I've crept through this site a few times in the past, never posted & lost my original login. It always gave me comfort seeing I wasn't alone in the ways I've felt and my thoughts on ending it all.
I hope I'm posting this in the correct area.
I'm sorry this going to be a novel, and understand if you move on to other threads.
So, life has been hard and my SO has finally made me see the real prespective of my my life and how little meaning it has.
I grew up with an alcoholic father, who never wanted me. My mother said I was nothing but a piece of property. My only saving grace was my grandmother and aunt who loved me with no conditions. Unfortunately, they have been gone since the beginning of the 2000s. I have never felt a greater loss in my life than losing those two.
I've been with my SO a long time and have an adult child.
I used to work, but that's its own messed up story with twists and turns.
I am unable to work now because of bad knees and the only solution is knee replacement but the doctors are hesitant because it is not common for someone my age to have both knees this deteriorated.
I have no one, no friends, no support system, nothing. If I disappeared, no one would notice until a family function. Even then, I doubt anyone would think a second thought and just assumed I stayed home.
My SO and I were talking today and I he questioned me why if his phone goes off I sometimes asked who text him or what not. My simple answer was because I'm alone. He works, I'm alone all day with elderly dogs (but that's another story). I have no one to ever talk to, so I get curious and just ask hoping it will spark a conversation. They always talk to me about discussions they have with work colleagues because a lot of it I can relate to because I have similar views. My SO is my only lifeline outside of my head and pathetic existence. No one texts me so I essentially live through all the people that text them. Once I explained this to them, they said they understand now and was sorry for questioning me.
So our conversation continues to how no one would even notice if I disappeared. They elaborated how sad it is that even my mom wouldn't notice. Then they continued, I could just say you left and no one would think anything. So they don't even care if I just disappear, is what that made me think.
A little bit passes and we start talking about similar topics. They get upset because they didn't like something I said and then just starts going on about maybe I should disappear, who would care, who would notice. Then a whole slew of derogatory names.
Now let me say, this is not normal behavior of them. They are not abusive and don't normally talk to me in this way. We barely even fight.
So, I've finally come to the conclusion that maybe I am just a burden in this life. Maybe it's time I go be with the only 2 people whoever gave a crap about me.
This is what lead me to finally post this dumb pathetic novel.
Thank you for reading and I hope to learn what I need to do to make sure I do it right the first time. I know when I want to do it, there's a story there also for my time-frame. I also know how I need to do it because it's the only method I have access to. I'll elaborate on that another time because I'm sure I'll have questions.
My preferred method is probably unattainable because I dont understand crypto or how to do anything without SO questioning me or being aware of what I'm doing.
I hope I'm posting this in the correct area.
I'm sorry this going to be a novel, and understand if you move on to other threads.
So, life has been hard and my SO has finally made me see the real prespective of my my life and how little meaning it has.
I grew up with an alcoholic father, who never wanted me. My mother said I was nothing but a piece of property. My only saving grace was my grandmother and aunt who loved me with no conditions. Unfortunately, they have been gone since the beginning of the 2000s. I have never felt a greater loss in my life than losing those two.
I've been with my SO a long time and have an adult child.
I used to work, but that's its own messed up story with twists and turns.
I am unable to work now because of bad knees and the only solution is knee replacement but the doctors are hesitant because it is not common for someone my age to have both knees this deteriorated.
I have no one, no friends, no support system, nothing. If I disappeared, no one would notice until a family function. Even then, I doubt anyone would think a second thought and just assumed I stayed home.
My SO and I were talking today and I he questioned me why if his phone goes off I sometimes asked who text him or what not. My simple answer was because I'm alone. He works, I'm alone all day with elderly dogs (but that's another story). I have no one to ever talk to, so I get curious and just ask hoping it will spark a conversation. They always talk to me about discussions they have with work colleagues because a lot of it I can relate to because I have similar views. My SO is my only lifeline outside of my head and pathetic existence. No one texts me so I essentially live through all the people that text them. Once I explained this to them, they said they understand now and was sorry for questioning me.
So our conversation continues to how no one would even notice if I disappeared. They elaborated how sad it is that even my mom wouldn't notice. Then they continued, I could just say you left and no one would think anything. So they don't even care if I just disappear, is what that made me think.
A little bit passes and we start talking about similar topics. They get upset because they didn't like something I said and then just starts going on about maybe I should disappear, who would care, who would notice. Then a whole slew of derogatory names.
Now let me say, this is not normal behavior of them. They are not abusive and don't normally talk to me in this way. We barely even fight.
So, I've finally come to the conclusion that maybe I am just a burden in this life. Maybe it's time I go be with the only 2 people whoever gave a crap about me.
This is what lead me to finally post this dumb pathetic novel.
Thank you for reading and I hope to learn what I need to do to make sure I do it right the first time. I know when I want to do it, there's a story there also for my time-frame. I also know how I need to do it because it's the only method I have access to. I'll elaborate on that another time because I'm sure I'll have questions.
My preferred method is probably unattainable because I dont understand crypto or how to do anything without SO questioning me or being aware of what I'm doing.
