Story I think now is the time since my accident

[1legger]

Hey I'm new here so here goes for my first post. Little background, I've been suicidal as long as I can remember tbh I remember my first suicidal thoughts being around 6-9 years old and I took meds all through high school and never felt like they helped me so once I graduated I just stopped taking them. Life seemed to be getting better I always looked forward to car meets and working on my car and motorcycle but about a year ago I made the mistake of riding home drunk. I ended up crashing single vehicle accident I don't remember it at all. But I messed myself up losing some fingers and my right leg above the knee, I was in the hospital for a long time and when I finally came home I started getting letters from debt collectors. I'm able to pay some bills now that I'm on disability and I'm unable to go to work because I'm too weak and still healing but everything is just too much for me to handle and I keep thinking to myself that I should have died that night as to make it easier on everyone else they would have gotten my life insurance and since everything was in my name my family wouldn't have to pick up the bills. But I lived and now living with 1 leg needing help for everything from being driven around to getting/making food is a massive pain in the ass and I'm unable to drive or do any of the things I enjoyed before. My doctors say that I will be able to get a prosthetic leg but that's only if insurance covers it and they dropped me because I haven't gone to work and now I have this super cheap shitty insurance because thats all I can afford and I'm drowning in debt, my family seems to hate me (since it's been almost a year and they say I should be more independent) they never say yes to helping me drive again or anything around the house that I need help with so I just lay in my bed and wait till the next doctors appointment to leave my room and I'm tired of it. I just want to CTB as I should have that night a year ago.

 

[Jolene79]

Do you live with your parents ? It sounds like alot of outside pressures, if removed, would mean you weren't suicidal?

If you had one of those brilliant prosthetic limbs I imagine life would be better. It's so shit you're waiting around unable to get a bloody false limb FFS. Can your parents help get the money together for this even.

Is there a part of you feeling so bad about yourself because it was from drunk driving? We've all made really shitty mistakes at some point.

Being relatively young it's alot to contend with. I have half my intestines removed and use a stoma bag. I couldn't give a stuff, never did. If I was 20 it would have been so much tougher though and may have impacted my emotional well being.

I imagine you don't have the energy or mental will to try crowdfund for a limb. They seem to be quite successful if you pull at the heart strings.

I hope something comes up for you so you feel better about things and if you find no way out I hope you find solace in knowing you can ctb

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really dreadful what you've been through, I understand why you would feel so tired of suffering like that, I find it so awful how existing here can easily get much more unbearable all through no fault of one's own. But anyway best wishes.

 

[アホペンギン]

This seems horrible, i can't imagine having to go through this, i understand why you are suicidal now. I would also think that i should've died in the crash, it would be for the greater good for everyone around and me too. If you're living with your family maybe they can help with insurance if they're nice enough? Maybe afterwards you can get the leg and live a somewhat normal life. Its horrible how your family disregards the fact that its very hard for you to do anything because of the fact that you lost a limb. Its also regrettable as they world purposely makes it so hard to ctb, especially while having a very hard time doing the normal day to day things. Even your family resents you which makes your situation so much worse especially considering that you need their help to do everything. I really feel bad for you, I send you my best regards and i hope you can go through with ctb and succeed someday, you look like you need it. Best wishes.

 

[1legger]

Do you live with your parents ? It sounds like alot of outside pressures, if removed, would mean you weren't suicidal?

If you had one of those brilliant prosthetic limbs I imagine life would be better. It's so shit you're waiting around unable to get a bloody false limb FFS. Can your parents help get the money together for this even.

Is there a part of you feeling so bad about yourself because it was from drunk driving? We've all made really shitty mistakes at some point.

Being relatively young it's alot to contend with. I have half my intestines removed and use a stoma bag. I couldn't give a stuff, never did. If I was 20 it would have been so much tougher though and may have impacted my emotional well being.

I imagine you don't have the energy or mental will to try crowdfund for a limb. They seem to be quite successful if you pull at the heart strings.

I hope something comes up for you so you feel better about things and if you find no way out I hope you find solace in knowing you can ctb

I do live with my parents as I can't live on my own. I think life would be better with a prosthetic limb as well but even with a prosthetic leg from what Ive seen and read I can't really do the things I used to love doing. Being an above the knee amputee at 23 is the worst thing I think could happen to someone and I feel a lot of guilt for drunk driving being it was so avoidable but I am glad I didn't hurt anyone else in the process. At this point I don't think life will really get any better if I get a prosthetic limb I will still be learning to walk again and exercising to get better and it's less about my leg because I feel like I can learn to overcome obstacles when it comes to my leg but my hand being so messed up makes it hard to grip, grab, hold and having virtually no dexterity in my hand makes doing anything with my hands extremely hard.

That sounds really dreadful what you've been through, I understand why you would feel so tired of suffering like that, I find it so awful how existing here can easily get much more unbearable all through no fault of one's own. But anyway best wishes.

Living in the U.S. it feels like I'm not worth rehabiliting all because I can no longer work I hate the way our medical system has failed me.