Venting I THINK TODAY IS THE DAY

[rankinchris]

I really think today could be the day I CTB. I have never felt as shit as I do today, I am tired of fighting through lawyers with my ex as she has stopped me seing my daughter. I cant afford to keep up with lawyers. I miss my daughter so much she is only 19 months old and i now havent seen her for 2 months. My ex walks past me on the street as if i dont exist. I cant do this anymore, I really cant. I have never felt this determined to CTB, it was always on my mind and practised partial hanging. But today i feel so so low that i want to end it

 

[InTheAirTonight]

Sorry you are going though this, but please don't do anything impulsive. I hope you are able to see your daughter soon.

 

[randomz]

I am really sorry for what happened. I will beg you to not do anything on impulse too. You can go through the divorce and still be able to connect with your daughter as she is growing. Stay because of her - she is the bright future, don't leave becauase of your ex - she is the dark past.

 

[Brink]

I am so sorry for your pain. I hope your daughter grows up and learns of the passion her father has for her. CTB is always an option and I agree you sound impulsive - there's hope you'll be able to have contact. I wish you strength and appreciate it's easier said than done. All the best.

 

[LMLN]

Please don't do anything impulsive. Maybe you could wait until the custody is finalized, and surely by then you'll be able to see your daughter.

 

[rankinchris]

I don't believe its impulsive as I have thought of suicide everyday and practised for many weeks now. It just feels today is most heightened that feeling has ever been

 

[whereispeace]

I hope you find peace, one way or another. Good luck.

 

[russian_roulette]

I'm sorry you have to endure this pain. No matter what you do, I wish you the peace you deserve!

 

[Ulisses]

that your journey is peaceful, and that your decision will be made by the ctb

 

[rankinchris]

Thanks everyone, it means a lot, still here sadly

 

[muffin222]

I'm so sorry you're going through this situation. I can't imagine the pain of not being able to see your child. Whatever route you choose to take, please take it with a clear head so you can make the right decision for yourself

 

[Donk]

hope you have a peaceful journey my friend.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

What is your method?

 

[Thebuddhacel]

Please don't do anything impulsive.

This. Do a plan before man.

 

[Donk]

This. Do a plan before man.

Op said hes been practicing for weeks so im pretty sure he planned this out already

 

[rankinchris]

What is your method?

Partial Hanging, the more I read on this amazing site regarding it, the more it seems difficult to pull off. The difficult part is finding the sweet spot and SI.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Partial Hanging, the more I read on this amazing site regarding it, the more it seems difficult to pull off. The difficult part is finding the sweet spot and SI.

Okay. Well you have to choose a method that will work for you.

How are you doing now?

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

I don't want you to do anything impulsive. Doing something impulsive can seem great at the moment but trust me it isnt. You can end up in even more pain than you are in now. I'm so sorry you aren't able to see your daughter right now. I really hope things will get settled soon. We are here for you if you need to talk. I know you're feeling low but I believe that you can get through at least today. Know you aren't alone <3

 

[Donk]

Partial Hanging, the more I read on this amazing site regarding it, the more it seems difficult to pull off. The difficult part is finding the sweet spot and SI.

dood i thought you've been practicing?

 

[Brink]

Hoping you got through yesterday's pain and wishing you a more peaceful day. How are you coping today?

 

[rankinchris]

dood i thought you've been practicing?

Hey! yeah I have ALOT ! Sometimes I get the correct spot other times the jugular.

Hoping you got through yesterday's pain and wishing you a more peaceful day. How are you coping today?

Hey ! feeling a bit better today, I strongly believe my medication makes me feel worse. I haven't taken any in the past 24 hours

 

[Brink]

Hey ! feeling a bit better today, I strongly believe my medication makes me feel worse. I haven't taken any in the past 24 hours

Hi :) great news! I can relate to that... psychostimulant meds cost me years of my life and definitely made me worse. So long as the benefits of not taking it outweigh the positives I guess, and it doesn't lead to complications with your case?

 

[rankinchris]

Hi :) great news! I can relate to that... psychostimulant meds cost me years of my life and definitely made me worse. So long as the benefits of not taking it outweigh the positives I guess, and it doesn't lead to complications with your case?

