I think I'm Insane

[Without A Soul]

I have known that I'm different from others for awhile now, but I think it might be worse than I thought. I have never really had a real connection with anyone throughout my life. I had friends as a kid, but those relationships fizzled out fast once we grew up. I've had relationships with my family, but I think they had some biological/moral obligation to do that. I am certain that if we weren't related, they wouldn't spend a second thinking about me, just like everyone else. In these past relationships and the few interactions I occasionally have, I have never actually expressed something real. I have only ever put on a fake face, but as time passes that face is quickly fading. I've noticed awhile ago that I don't even try to connect with anyone anymore. I'll be polite to people and do the bare minimum to get through the day, but outside of that, nothing. I just spend my time alone online or doing other meaningless things. Through the loss of this side of myself, I come to realize that at my core I am nothing. In this absence of connection, my psychological state has been steadily descending. I have no one to express my thoughts with, so I end up just analyzing my thoughts and myself. As time passes, my thoughts have begun diving into deeper and darker parts of my mind. I always believed that I would learn more about myself and that the process was entirely rational and reasonable, but then I stepped back and viewed myself from someone's perspective and I realized how absurd I am. I have created my own personal truth that maybe only I can understand. I don't know how to get out of the hole I am in or if I even want to. I guess I now understand why insane people tend to believe that they are normal and everyone else is insane.

 

[vak]

There's a weird pressure on us to be outward-oriented and sociable. I think what you describe is perfectly normal, and perhaps your thinking represents the natural state of things, unhindered by societal expectations and checks. Being detached is the sad price for the freedom of introspection and it can stir feelings of self-doubt when confronted with others. I hope this doesn't bother you too much. I'm in a similar situation, but I've learned to appreciate it

What are the darker parts of your mind if you care to share?