I think I’m going to be alone forever because I’m the ugly fat girl.. are there any men who could ever love me?

[Higurashi415]

Not all of them. I didn't say all of them. There are many times more good ugly people than good pretty people. When they have the ability to easily get new friends or partners (because they are attractive and people don't automatically reject them), they can just shit on people's heads and treat them like garbage because a replacement is just around the corner. Some ugly people know the pain of such treatment and have a choice to either inflict it on others or never do it to anyone in hopes that it will get recognized by someone else someday. The latter method may work now to some extent but it won't in the next few years. There's just not many of us left.

Having a chip on your shoulder can definitely make you more bitter, I'm not so sure it's true. Could be, but I don't think it's that obvious.
Especially because there's a whole spectrum between being ugly, whatever that means, and being beautiful. I've not met many decent beautiful people in my life, but there's a WHOLE LOT of normal people around. Unremarkable by beauty standards.

Anyways beauty is overrated in these discussions, unless you're like 20 years old. If you're having issues with finding a partner (not you specifically, you in general) I don't think it's about beauty unless you're incomprehensively ugly.
If beauty was that important we'd all be beautiful in a couple of generations and that's clearly not happened.

 

[Dejected 55]

Yes. I've been getting the same from others. They are basically just sugarcoating what they are thinking: "You're not good enough for us! Have something we want from you!" and "Go away from me! Look for them somewhere else that's far away from me!".

Exactly. That reminds me... the multiple times women have told me how I would "make some woman happy" or "you are exactly the kind of guy who would make me happy" while they do not at all want to be with me. I was talking with one woman platonically, and I mean that. We just somehow got into a conversation at work and without any provocation or flirting from me... I had been confiding in my loneliness and such... she randomly offered something like, "You are exactly the kind of man who could ultimately make me happy." I didn't know what to do with that, especially since I knew she was married. She followed it up, though, with saying this wasn't a good time for her to think of anyone else because she was trying to rebuild her marriage after her husband had an affair.

So, here's the thing. This was an attractive woman, but I honestly wasn't flirting or thinking about her that way. She proffered the over-the-top "you could make me happy" line but immediately undercut it with, but I'd rather stick with my man who not only isn't as good as I just said you were BUT also he cheats on me and I need to make it better. What the actual hell? IF I had been attracted to her, that would have fucked me up. But I wasn't, so I just brushed past it.

 

[CuriousPotato]

Having a chip on your shoulder can definitely make you more bitter, I'm not so sure it's true. Could be, but I don't think it's that obvious.
Especially because there's a whole spectrum between being ugly, whatever that means, and being beautiful. I've not met many decent beautiful people in my life, but there's a WHOLE LOT of normal people around. Unremarkable by beauty standards.

Anyways beauty is overrated in these discussions, unless you're like 20 years old. If you're having issues with finding a partner (not you specifically, you in general) I don't think it's about beauty unless you're incomprehensively ugly.
If beauty was that important we'd all be beautiful in a couple of generations and that's clearly not happened.

I haven't been able to find many reasonable people when searching for them in person. It's been been just a big bag of selfish mammals.

"If beauty was that important we'd all be beautiful in a couple of generations and that's clearly not happened." >>> To that I'd say: Wait for it. Ever since tons of women started working a few decades ago, they no longer needed to depend on any man who showed interest in them. They gradually started getting very very picky about their (expensive) meal tickets and entertainment providers. By that I mean men. Too bad they think higher beauty means better partner. Many very old people figured out that's not the case.

 

[pain247]

Without a question there are guys out there looking to be loved just like you are looking. However you will not find them in a bar or in your home. Try church, community programs and similar.

 

[Higurashi415]

I haven't been able to find many reasonable people when searching for them in person. It's been been just a big bag of selfish mammals.

"If beauty was that important we'd all be beautiful in a couple of generations and that's clearly not happened." >>> To that I'd say: Wait for it. Ever since tons of women started working a few decades ago, they no longer needed to depend on any man who showed interest in them. They gradually started getting very very picky about their (expensive) meal tickets and entertainment providers. By that I mean men. Too bad they think higher beauty means better partner. Many very old people figured out that's not the case.

Reasonable people are hard to find in general, I don't see how it's limited to women


Women are still by and large selecting for economic status (as in, someone who earns more than they do). Most women are still by and large selecting for economic status, but that's not as bad as you say. I think you're not considering the fact that a lot of women work part time. Like, a lot. Heavily depends on where you live, but it's around 35% in Germany, 40% in Australia and 70% in the Netherlands. It looks like most women try to find a man that earns more than them, that's all. No woman ever said "I want a beautiful man by my side". (it's a joke btw, I'm sure some women have said that over the course of the entire history of humanity)

That been said FOR SURE there's women that are only looking for men 6 feet or higher, but they're mostly on dating apps and if you're a man and using dating apps you're likely screwed either way. It's not most women (again, we'd all be 6 feet otherwise and it's not the case), and most women just select someone taller than them and weighs more than them, oddly enough.

