Venting I think next year would be my year (Venting post)

[HollowSoul]

I think I've decided that I will give myself to summer 2027

It saddest me, because part of me really wanna live, but its like I dont have much choice since my life kindda sucks.

I guess for context: Im a 31f from Spain, Im also not blessed in looks, something I have been forced to hear from literally anyone I meet, and you know, for awhile, I didnt care I always thought about focusing on me, I tried to somehow compensate by being extremely funny to be around and trying to be a good person. I thought eventually I would meet someone who werent superficial but I learned hard way no such people exist

At the end of the day, looks are important to everyone. So theres one of the reasons. I feel fucking alone, I see myself living miserable and with no one to share anything. Whenever I start to like someone I always get this fantasies of what would It be for us to fall in love then reality hits. Im fucking ugly.

Another big reason its I cant find a fucking job. I wasted three years to get a degree for nothing, It only gives me temporary jobs once in a while but nothing permanent

I still live with my parents and you know, even tho they are not that bad im starting to hate them, and hate every minuto. I hate not having independency, I hate not having privacy. But then I also think thats even having a proper job would be useless for me because I wouldnt be able to aford living alone!!! because the world IS made for people with partners.

So, the only things that kindda attached me to live, my parents, friends ( i love them dearly truly), pets...are starting to no giving a fuck much anymore.

Now, you'll ask why wait till summer 2027?

Mostly because I plan to ctb with SN, since lurking on this site I found is my best method, its not pleasant but It only requieres of me to drink an awful drink. I can take It.

Thing is I've read deliveries might take MONTHS, and Im still not sure if its safe to order It in Spain and I really wanna ctb in summer with hot weather

So I think a year for prep its necessary.
Next month im going to a concert of my all time fave band, and I think is kinnda cathartic in a way, like, starting to cross things in my list to do before dying.

So yeah, I might write things on here as time pass by we'll see but idk I have a clear mind and I find myself at peace with this resolution

Again I just need to gather info on dsl delivery to spain mostly so all help would be appreciated

 

[tonicer]

I know your pain. I am a 43 year old guy from Germany and i am so ugly i remain a KHHV at my age. Being ugly is a curse and being poor is a second curse on top of the first one. If i won the lottery or got rich in another way i would buy a house far away from people and just live there with a bunch of animals and order what i need via the internet. No matter where is go people look at me like I'm some gross monster. There is a really good person underneath my ugliness they will never get to know because they are all so superficial.

 

[HollowSoul]

I know your pain. I am a 43 year old guy from Germany and i am so ugly i remain a KHHV at my age. Being ugly is a curse and being poor is a second curse on top of the first one. If i won the lottery or got rich in another way i would buy a house far away from people and just live there with a bunch of animals and order what i need via the internet. No matter where is go people look at me like I'm some gross monster. There is a really good person underneath my ugliness they will never get to know because they are all so superficial.

One of the reasons why I cant find a job...Last year they hired me in a very small shop, I guess they were desperate, but the boss just casually said to me "You are smart but not very pretty"

Next month Im going to meet some new people I met online for the concert and I just now the very first thing they are going to think when seeing me its how fucking ugly I am

 

[tonicer]

One of the reasons why I cant find a job...Last year they hired me in a very small shop, I guess they were desperate, but the boss just casually said to me "You are smart but not very pretty"

Next month Im going to meet some new people I met online for the concert and I just now the very first thing they are going to think when seeing me its how fucking ugly I am

I hope those people are nice and don't react weird to you and just see you as a fellow fan of the band. :)

 

[HollowSoul]

So today my mom just reafirmed my decission

I no longer feel bad for leave them.

Its so nice to see how my mom says to me she is grateful with me for helping her with everything but the moment she has with my brother to talk shit about me and how Im wasting my time and that they 'cant get rid of me' It surely nice

Dont worry, you wont have to wait long, next summer

My plan so far: not giving a shit about anything currently till concert next month

After that I will research more how to obtain SN, maybe I will try my luck with dsl and hope the SN doesnt get stuck on customs...

And then...we'll see, I really wanna waith summer 27

But If I have my SN by Septiember when IS still warm weather...Who knows

 

[HollowSoul]

Soo... I think im gonna use this thread like some sort of diary for my vents till I ctb or not idk

I dont know if this is allowed but I've seen a few threads like this so I think its not an issue

So, yea, not many things have changed since my latest update, still unemployed, still hating living with my parents, still living on stand by mode till the concert and its still the only thing I care about atm

But, one thing I didnt say, Im so fucking pathetic its amusing so I will just share it with you:

For the concert I'm staying in a friend of a friend's house, we've meet a few times, we get along fine, but we dont have a really close connection you know? like the relationship its not close yet

thing is, she is very friendly, and pretty, and single (i think) and again, the few times we meet I think we got along cool but yeah...im just staying in her house for like 4 days, and its gonna be like the first time we alone, just us

but again, I know im so love deprived Im creating a fake some sort of possibility that aint real and aint not gonna happen because: 1. Im ugly AF and 2. im fucking unemployed living with my parents and she just have a nice job and a fucking house

couldntb be living more separated lives....also, I tried like, open up a possibility of talking more on the phone and I dont think she wants that bc after talking about the preparations for the trip we stopped talking...so yeah

im so fucking pathetic I keep daydreaming of a romcom scenario where she just falls in love. Im thinking on outfits to wear, also considering giving her flowers (as a thanks for letting me stay...) and I know fucking flowers arent everything to like someone, can I be more fucking PATHETIC?? to even think I have a chance??

also sapphic relationships are a nightmare because everything will be considered "friendly" agh

Im just stupid and an idiot and I know nothing will happen and I know after the concert and this 4 days trip I'll wanna CTB more and I fucking hate that I cant possibly get SN anywhere and I will have to find another method but I dont wanna hang myself or other methods that are hella expensive

fuckfuckmylifefuck everything

 

[HollowSoul]

So I guess SN method is off the list for now

DSL is out and It seems MIC its not that much reliable yet

So idk or I go for OD (which I find It hard, becuase meds from dark web seems expensive AF and also dont know how crypto works) or a go for Partial Hanging method because i doubt they will ban ropes...

Not really fan of this method because I cant do It in my home since I live with my parents so I need like to research places and stuff and ugh

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I have a few thoughts. Regarding SN… in the coming months, there will probably be another popular source here. Or maybe DSL will be back, either way. I think it's just a matter of time before you'll be able to find it. However… you said that SN only requires you to drink an awful drink. The thing about that is the drinking part isn't the the hardest part. The hardest part is when it actually starts to take effect. I don't think taking SN is the toughest way to die, but I don't think it's the easiest way, either. Just something to consider.

Regarding some other issues, people are superficial, yes, that's a fact, but I have known a number of incredibly unattractive but VERY happy couples. And some happy couples who were mismatched in terms of attractiveness. I do think you might find women a bit more focused on things like personality and a bit less focused on looks than men, and if I were in your situation, I think that's where I'd be putting my attention. Style can also count for something (could either butching or femming it up help? maybe you just haven't found what look suits you best?). I know everything has got you down but I wouldn't give up just yet.