaxed and ready. But I just couldn't pull the trigger. So I went hope and puked my guts out from drinking no too much and now I'm in bed the next day feeling sick. No one knows.
Do I make new bank accounts? I have a phone plan and car insurance payments I need connected to a debit card. Ugh I did everything and I was ready and now I'm just disappointed

I'm just tired of it. I have never really enjoyed life. I've always been generally unhappy. I wouldn't say I struggled in ways other people have but just mentally. That's why I think I'm on the spectrum. I see people genuinely enjoying life and want to do things and I just don't. I feel like a shut in. I even confessed to myself that if I was way smarter I would have gotten a good education and job and then just live by myself in isolation people just make me feel gross I don't like socializing i feel tired all the time

 

[locked*n*loaded]

There's no shame in walking up to the abyss, but not jumping into it. It's a big freaking deal to do what you're contemplating on doing. Take some time and think about things for a while. As far as paying your bills, if you don't want to open new bank accounts, why not just march on down to a "dollar" store, or grocery store, or wherever, and purchase a pre-paid debit card and pay your bills that way? Costs a few bucks, but same end result. You can revisit ctb anytime you wish. Or never. Whatever ends up working for you, and only you.

 

[UKscotty]

No shame in it at all.

Closing accounts and spending money was a solid idea as it helps disconnect our minds from the future.

It shows you are ready to let go.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do next.

 

[Fire&Ash]

There's no shame in walking up to the abyss, but not jumping into it. It's a big freaking deal to do what you're contemplating on doing. Take some time and think about things for a while. As far as paying your bills, if you don't want to open new bank accounts, why not just march on down to a "dollar" store, or grocery store, or wherever, and purchase a pre-paid debit card and pay your bills that way? Costs a few bucks, but same end result. You can revisit ctb anytime you wish. Or never. Whatever ends up working for you, and only you.

Does this work for online payments? Is it that easy?

This is why I won't close anything down before I kill myself just in case I don't because it'll make life more difficult, already lost my fb account and phone years ago when I thought I was ready to die.

I did it because legally it takes time for my relatives to do it and I wanted to make it easier for them. A phone plan would still need to be paid and since it's my phone plan my parent couldn't close it a right away. Also it's a big legal debate for bank accounts I guess

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Does this work for online payments? Is it that easy?

Sure. Those prepaid debit cards work exactly like the ones linked to your bank account through your bank. You just have to pay the ridiculous "fee" to buy it and then another fee when you reload it again. It's really a "racket" for taking advantage of the "unbanked".

 

[PoisonTeaTime]

That must have been a nightmare, but it's okay if you couldn't do it in the end. I wish you all the best in how you proceed to do things next.

 

[suffering_mo]

On the plus/bright side, no one knows and no damage was made.

 

[Fire&Ash]

I'm upset with myself. I had everything planned. I went to a hotel with a whole plan. I bought paint liner tarp and tape and I covered the bathroom tub walls and ceiling to not make a mess. I closed my bank accounts and withdrew all my cash. I had everything ready. I drank a lot and I sat in the tub and I had my gun ready. I pulled the slide and just tried to convince myself to pull the trigger and I couldn't. I'm not afraid of dying. I had everything planned. I think the loud sound and recoil of the gun scared me. I was relaxed and ready. But I just couldn't pull the trigger. So I went hope and puked my guts out from drinking no too much and now I'm in bed the next day feeling sick. No one knows.
Do I make new bank accounts? I have a phone plan and car insurance payments I need connected to a debit card. Ugh I did everything and I was ready and now I'm just disappointed

lol I just how how great it would be if I pushed a button and it pulled the trigger for me cuz I can't do it lol

 

[Fire&Ash]

Well I've been unemployed since July 2023. It's now October. I've been living with my parents unemployed and basically not leaving the house. I don't have anywhere to be or anyone to see. I tried going to the doctor for a recommendation for disability, I went with my mom, and my mom basically messed it up for me. She talked about my suicide attempts and how I was irritated all the time. All the doctor wanted me to do was get therapy and basically dismissed anything I said about my learning issues. I feel like everything that could go wrong for me has. I don't have a job, or can get a decent one. Education isn't an option anymore I don't "get" anything. Idk what my learning issues even are I think I'm just slower than most people. I have no friends. My relatives like aunts, uncles and cousins all don't talk to me and I can't hold a convo with any of them. My relationships with my 2 sisters are nothing and I'm hanging on a sour thread with my parents since they know I'm suicidal. So ya. Idk what I'm suppose to do from here. I'm going to attempt this Saturday with a gun I found in my dads office and see if I can go through with it. I honestly don't know how I'm suppose to pick myself up from here. I'm almost 30 and i have nothing and everything is bad

 

[Unknown21]

Well I've been unemployed since July 2023. It's now October. I've been living with my parents unemployed and basically not leaving the house. I don't have anywhere to be or anyone to see. I tried going to the doctor for a recommendation for disability, I went with my mom, and my mom basically messed it up for me. She talked about my suicide attempts and how I was irritated all the time. All the doctor wanted me to do was get therapy and basically dismissed anything I said about my learning issues. I feel like everything that could go wrong for me has. I don't have a job, or can get a decent one. Education isn't an option anymore I don't "get" anything. Idk what my learning issues even are I think I'm just slower than most people. I have no friends. My relatives like aunts, uncles and cousins all don't talk to me and I can't hold a convo with any of them. My relationships with my 2 sisters are nothing and I'm hanging on a sour thread with my parents since they know I'm suicidal. So ya. Idk what I'm suppose to do from here. I'm going to attempt this Saturday with a gun I found in my dads office and see if I can go through with it. I honestly don't know how I'm suppose to pick myself up from here. I'm almost 30 and i have nothing and everything is bad

I'm really sorry man, I've also been unemployed since January, I live with my parents and that's one of the reasons I hate my life, moving out of their house is not an option, I can't find a job, no source of income, I can't finish college or even study because of depression. I feel like the universe has already decided my fate to commit suicide.

 

[Fire&Ash]

I'm really sorry man, I've also been unemployed since January, I live with my parents and that's one of the reasons I hate my life, moving out of their house is not an option, I can't find a job, no source of income, I can't finish college or even study because of depression. I feel like the universe has already decided my fate to commit suicide.

Ya I mean it's one thing to have no job or high education, but no friends and having a hard time making them is just the evil cherry on top I swear