Help I told my mother now too. Regretted it again. Why did I do it again?

[NutOrat]

More than two months ago I told my father I was suicidal. We talked a lot, about my reasons, about my feelings, I hurt him deeply. He didn't understand my point of view, of course. That was to be expected. Then why did I tell him? I was very suicidal, had my rope ready, and was in such panic that I did it on impulse. I hate myself for doing it, I want to die even more now.

I told my mother. I don't know why, again, I was in distress and not thinking straight. As expected, she got hurt too, and probably is even more regressive in her thinking, so obviously she didn't understand my point of view. Instead, just like him, she quickly jumped on blaming the internet, telling me that I haven't seen the world to know if it's worth it or not, all the template responses. She cried, a lot. I hate myself, I'm a stupid piece of shit. What was I hoping for? Why? What did that achieve other than made them more alert of my actions and worry more?

I have to ctb now, I can't live any longer. The more I do, the more they will worry. I've already hurt them, there is no going back. I can't erase their memories, so there's no stopping now. They don't know about the rope. I don't care if it's not the right one. The hardest part is putting effort into learning how to do the slipknot again (I forgot), going outside and finding the right tree. Worst case scenario, we have a wall pull-up bar in the living room, I'd rather not do it right there, I know my brother or grandma will find me. I'd rather do it somewhere where at most a stranger might see me. I couldn't find many fitting trees around, I'll have to go farther in the fields. It's too hard, and as I'm writing this I realize I most likely won't follow through with it, but I don't know what else to do. I'm so distraught, I regret ever opening my mouth. I don't know what to do with myself. What do I do? I can't take it anymore.

 

[eternalpace]

By repeatedly telling others, something inside you is seemingly having second thoughts and looking for help... I'm not assigning fault to that... There's nothing wrong with giving things another try. If/when you reach the point that you're fully mentally committed to calling it a day, then you'll know it.

 

[itsgone2]

I bet your SI is why you told them. Trying anything to reach out for help

 

[NutOrat]

By repeatedly telling others, something inside you is seemingly having second thoughts and looking for help... I'm not assigning fault to that... There's nothing wrong with giving things another try. If/when you reach the point that you're fully mentally committed to calling it a day, then you'll know it.

I know. It's immature, I probably sound like a child to you right now. I'm telling probably because I'm afraid, I don't know, but I can't keep living I know that for a fact.

 

[eternalpace]

I know. It's immature, I probably sound like a child to you right now. I'm telling probably because I'm afraid, I don't know, but I can't keep living I know that for a fact.

It's not immature... and you're not sounding like a child. Like I wrote above, there's nothing wrong with trying... and I'll add to what I said by saying that there's nothing wrong with saying aloud, to others, what's distressing you. You're entitled to say what's on your mind... and ask others for help.

 

[NutOrat]

It's not immature... and you're not sounding like a child. Like I wrote above, there's nothing wrong with trying... and I'll add to what I said by saying that there's nothing wrong with saying aloud, to others, what's distressing you. You're entitled to say what's on your mind... and ask others for help.

I wish I didn't. I'm afraid now that she'll try to do something about it. I know whatever it is it's not going to help the underlying problems, because she'll never be able to really understand my point of view. I don't want to think of that anymore, I know it will never happen.

 

[eternalpace]

I wish I didn't. I'm afraid now that she'll try to do something about it. I know whatever it is it's not going to help the underlying problems, because she'll never be able to really understand my point of view. I don't want to think of that anymore, I know it will never happen.

It's often human nature to want to help others... so you might be correct in thinking that she'll try to do something based upon what you told her. If she does, then perhaps it will change things. If not, then things will be no different than where they are now... Regsrdfless, whether she does or not, then the result down the road might be the same... meaning that you might be at a crossroads about making a decision about what to do with your life. But there is always a scenario that the distress you've communicated will change your situation. Nobody knows right now.

 

[itsgone2]

, and as I'm writing this I realize I most likely won't follow through with it, but I don't know what else to do. I'm so distraught, I regret ever opening my mouth. I don't know what to do with myself. What do I do? I can't take it anymore

Yeah I want fsh too. It's rough when you tell someone. I had to be hospitalized once for talking about it too much. Dang I'm starting to again this time. Little things. Be careful. I could see your parents having you committed for a small time

 

[eternalpace]

Yeah I want fsh too. It's rough when you tell someone. I had to be hospitalized once for talking about it too much. Dang I'm starting to again this time. Little things. Be careful. I could see your parents having you committed for a small time

I've been hospitalized multiple times... fortunately all coded as voluntary... I didn't fight it... It was three meals a day plus snacks and hospital food is much better nowadays than it used to be. At the end of the day, it didn't change anything... If OP is told they need to go inpatient, I would suggest going voluntary. In the US, being coded as involuntary could have some long-term unintended consequences.

 

[itsgone2]

I've been hospitalized multiple times... fortunately all coded as voluntary... I didn't fight it... It was three meals a day plus snacks and hospital food is much better nowadays than it used to be. At the end of the day, it didn't change anything... If OP is told they need to go inpatient, I would suggest going voluntary. In the US, being coded as involuntary could have some long-term unintended consequences.

Yeah mine didn't change anything either. I have real world issues. A stay can't fix that. Same for you? Idk I wish this was just over with

 

[eternalpace]

Yeah mine didn't change anything either. I have real world issues. A stay can't fix that. Same for you? Idk I wish this was just over with

Same here... real-world issues that have been decades in the making..

 

[itsgone2]

Same here... real-world issues that have been decades in the making..

Exactly so also regret. It's too much

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Do you end to talk about what's making you feel suicidal or making life unbearable? The urge to share these feelings is very understandable but parents as you saw will generally react in predictable ways.

 

[NutOrat]

Do you end to talk about what's making you feel suicidal or making life unbearable? The urge to share these feelings is very understandable but parents as you saw will generally react in predictable ways.

I didn't directly tell her "I'm suicidal". To summarize from memory (as my memory is so bad I've already forgot most of our conversation), I told her I don't like this world, I find life painful, that there's more bad then good and that no amount of good makes up for any amount of bad, and probably more, again, I don't remember. By the end she realized I meant I'm suicidal, and told me "don't even think about it", crying. I feel like ending it now. Researching everything on fsh, this has to end.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I didn't directly tell her "I'm suicidal". To summarize from memory (as my memory is so bad I've already forgot most of our conversation), I told her I don't like this world, I find life painful, that there's more bad then good and that no amount of good makes up for any amount of bad, and probably more, again, I don't remember. By the end she realized I meant I'm suicidal, and told me "don't even think about it", crying. I feel like ending it now. Researching everything on fsh, this has to end.

If you need or want to talk more about what's going on (if there are any more concrete or tangible issues or difficulties you're dealing with) you are free to write me any time. Have you always felt that way about life? If you're doing research on FSH, you'll find that it's a pretty painful way to die.

 

[NutOrat]

If you need or want to talk more about what's going on (if there are any more concrete or tangible issues or difficulties you're dealing with) you are free to write me any time. Have you always felt that way about life? If you're doing research on FSH, you'll find that it's a pretty painful way to die.

The pain which in the worst case will last a few minutes is inconsequential, as I won't be able to do anything about it once I kick it. Also it's but a miniscule amount compared to the total pain I've endured throughout life.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

The pain which in the worst case will last a few minutes is inconsequential, as I won't be able to do anything about it once I kick it. Also it's but a miniscule amount compared to the total pain I've endured throughout life.

I'm very sorry you are in this position. At the risk of repeating myself if you need to talk you can write anytime. You're not a bad person for making your family worry because you're in pain or feeling an overwhelming urge to share.