Rowena
Member
- Apr 3, 2024
- 6
Hi... I'm rowena i'm transgender and can't stand my life anymore... I already posted a presentation post but here i am again and i want to discuss that topic... I'm 28, i started hormones and stuff like 7 months ago... Yes, i see facial changes because of ethinilestradiol (wich no one talks and even approaches to) but... i dont know... I've put in the table that i must make facial surgery... it will cost like 80.000 EU maximum but... I don't have a work, i dont want to go on boy mode... even if i think i look like a fuckin male.... and... that's the point, i'm stuck.... I need that work to buy a car and make 5.000 EU for camion driving license (sorry for my bad english) i live near switzerland... (Wich if u have swiss citizenship you have access to FREE FACIAL SURGERY)... Here in italy only top and bottom surgeryes are considered the demolishing aspect of an individual... Anyway.... I need to do a lot of work and it's ok... i can wait and live in my world alone like i always did... but... I simply can't go in boy mode, and i feel like that going even with a tiny line of eyeliner and mascara (wich i dont know why it makes you very feminine) i will lose the work and f**k everything... I need a starting point... I don't look like a male like that... I don't full look like a female.... The world is strict but it's right i think, there are no sucxh things like ''misgender'' you are what you look like.... and... It can be fixed, i already know even what to tell to surgeon to be changed in my face, (need tiroplasty too cause my voice is AWFUL)... anyways... I dont know... I tried to CTB with methadone, 30 doses of 90 mg each... (last december)... And the night night method 3 times.... I failed... And haven't considered a suicide methodd because i've seen a friend who collapsed and hit the head in the ground and he stayed in coma for 2 months... I've seen the intubation scars, for being fed, and for peeing... and that thing scared me alot..... But i considered a thing that i've considered many many years ago... And that is the point of the discussion, CTB by hypothermia.... Just going into the woods, put off my pants, keep on my t-shirt (just because i am having little breast development due to progesterone) (wich is not discussed in the trans world but anyway) what you think? I know that at some point when you freeze you feel like you are burned... but... is that so much painful? It's assured that you will CTB 100%, throwing away the phone and just lie in the woods at 5° degrees i think it will kill you in a matter of 2-3 hours... and i think that when you get naked it will be the most painful part... The rest is just going on... is like when you submerge yourself in very cold water... Am i right? i don't know why i'm posting that thing... the thruth is that i used to cut my veins alot and do crazy s**t when i was a male... but when i discovered Hormone therapy and began it... i can't even put a needle in the veins... I admit, i am a p***y in all ways, i tried the easyest methods, i even cryed before trying the Night Night method thinking that will work and it's the end, i've got 30 minutes preparation... With the methadone i took 1 day to be ''ready'' to uncork all the bottles and put all the methadone in a very big and large glass.... Suicide is absurd somehow, the preparation... determination... and stuff.... I don't know I'm scared but somehow i'm confortable with that CTB method... if i fail in the job wich is the only one that i can do like that, like a trans wich is in transition and wich i don't even know if i'm fully developed or not.. If i'm not i could wait yes, but.... I need the surgeryes and the money to do that... The other way is to marry a swiss citizen and get the citizzenship .-. but i will need to pay someone for that maybe 20.000 EU and 4.000 EU for devorce procedure... I just need the money that i don't have. I never wished to having money like that... Never wanted a big house or a lamborghini but i need that to live just normally... I don't give a f**k about having a partner I just want to enter a coffee and when i talk or when someone clocks me to stare at me, looking at me that awful way.... Like an alien like something that's weird and i dont know... I was making a post about to CTB with hypothermia and wrote a storyline, i'm sorry, i don't think anyway much people will read and understand this... But i can't talk to suicide to anyone... i'll be looked again like an alien .-.
