Venting I think my time is coming up

[soysoysoy]

I've already implied to my old friends that I won't be here much longer / have already died. I've missed them for so long and I lose them each day I wake up in the morning. I dream that nothing went sour between us and we still spoke like nothing happened. I plan on slowly giving away some of my possessions so people have something to remember me by, mostly some of my close friends. I had a horrible breakdown just yesterday night and I captioned it and posted it on an alt instagram account of mine, pretending to be an online friend of myself posting for "national mental health awareness month coming up." It was just an excuse to send it to my old friends so they know I'm not gonna be around for much longer, and it's their fault.

My plan is probably disagreeable to most of you here. I plan on disfiguring my body as much as possible, cuts, bruises, scratches, the works, all over my body. Then, tying one end of my noose to the railings of my school's 2nd floor landing and throwing myself over the edge. I want my death to be publicized, I want my death to be filmed, I want the people who hurt me to see what they've done to me and I want to live on forever in their minds, I want my death to end up on websites where people watch others die, I want people to see my death on the news, I want people in my school to talk about what could have driven me to that point, I want to be immortalized.

I know it's selfish to do that to other people but the problem with that is I don't care. If it's the only way I can get a specific person to see me, then I'll do it. He's ignored me for over a year now, and it's making me lose my mind. I've tried everything you can imagine, I was even gonna try to figure out where he moved to so I could send letters, but that's proven to be harder than I thought. I've run out of options and I'm coming up on my last one. I wonder if any of them will be reading this in the future? Sometimes I wonder if I'll be able to make myself a spectacle, or if I'll just end up being another statistic.

The whole situation stresses me out, not because I'm dying, but because I don't want to be forgotten. I want to do things that will force people to remember me, and I don't know what that takes. If any of you have ideas I'd love to hear them, but I'm not here for support. My mind IS made up, and I don't plan on changing it any time soon. I need this to happen before exams next month. I don't wnna take them for nothing.

If anybody wants the link to me crying about how everything sucks I can send it to you (maybe).

 

[a.hamza.13]

It's just a delusion that people really care about your feelings. If you do this it would just be an event for them and nothing else. They'll forget about it very soon. If you don't believe it then take the history. You'll know about it. A short time ago a very close friend of my friend committed suicide. He sent the statuses on WhatsApp for like some days pretending that he really cared about his friend's death but it's just a norm of the society. Actually, he was laughing with me the next day his friend died.

 

[lizzywizzy09]

It's just a delusion that people really care about your feelings. If you do this it would just be an event for them and nothing else. They'll forget about it very soon. If you don't believe it then take the history. You'll know about it. A short time ago a very close friend of my friend committed suicide. He sent the statuses on WhatsApp for like some days pretending that he really cared about his friend's death but it's just a norm of the society. Actually, he was laughing with me the next day his friend died.

I agree. If someone is going to ctb, it should be what they want for themselves. We cannot control how others think and unfortunately, people have an out of sight, out of mind perspective. It's like the news cycle, people move on the next day.