I think I'm just getting by right now on escapism. And ok with that.

[Livingvsdying25]

Realized it today after I was listening to music and day dreaming/ really getting into the music and such...



Like I think I'm a human and complex but like while lonely & scared I've also been very content within this isolation..i felt a lot of guilt before & shame but that's starting to wear off. I love the people in my kife amd I care about them so it makes me feel bad stepping away so drastically but I need it. I think sometimes especially being autistic, adhd and with the CPTSD like socializing anytime is very stressful at times. Comes with a lot of toxic shame and self criticism. RSD attacks (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) and it sucks... in so many ways what I perceive is not always reality or I'm not able to see things fully but I have so many components impacting the interpersonal aspects of life.



Now that ik I won't fully fall off by isolating and kinda confident in my inevitable end... I may re-engage in my regular life things but this weekend... just gonna spend it with myself. Writing on here this week has really helped get me through things... but gonna take a break too. Thnx everyone for the support and such this week



Now I'm feeling safe with myself /know my method isn't happening right now and I'm ok with that.



I think it also comes from like having my basic needs met as well. Like securely and all. Soo yee..



Gonna spend the weekend listening to music. Daydreaming. Youtube videos. Gaming when 3DS comes. Might do my nails. Will leave the cleaning for Monday and just rest or maybe clean on the weekend.



Shall see. But it's all to say im gonna spend this weekend content with my own company and be ok with where I'm at right now.

Like maybe this will just be a few week intense life break. Maybe I'll come back from.this able to live. Maybe I won't but right now/these days... I'm just going to think of my own rest.

which is very hard for me but I shall keep trying!!! Plus no longer will I feel guilt for using escapism and such to get away from life & to keep me in this life. Im worried about consequences of such behaviors but sometimes it's necessary.

Here's to living for another weekend

 

[cami]

take care of yourself my love, and have a great weekend <3

 

[EternalShore]

Yeah, I have to live on escapism too. :( Otherwise, I just feel awful because of how bad and hopeless life is! >_< Distracting yourself is a good thing tho because of that! ^_^ I'd rather not think of the long-term consequences...

 

[SpaceEngineer]

Escaping everything is good and I do exactly the same as you, but don't make the same mistake and become reclusive. I know you might not want to interact with others or face challenges of the day but going for a walk while listening to an interesting podcast or working out with your favourite music is a great thing to include in my opinion. Just a friendly suggestion :)