Yeah this is the problem I have with my case. The mother of my child knows I suffer from depression ( I have done before I met her ) she was very supportive and came to doctors appointments etc with me. But since we broke up she has used it all against me. I know if I stop my medication it will go against me to see my daughter. My father is just of the phone with her, he was saying " he hasn't seen his daughter for 2 months now, can he not even phone you to build up communication" he was told no not just now. I don't know how much more I can take of it. Every single day is a struggle. My biggest worry is that she meets someone new and another guy is in my daughters life. That would end me for sure. She made up a few weeks ago that she is seing someone and they went shopping with my daughter. However, neighbours confirmed no one has been around her house etc. I don't know if she has made that up to try and hurt me even more. I am not aloud near her house due to police orders. As I was phoning and texting a lot to see my daughter, this was apparently classed as harassment and the ceased my phone, which has now been 6 weeks and I still don't have it back. Its very messy

 

[Lastravel]

Can't relate to your story but one thing I know is that women can easily make up things/lie to the judge which is often more clement to women than men (this is what justice should be right ? LOL )

In my opinion don't expect your wife to be supportive, but nothing else than a mean person to you. She probably doesn't want to feel bad and blame herself so she persuaded herself that you were worthless and stuff like this in order to feel better and move on. This will probably be what she say to your daughter when she grows up. Sad but true.

Hope you can find a solution whether it's to move on or something else.

 

[Brink]

Yeah this is the problem I have with my case. The mother of my child knows I suffer from depression ( I have done before I met her ) she was very supportive and came to doctors appointments etc with me. But since we broke up she has used it all against me. I know if I stop my medication it will go against me to see my daughter. My father is just of the phone with her, he was saying " he hasn't seen his daughter for 2 months now, can he not even phone you to build up communication" he was told no not just now. I don't know how much more I can take of it. Every single day is a struggle.

Thank you for sharing. That's a tough one for sure... she sounds very narcissistic I'm sorry you have to deal with her disgusting behaviour.

My biggest worry is that she meets someone new and another guy is in my daughters life. That would end me for sure. She made up a few weeks ago that she is seing someone and they went shopping with my daughter. However, neighbours confirmed no one has been around her house etc. I don't know if she has made that up to try and hurt me even more. I am not aloud near her house due to police orders. As I was phoning and texting a lot to see my daughter, this was apparently classed as harassment and the ceased my phone, which has now been 6 weeks and I still don't have it back. Its very messy

I guess you have to prepare for the fact that she may meet someone new one day, but that's all the more reason to fight for your daughter in the hope that there's some sort of positive outcome for you. It is very messy... wish I could help other than hearing you and being a member of the community.

 

[Remember to forget]

I hope things get better for you soon x
I have never been in your situation but I understand what it's like not being able to see someone you love and feeling helpless.

 

[moonsafari]

I'm not sure if this would work for you - I've heard somewhere that the ex just finally gave up on winning custody and as a last resort completely moved on from his child. I think that life is precious for the most part and if you can't deal with not being able to win your daughter back, then there's obviously more in life to look forward to, like getting remarried and having another child - and starting all over again. Forget about your child and start a whole new family with new memories. That's the advice I have for you. I know by committing suicide you might show her that you truly cared for her, but if you've tried so hard, it's best to move on.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Hey! yeah I have ALOT ! Sometimes I get the correct spot other times the jugular.

Hey ! feeling a bit better today, I strongly believe my medication makes me feel worse. I haven't taken any in the past 24 hours

Hope you are feeling better. If you trust your instincts with your medication, be careful, tapering off is always a good idea.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

I really think today could be the day I CTB. I have never felt as shit as I do today, I am tired of fighting through lawyers with my ex as she has stopped me seing my daughter. I cant afford to keep up with lawyers. I miss my daughter so much she is only 19 months old and i now havent seen her for 2 months. My ex walks past me on the street as if i dont exist. I cant do this anymore, I really cant. I have never felt this determined to CTB, it was always on my mind and practised partial hanging. But today i feel so so low that i want to end it

I'm sorry you're going through this. My boyfriend's ex tricked him into two pregnancies only to pull this very same thing after years of abusing him. I can't imagine your pain.

Your daughter would want to know her daddy. I understand unbearable pain and wanting it to stop but.. I don't think it's fair that this woman gets to set the narrative to your child, who loves you even though you're currently not together. I know this might sound strange but.. I'd encourage you to keep fighting here.

 

[Sadddd]

Agree with the comments here, be careful coming off your meds (ALWAYS TAPER if you must) and make sure ctb is the right choice for you

a suggestion? it sounds like you have been making a lot of effort to see your daughter (understandable) but this has resulted in the police taking your phone and you not being allowed near the house. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you but try and put on a calm front when dealing with police and ex.

I speak from experience as when i get manic i fixate on one thing and (even if i'm 100% correct) the way it's perceived is that i'm not in control or even possibly a danger. it seems your father has a line of communication, try and set yourself a few days (maybe the weekend and Monday/Tuesday) to let everything settle. your ex and child will still be there on wednesday. before you have any contact with them, sense check it with your dad or a friend. this was advice given to me that has been helpful.

i hope this is useful, as with the other members here thoughts are with you :-/