kat_
Member
- Dec 10, 2025
- 12
yesterday i decided i want to ctb soon.
i've wanted to for a long time, and i've tried countless times. i think i failed so many times because deep down, i didn't 100% want to. this time feels different.
i've spent years and years trying my hardest to get better. i've been on so many different meds and have had tons of therapy, and although i've definitely had isolated periods i go out with friends/family as much as i can. i don't think there's a real cause to my issues other than my brain chemistry being messed up. nothing gets better. i don't care anymore if there's a chance it will get better one day, it's like asking someone in a pit to look over a mountain.
i haven't done it yet because i'm afraid of a few things - first, i'm scared it will hurt. when i do it i want the most painless method.
i'm also afraid of what comes after. the thought of there being nothing terrifies me, and i know that i was nothing for billions of years before i was born, but still it seriously freaks me out.
i'm also afraid there is something, but i don't really know what. the thought of me not being me anymore scares me.
i'm also afraid to leave my family, and my dog. she just turned one. they'll miss me and it will destroy them, but every day hurts more than the last and all i do is worry them anyway.
this is a bit of a ramble and i don't really have a conclusion. i'm just tired
i've wanted to for a long time, and i've tried countless times. i think i failed so many times because deep down, i didn't 100% want to. this time feels different.
i've spent years and years trying my hardest to get better. i've been on so many different meds and have had tons of therapy, and although i've definitely had isolated periods i go out with friends/family as much as i can. i don't think there's a real cause to my issues other than my brain chemistry being messed up. nothing gets better. i don't care anymore if there's a chance it will get better one day, it's like asking someone in a pit to look over a mountain.
i haven't done it yet because i'm afraid of a few things - first, i'm scared it will hurt. when i do it i want the most painless method.
i'm also afraid of what comes after. the thought of there being nothing terrifies me, and i know that i was nothing for billions of years before i was born, but still it seriously freaks me out.
i'm also afraid there is something, but i don't really know what. the thought of me not being me anymore scares me.
i'm also afraid to leave my family, and my dog. she just turned one. they'll miss me and it will destroy them, but every day hurts more than the last and all i do is worry them anyway.
this is a bit of a ramble and i don't really have a conclusion. i'm just tired
