tldr; 24 year old incompetent spinster doesn't know how to live without her parents holding her hand.
dad died when i was 17 (unexpectedly), found him dead. put mom on life support in 2019, for her to survive and recover, only to get sick in 2023, be diagnosed with cancer in the er, and die not even 30 days later.
i have struggled immensely for almost 2 years. taking care of her (disabled early 60s) was my literal point of not catching the bus. all the times i seriously considered od'ing or something like that (now after experience, i know that all the medicines i have access to cannot cause an od), what actually stopped me in the end was thinking of her finding me. i will never forget the look on her face when i told her my father wasn't breathing.
even when they were here, i struggled. struggled to do everything that all the other kids could do. first time i remember cutting myself (even though it was so weak, like a papercut) was when i was 8 or 9 and they separated for a short period. 2nd grade, dude. so its not even their death thats to blame (entirely), im literally defective. i just got a letter in the mail that i owe $2k property tax on a home ive been legally responsible for, while ALSO trying my hardest to make monthly payments on the mortgage that has $22,000 left on it ( which was a loan to get the entire wood structure under our house replaced and the floors restabilized after termite damage) going on just now a year as the estate proceedings weren't finalized till the beginning of last year, thats in need of the ac unit fully replaced, several leaks in the ceiling (small), and mold in half the kitchen (not black). i didn't even want to live here while she was here, now i literally have no choice. the alternative is to get an apartment; no way i could buy a house even if i could afford it. all ive wanted is to be a good person, good girlfriend (cant attract a man who wants a relationship and cant keep one when they do, havent dated someone in 4 years) and find myself, but i can't do it when im so focused on money all the time. i wish i had been successful in my prior attempts. i would have never had to watch her slowly deteriorate, or be hit again and again with shit that i don't want to know happened.
i am completely and utterly stuck i am never going to get caught up. i have exhausted all resources available to me; her brother and sister, my angelic aunt and uncle, have financially kept me alive since her passing. they have helped with emergency expenses, and my uncle wouldnt let me pay him back for half of it. i have no credit as i was an idiot and maxxed it all out at 18. therefore, also disqualifying me from getting any loans. have the highest paying job ive ever had in my life, and now i have trouble showing up because of my own mental and physical blockages. it's safe to say, i don't see it getting any better. if it was going to, it would have by now. it has done nothing but get worse when i didn't think it could (and as i type this i pray that nothing else happens for a while) and the past two years have really shown me that im not cut out for this at all. i just need to decide how im going to catch it. i think its time to start planning.
dad died when i was 17 (unexpectedly), found him dead. put mom on life support in 2019, for her to survive and recover, only to get sick in 2023, be diagnosed with cancer in the er, and die not even 30 days later.
i have struggled immensely for almost 2 years. taking care of her (disabled early 60s) was my literal point of not catching the bus. all the times i seriously considered od'ing or something like that (now after experience, i know that all the medicines i have access to cannot cause an od), what actually stopped me in the end was thinking of her finding me. i will never forget the look on her face when i told her my father wasn't breathing.
even when they were here, i struggled. struggled to do everything that all the other kids could do. first time i remember cutting myself (even though it was so weak, like a papercut) was when i was 8 or 9 and they separated for a short period. 2nd grade, dude. so its not even their death thats to blame (entirely), im literally defective. i just got a letter in the mail that i owe $2k property tax on a home ive been legally responsible for, while ALSO trying my hardest to make monthly payments on the mortgage that has $22,000 left on it ( which was a loan to get the entire wood structure under our house replaced and the floors restabilized after termite damage) going on just now a year as the estate proceedings weren't finalized till the beginning of last year, thats in need of the ac unit fully replaced, several leaks in the ceiling (small), and mold in half the kitchen (not black). i didn't even want to live here while she was here, now i literally have no choice. the alternative is to get an apartment; no way i could buy a house even if i could afford it. all ive wanted is to be a good person, good girlfriend (cant attract a man who wants a relationship and cant keep one when they do, havent dated someone in 4 years) and find myself, but i can't do it when im so focused on money all the time. i wish i had been successful in my prior attempts. i would have never had to watch her slowly deteriorate, or be hit again and again with shit that i don't want to know happened.
i am completely and utterly stuck i am never going to get caught up. i have exhausted all resources available to me; her brother and sister, my angelic aunt and uncle, have financially kept me alive since her passing. they have helped with emergency expenses, and my uncle wouldnt let me pay him back for half of it. i have no credit as i was an idiot and maxxed it all out at 18. therefore, also disqualifying me from getting any loans. have the highest paying job ive ever had in my life, and now i have trouble showing up because of my own mental and physical blockages. it's safe to say, i don't see it getting any better. if it was going to, it would have by now. it has done nothing but get worse when i didn't think it could (and as i type this i pray that nothing else happens for a while) and the past two years have really shown me that im not cut out for this at all. i just need to decide how im going to catch it. i think its time to start planning.
