I tried to CTB yesterday

[canyounotbesad]

I tried a partial hanging as nowhere in my place can hold my weight. I wrote a note and all but ended up bailing because it was taking so long; I hate that I keep doing that. I don't have the drive to wholeheartedly go through life anymore; in fact, I feel like I am losing reasons to go on. That I am slowly becoming a more vile and bitter person with everyday. Sometimes I feel like I only attempt to reground myself because afterwards I always have a little more clarity on myself and have a little more will to keep trying. Sometimes I wish I would succeed in it. Maybe take some sleep aids, cut myself, take a bath and just slip under. Maybe follow some guide on here, I don't know. Maybe I'm waiting for a good reason to do it. I mean, if I lose my job and go so far into debt there is no recovery would people really criticize me that much? Maybe I'm progressively getting worse in my actions, thoughts, and beliefs as a way to push myself to fully committing. I don't know. I do know my head fucking hurts from last night. I called off work today because of it and I'm honestly thinking of trying again today. I mean I would have at least 18 hours before anyone even suspected anything.

I just don't want to live anymore, to go through everything alone. I mean, honestly, I don't feel like I have anyone to turn to. Even last night I thought about reaching out to someone, but I just sat there and thought "Why would I be so selfish and bother them again? They have their own thing going on". I believe everyone's life around me would be better if I died. Of course, they would be sad and grieve but, in time, they would see I did them a favor. A true selfless act of ridding them of my issues. It's for the best, for everyone involved, if I do it. So why can't I commit to it? If I feel and think this way, why can't I just stick to it? I mean, to me, it's even more reason I should do it. Too weak to even kill myself; too weak to help myself.