Venting I Thought I Was Ready

[RayoSinSol]

I thought I was ready. I have SN now; it's right here. But I'm so afraid. More afraid than I felt when I was buying it.

I'm obsessed thinking about how those last 30 minutes to an hour will go down, and I don't have access to benzos or opiates to calm myself down.

I feel myself at a dead end that I don't have the energy to pull myself out of, but I can't pull out of the fears keeping me here.

I'm an anxious person. I've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Anxiety is part of the reason I want to die, but part of the reason I can't just gulp this shit down and fade to black.

I'm so afraid of ending up in a world that is similar to or worse than this one. I'm so afraid of what will happen to people I leave behind to cope with the pain of my death. I'm so afraid of my emotions changing randomly, the way they always do, between taking the SN solution and blacking out. I'm afraid that people aren't honestly reporting the truth of how painful or scary the SN method might be.

Anxiety, paranoia, grief, the fear of regretting.

Logically, I feel death is the best option for me, but all of these emotions are blocking my way. The process of dying is the same as the process of living, for me; full of innumerable fears that I can't entirely dispel. Being in my skin is torment.

I'm torn. I'm fragmented. I'm panicking. I just want this to end. I wish I could just have an aneurysm in my sleep so the choice could make itself.

I hope that death is just the same as before birth, but I can't shake the fear that has been drilled into me by experiencing other peoples' fear of death, in the form of religious denial of the unknowable.

How do you cope with something entirely unknowable? Other peoples' input has often just led me to more confusion and hesitance, so maybe there's no point asking at all.

We're born alone and we die alone. We believe alone.

If there is a conscious creator of this universe, I doubt it is benevolent - certainly not toward humans, in the human sense of benevolence.

I hope that I'm right and that there is nothing but dreamless unconscious sleep after death. I hope that there's nothing.

I can't complete my belief. That's why my fear is so strong. If only I could just fully believe in anything. Curse me for being so naturally skeptical and wanting to see things from as many sides as possible. Curse schools for teaching me to be open-minded. Being open-minded has only led me to internalize little bits and pieces of the beliefs of perfectly close-minded people.

I wish I could just turn my mind off entirely. And that's why I'm here, but I can't do it.

Truly, I don't feel like I belong in this world. So, why can't I just fucking leave?! I hate THIS!!!

 

[Keepingtabs]

Hi! I've had the same issue as you and I came to the conclusion that i'm still not ready for it, I don't know your story but what I can advise you is to think it through for a while. You can always catch the bus, also you're going to die no matter how and staying here less or more time won't make a difference. Hope you find peace with whatever You choose. Much love

 

[nerve]

I'm in a similar spot. It hurts so much. Sometimes I get really jealous seeing other members who are ready or who have truly given up trying to get better. For all the talk of how giving up is the easy way out, I've sure spent a lot of time stuck on this one issue.

There's this idea that the capacity to commit suicide and go through with these self-destructive acts is in some ways genetic, which is scary. There's a history of mental illness in my family, but not suicide, so maybe it just can't be helped?

Nothingness sounds so nice, doesn't it? Just resting.

 

[Werewolf]

I feel you friend, I'm in a somewhat similar situation. Maybe you aren't ready yet, maybe just keep living for one more day and see. I've read about lots of people, like when they reeeeally have made up their mind that they find som kinds of serenity and like the constant noise inside your head stops.
Hopefully this is true because I would like to leave feeling peace and not utter panic which is like my normal state of mind atm.
Best regards to you.

 

[Bruces]

I can so relate to this! I just don't know what to do,on reflection my life is just a tired and pointless mess but I still have doubts,it's sooo frustrating isn't it.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I feel the same as you. Not knowing that death will be an end to life's pain is terrifying.

Just because you have the SN doesn't mean you have to take it. Give yourself time to think it all through.

Take care

 

[Bruces]

Do I just bite the bullet?

 

[Meowkin]

I thought I was ready. I have SN now; it's right here. But I'm so afraid. More afraid than I felt when I was buying it.

I'm obsessed thinking about how those last 30 minutes to an hour will go down, and I don't have access to benzos or opiates to calm myself down.

I feel myself at a dead end that I don't have the energy to pull myself out of, but I can't pull out of the fears keeping me here.

I'm an anxious person. I've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Anxiety is part of the reason I want to die, but part of the reason I can't just gulp this shit down and fade to black.

I'm so afraid of ending up in a world that is similar to or worse than this one. I'm so afraid of what will happen to people I leave behind to cope with the pain of my death. I'm so afraid of my emotions changing randomly, the way they always do, between taking the SN solution and blacking out. I'm afraid that people aren't honestly reporting the truth of how painful or scary the SN method might be.

Anxiety, paranoia, grief, the fear of regretting.

Logically, I feel death is the best option for me, but all of these emotions are blocking my way. The process of dying is the same as the process of living, for me; full of innumerable fears that I can't entirely dispel. Being in my skin is torment.

I'm torn. I'm fragmented. I'm panicking. I just want this to end. I wish I could just have an aneurysm in my sleep so the choice could make itself.

I hope that death is just the same as before birth, but I can't shake the fear that has been drilled into me by experiencing other peoples' fear of death, in the form of religious denial of the unknowable.

How do you cope with something entirely unknowable? Other peoples' input has often just led me to more confusion and hesitance, so maybe there's no point asking at all.

We're born alone and we die alone. We believe alone.

If there is a conscious creator of this universe, I doubt it is benevolent - certainly not toward humans, in the human sense of benevolence.

I hope that I'm right and that there is nothing but dreamless unconscious sleep after death. I hope that there's nothing.

I can't complete my belief. That's why my fear is so strong. If only I could just fully believe in anything. Curse me for being so naturally skeptical and wanting to see things from as many sides as possible. Curse schools for teaching me to be open-minded. Being open-minded has only led me to internalize little bits and pieces of the beliefs of perfectly close-minded people.

I wish I could just turn my mind off entirely. And that's why I'm here, but I can't do it.

Truly, I don't feel like I belong in this world. So, why can't I just fucking leave?! I hate THIS!!!

I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated with yourself. I think reactions to imminent ctb are different for everyone. I haven't been successful at my attempts but I've had varying feelings before them ranging from truly at peace to conflicted.