rayisnothereyet
Member
- May 9, 2023
- 16
ive been lurking on this website for so long now it feels. ive waited for so long for things to get better. i wanted to be better. i did all the things people say you should do. go to therapy, get help, all of it. but what do you do when that doesn't work? what if i dont want to get better anymore? im so so tired now. i just want to sleep and not wake up. over the past year i've considered just doing it more and more. it's like there's a little voice in my head whenever im doing anything that whispers to me 'do it...just do it...' over and over. its like all i ever do now is just try to quiet it. i used to love doing so much. i loved art and painting and drawing and just creating. i'd pick up a new hobby every week. i got a guitar and drums and i loved to play even though i was never any good. but i don't find enjoyment in that anymore. i can only drown my thoughts out by watching videos and listening to music, but even that is starting to feel useless.
i can't imagine anyone caring about my death. i rarely have any friends, and when i think about my family. i don't really care how they'd feel about it. why is it that i have to think about how other people might feel about it? i will never forget when my parents found out about me self harming. i felt like they were afraid of me then. and i think someone should tell them that their rants to me about how life gets so much harder later, screaming at me that i have it so easy, why am i doing this when i have no real problems arent helping. i wish they could see how hard i fought just to stay alive another day
there was this guy who i talked to online. we talked for a few months now. we called almost every day for hours on end. it made me feel...something. for a while he was sort of the only thing keeping me going. but he doesn't talk to me like we used to. we barely even text. i don't know what i did. but it feels like now that i don't have him, or anything else, it's a sign that it's probably time
ive thought about hanging because i feel like thats the most accessible thing for me, but im such a fucking idiot i'd end up fucking it up. at this point in my life, i'm not scared to die. i just fear what will happen if i fail. that's the only thing stopping me. how do i even get over that?
i just know i can't make it another year.
i can't imagine anyone caring about my death. i rarely have any friends, and when i think about my family. i don't really care how they'd feel about it. why is it that i have to think about how other people might feel about it? i will never forget when my parents found out about me self harming. i felt like they were afraid of me then. and i think someone should tell them that their rants to me about how life gets so much harder later, screaming at me that i have it so easy, why am i doing this when i have no real problems arent helping. i wish they could see how hard i fought just to stay alive another day
there was this guy who i talked to online. we talked for a few months now. we called almost every day for hours on end. it made me feel...something. for a while he was sort of the only thing keeping me going. but he doesn't talk to me like we used to. we barely even text. i don't know what i did. but it feels like now that i don't have him, or anything else, it's a sign that it's probably time
ive thought about hanging because i feel like thats the most accessible thing for me, but im such a fucking idiot i'd end up fucking it up. at this point in my life, i'm not scared to die. i just fear what will happen if i fail. that's the only thing stopping me. how do i even get over that?
i just know i can't make it another year.