(Usually, it's not true in all cases obviously and my reasoning is mostly around statistics)

 

[Ligottian]

This may be blunt, but...humans, men especially (sorry guys) will have sex with just about anything. Farm animals, cars, dead bodies. And while I don't know you, I'm 100%+ positive you have way more to offer as a partner than any of those things. I guarantee you someone somewhere is interested in you. You just have to know how to sell it. Think of yourself not as discarded, but as exclusive.

You haven't "been there" have you, SchizoGymnast?

 

[alwaysalone]

Handsome guys are a trap. Best to forget about them for the next few generations if you want a meaningful relationship for the long run. Go after the ugly guys. They are very lonely and will be happy to have you. In my experience, the prettier they are, the worse personalities they have. Men and women. You want a handsome guy? He can always just replace you with someone better. Always. Only attempt to get them if you're in it for the trophy. They are worthless in a relationship otherwise. My advice: go on a dating site, like Bumble for example, and read the profiles of the ugliest chums you can find. You'll be pleasantly surprised.

This is ridiculously biased and not at all true. It's never ok to put others down because of your own jealousies and insecurities. Imagine if someone said go for the "ugly" ones they're desperate enough to put up with anything. Of all the men I've known the least attractive had the worst personalities.

 

[SchizoGymnast]

You haven't "been there" have you, SchizoGymnast?

If I ever got to that point, I would have caught the bus with a rifle a long time ago. No, I am in a monogamous relationship with myself.

 

[Dejected 55]

Women have changed more than men, from what I can tell.

Sure, some men are opening up more and being more vulnerable, but I don't know how much that is moving the needle.

Women, though... seem to still be using their old criteria like money and status but that has shifted since many women now have their own money and status so they "must" seek men with even more money/status than they would have in the past. Meanwhile, women seem to have also adopted more make criteria. In the past women cared less about a man's looks... but now they seem to care more. It was always shallow when men chose only on looks, and now women do the same thing... and that's hard to overcome suddenly without leaving a lot of men behind.

I get women being oppressed and held back for generations, in the US and in most of the world... I get there is some bounce-back when they get more freedom and not only want to exercise that but want to push the boundaries. Like, the famous interview with Justice Ginsberg who, when asked how many women she thought should be on the Supreme Court, she said nine. She continued that nobody thought it was weird to have all men, so why not have all women? And I get her sentiment... and IF all the best people at the time for the positions were women, I have ZERO problem with it. But... we had generations of putting unqualified or bad men in positions just because they were men even if there was a better female candidate... I would hate to see us swing the pendulum the other way and put an unqualified woman in place just to "stick it to the man." I hoped the quest for equality would be just that... equality. Lift women up and knock men down a peg. But there are a lot of people who seem to just want to turn things upside down as if that's any better.

Just like a LOT of good women have been historically overlooked and oppressed... I fear we could be headed towards a period of time where good men are overlooked and oppressed just to "make up" for things. I'm all for women having equal rights and equal power and being/doing anything they want in this world. I just wish that so many wouldn't be trying to turn the tables and be like the bad men of old. Also, this tends to make those men who still want to fuck over women even more determined to do so... because they are scared, and so the bad men are going to be worse men now, trying to "break" that "uppity" woman.

In a "perfect" world, we would still like people who don't like us... and it would still be difficult to make connections. But our society tends to make "difficult" into "nearly impossible" and "attainable" into "difficult" and everything is just a whole lot harder and more painful and discouraging than it really should be for us to find people and make connections.

Think when you are an innocent child, not yet scarred and corrupted by society... you could just walk up to another kid you see randomly and say "wanna play with me" or "wanna be friends" and they would. If you had fun you wanted to do it again, if you didn't then you were okay and asked someone else the next day. But ten years of being in the world after that, and exposure and understanding of how society seems to work... and young kids begin to form cliques and decide which kids are "better" than others and which kids "need" to be picked on and excluded... It starts when we are young, because we see how adults treat each other... and we mimic... and we see which adults seem to be in charge, and we mimic them more... and it goes on and on and on.

 

[protector_iorek]

I know what you mean, appearance is a huge factor in perception. But if it helps, you said you are pursuing what you love with your all, and that was always my most precious wish, yet I never had the means to. I'm about the same age as you now. So you have some good things others wish for.
I'm fat as well today. Hideously so. Have been for most of my adult life, so I can relate to what it feels like. Over a year ago I got into great shape strength wise, impressing myself even, but then health problems arose and I physically couldn't work out anymore, lost a tremendous amount of Sisyphean effort in a short time, and now I'm back to being as fat as ever but with more constant chronic pain every minute. I'd say that it's depressing, but I don't seem to care about anything anymore.
For what it's worth I genuinely don't care that much about the appearance of a girl, it all depends on the person and how we interact. Don't mind a lot of personality flaws either, I'm far from even average myself. So people that aren't influenced that much by physical appearance definitely exist, it's just hard to find us. Maybe you will. But maybe you won't.

I relate so much to this. I've lost 100lbs twice in my life and gained it back twice. The first time I was like 18/19, I just crash dieted extremely hard, lost a ton of weight. But gained it back.. then I lost it again when I was like 27 or so.. I dieted hard again, I also ran 4 half-marathons and 2 full marathons. Then I got a running injury that sidelined me, and my binge eating came back.. everything backslid. I gained all the weight back.

