I think I’m going to die in the worst way possible

[Butterfly-death]

If I don't ctb I feel something really bad will happen to me and I could die in a horrible way worse than any of the ctb methods. I am so afraid. That the worst will happen to me. Like I will become homeless and deal with worse. Maybe this is the universe saying I deserve this. I wish I was never born. I will never forgive my parents for having me. Now I have to accept the worst.

 

[Off_Switch]

I have posted in the recent past that I feel like creating new lives of suffering through childbirth is the ultimate sin. I will stand on this hill until I die.

 

[TheHangman]

That's scary enough but I do sympathize. What does one do when facing the impossible?

 

[telekon]

I feel the same way living in Canada. Like ctb seems like the logical option if you're actually going to freeze to death; however, everything I've read about freezing to death is that it's peaceful and you don't really notice it happening at all. I read one story of kids who were about to freeze to death and when it got close to that point, they actually took off their jackets because they couldn't feel the cold anymore.

The other option is starving to death, but if you can get to a city, there are almost always churches and community centres that serve free meals. There is a lot of shit wrong with Toronto but one thing I can say is they take very good care of their homeless. We get treated like kings here. I eat better while homeless than when I was living at home, easily. I don't know what the shelter situation is like because I always sleep in my storage unit or on a friend's couch or spare room. But social workers always give me a very long list of shelters you can apparently go to. One is even a private hotel for 30 days but that's it, after the 30 days you have to leave and you're only eligible once. I guess what I'm getting at is there are always options but depression can really make it seem like there aren't any and stop you from finding them or seeing them, like you can only see so far in front of your face but there's a whole world out there. I swear being homeless is better than being sheltered in a place where you feel trapped or oppressed. I guess it's easier to say in the summertime...