Maormer
Member
- May 21, 2024
- 19
Ive struggled with depersonalization and derealization since i was teen, but most days its mild and totally manageable, but when i get too stressed sometimes it hits me like a truck. Last year I was working on an assignment, not even a really important one but it was stressing me out, my mind was already in a not great place but I was managing until i realized that another assignment was due the day before and i didn't notice, and for whatever reason that sent me over the edge, even though it shouldn't have been a big deal.
I just remember this sensation like the world fell away from me, my heart rate spiked and i felt out of control of my body and mind. Normally when i get panic attacks my mind is racing but here my mind was so quiet. The only thing that i could think was "i need to kill myself" there was no doubt in my mind, idk how to describe it. It wasn't like I felt a desire to do it, it was just like destiny or something, i knew i was gonna do it. And the whole time i felt so out of it and like i was unable to stop it. Its like i was watching it happen in third person while half asleep, like when your in a dream and only somewhat aware of what's going on around you. I just remember i went to my dresser, i got a belt, tied it around my neck, found something to anchor it on, and started choking. Most of it past that is a blur, i just remember snapping out of it as my vision was fading because I saw a can on the floor and my brain started reading it and somehow that woke me up.
Ive tried to kill myself before, ive self harmed before, but it was always something i felt like I was deciding to do. This wasnt like that, it didnt feel like i had any control and it scares the shit out of me. Prior to that i hadnt attempted for 6 years and was honestly doing relatively ok. That's what scares me the most about it, I was doing fine but a sudden small stressor and im waking up on the floor unable to stand with a pounding headache. And now its hanging over me like a sword of damocles. Its been about a year and im doing worse than i was then but im not actively trying to die and im so scared that something will happen and ill just catch the bus without even being aware that im doing. The whole thing was retraumatizing, i cant get the feeling of the rope around my neck out of my head. I cant even let people touch my neck anymore. I feel like i can never trust myself again and i dont know how to deal with this. I'm scared to even tell anyone because i feel like if i say "hey i might kill myself on impulse at any given moment if i get too stressed out but something insignificant" that ill for sure get locked up in psych ward. I know it can happen now and i dont know how to cope with that.
Have any of you experienced anything similar? How do you cope with it? I feel like theres nothing i can do other than just hope and pray it doesnt happen again.
I just remember this sensation like the world fell away from me, my heart rate spiked and i felt out of control of my body and mind. Normally when i get panic attacks my mind is racing but here my mind was so quiet. The only thing that i could think was "i need to kill myself" there was no doubt in my mind, idk how to describe it. It wasn't like I felt a desire to do it, it was just like destiny or something, i knew i was gonna do it. And the whole time i felt so out of it and like i was unable to stop it. Its like i was watching it happen in third person while half asleep, like when your in a dream and only somewhat aware of what's going on around you. I just remember i went to my dresser, i got a belt, tied it around my neck, found something to anchor it on, and started choking. Most of it past that is a blur, i just remember snapping out of it as my vision was fading because I saw a can on the floor and my brain started reading it and somehow that woke me up.
Ive tried to kill myself before, ive self harmed before, but it was always something i felt like I was deciding to do. This wasnt like that, it didnt feel like i had any control and it scares the shit out of me. Prior to that i hadnt attempted for 6 years and was honestly doing relatively ok. That's what scares me the most about it, I was doing fine but a sudden small stressor and im waking up on the floor unable to stand with a pounding headache. And now its hanging over me like a sword of damocles. Its been about a year and im doing worse than i was then but im not actively trying to die and im so scared that something will happen and ill just catch the bus without even being aware that im doing. The whole thing was retraumatizing, i cant get the feeling of the rope around my neck out of my head. I cant even let people touch my neck anymore. I feel like i can never trust myself again and i dont know how to deal with this. I'm scared to even tell anyone because i feel like if i say "hey i might kill myself on impulse at any given moment if i get too stressed out but something insignificant" that ill for sure get locked up in psych ward. I know it can happen now and i dont know how to cope with that.
Have any of you experienced anything similar? How do you cope with it? I feel like theres nothing i can do other than just hope and pray it doesnt happen again.
