If all goes well, I'm doing it tomorrow. I feel anxious, but happy too because I know there's peace on the other side.
Being autistic in this world has used up everything I had to give. A life of loneliness and rejection has left me cripplingly empty and totally devoid of confidence. I have some ick that everyone else can sense and in a world that runs on connections, I'm doomed. In effect, I'm completely shut out of participating in society, a ghost on the sidelines.
There's also nothing left to live for anyway. The world is actively ending and as bad as things are today, the future only ever gets worse from here. Huge wars, epidemics, natural disasters will be par for the course in the next few decades.
So I radically accepted all of this. Not the way therapists gaslight you into thinking you need to put up with it. No, actually accept it: I am an autistic socially repulsive loner living at the end of the world. None of that is going to change. Now what?
The "now what" is of course to not live in the world anymore. I never belonged here, and staying only hurts me even more. I could try to muddle through another 50 years of quiet, drab misery trying and failing to belong and make something of myself. Or, when life gives me the Gordian knot, I could cut it.
I'm so excited to get this over with, move on to somewhere timeless and beautiful. Someplace I can call home.
Being autistic in this world has used up everything I had to give. A life of loneliness and rejection has left me cripplingly empty and totally devoid of confidence. I have some ick that everyone else can sense and in a world that runs on connections, I'm doomed. In effect, I'm completely shut out of participating in society, a ghost on the sidelines.
There's also nothing left to live for anyway. The world is actively ending and as bad as things are today, the future only ever gets worse from here. Huge wars, epidemics, natural disasters will be par for the course in the next few decades.
So I radically accepted all of this. Not the way therapists gaslight you into thinking you need to put up with it. No, actually accept it: I am an autistic socially repulsive loner living at the end of the world. None of that is going to change. Now what?
The "now what" is of course to not live in the world anymore. I never belonged here, and staying only hurts me even more. I could try to muddle through another 50 years of quiet, drab misery trying and failing to belong and make something of myself. Or, when life gives me the Gordian knot, I could cut it.
I'm so excited to get this over with, move on to somewhere timeless and beautiful. Someplace I can call home.
