Venting i think im gonna hurt myself in the next couple days

[finish.me]

my mom recently fixed up a door attached to this closet we have in the guest room and said to be careful because it fell off and almost crushed her foot, and i've been doing very horribly the last couple days and ive really been considering ctb and shit but still have obligations so i really need something to get me through the fucking day. i cant self harm anymore bc my boyfriend i s against it and i dont want it to be a problem again when i see him. i dont have access to fucking anything, and right now im really craving pain killers. i'm thinking if i get it loosened again i can drop it on my foot and break my toes and get prescribed something for the pain. i just want to feel numb