Because I've struggled with weight my whole life I tend to look inside others and appreciate them for their personality, their intelligence and their inner beauty.. because I know what it's like to be judged and dismissed just for your appearance. But so much of the world does exactly that, everyone is so cruel..

I love bigger men, personally. I prefer them actually. I would love for a fat man to fall for me and for me to fall for him.. but alas.. it feels impossible..

Without a question there are guys out there looking to be loved just like you are looking. However you will not find them in a bar or in your home. Try church, community programs and similar.

I'm not sure where I said I was looking for them in a bar? I don't go to bars.. I don't even drink. I'm also not religious so I have 0 interest in going to a church group.

The implication from some comments that I'm looking for a guy in a bar, or I'm looking for a "hot" guy or a rich guy are really hurtful to me.. the condescension is hurtful.

I don't give a fuck about what a guy looks like, I prefer big men but in the past I've dated all kinds. I've been single for like 8-10 years now or something though.. I've never dated rich and idgaf about $$. I just want an honest connection with somebody with the same values as me, same intelligence level so we can hold a conversation, chemistry, etc. These are the things that are important to me and anyone insinuating otherwise is projecting and doesn't know me.

I do sometimes go to singles event run by a local singles organization near me.. I just haven't had luck yet.

It's frustrating to get the same "advice" repeated over and over about how to meet someone. "Go here" "no go here" "stop going here" "go to bars" "don't go to bars" "try the apps" blah blah.. honestly it's a little condescending and even more discouraging. The idea that you just randomly meet your soulmate somewhere by running into them isn't realistic. And if you've been on dating apps lately you know they're just full of people looking for casual sex.

Women have changed more than men, from what I can tell.

Sure, some men are opening up more and being more vulnerable, but I don't know how much that is moving the needle.

Women, though... seem to still be using their old criteria like money and status but that has shifted since many women now have their own money and status so they "must" seek men with even more money/status than they would have in the past. Meanwhile, women seem to have also adopted more make criteria. In the past women cared less about a man's looks... but now they seem to care more. It was always shallow when men chose only on looks, and now women do the same thing... and that's hard to overcome suddenly without leaving a lot of men behind.

I get women being oppressed and held back for generations, in the US and in most of the world... I get there is some bounce-back when they get more freedom and not only want to exercise that but want to push the boundaries. Like, the famous interview with Justice Ginsberg who, when asked how many women she thought should be on the Supreme Court, she said nine. She continued that nobody thought it was weird to have all men, so why not have all women? And I get her sentiment... and IF all the best people at the time for the positions were women, I have ZERO problem with it. But... we had generations of putting unqualified or bad men in positions just because they were men even if there was a better female candidate... I would hate to see us swing the pendulum the other way and put an unqualified woman in place just to "stick it to the man." I hoped the quest for equality would be just that... equality. Lift women up and knock men down a peg. But there are a lot of people who seem to just want to turn things upside down as if that's any better.

Just like a LOT of good women have been historically overlooked and oppressed... I fear we could be headed towards a period of time where good men are overlooked and oppressed just to "make up" for things. I'm all for women having equal rights and equal power and being/doing anything they want in this world. I just wish that so many wouldn't be trying to turn the tables and be like the bad men of old. Also, this tends to make those men who still want to fuck over women even more determined to do so... because they are scared, and so the bad men are going to be worse men now, trying to "break" that "uppity" woman.

In a "perfect" world, we would still like people who don't like us... and it would still be difficult to make connections. But our society tends to make "difficult" into "nearly impossible" and "attainable" into "difficult" and everything is just a whole lot harder and more painful and discouraging than it really should be for us to find people and make connections.

Think when you are an innocent child, not yet scarred and corrupted by society... you could just walk up to another kid you see randomly and say "wanna play with me" or "wanna be friends" and they would. If you had fun you wanted to do it again, if you didn't then you were okay and asked someone else the next day. But ten years of being in the world after that, and exposure and understanding of how society seems to work... and young kids begin to form cliques and decide which kids are "better" than others and which kids "need" to be picked on and excluded... It starts when we are young, because we see how adults treat each other... and we mimic... and we see which adults seem to be in charge, and we mimic them more... and it goes on and on and on.

This is not happening.. can you provide any data about how women are "sticking it" to the man? Can you provide any overwhelming statistics that prove women are, across industries, getting more jobs than men? Can you provide any data that proves women are equal or outnumber men in high level political or corporate positions?

Can you prove how women are choosing their partners? You can't because there are too many factors there to prove anything about how women are choosing who to date or marry. Same with men.

Globally women and girls are not yet equal to men at all. Women and girls are still murdered in huge numbers by their husbands, fathers or boyfriends. Women and girls are still barred from education and the workforce in many areas of the world. Women are still experiencing domestic violence and sexual assault in overwhelming numbers. Girls are trafficked, become sex slaves or sold into sex slavery at young ages, or become child brides in many areas of the world, and it's perfectly legal or no one does anything about it.

I don't know how anyone can look at the state of girls and women globally and claim that we're anywhere near "equal" to men in status or power. Even in established first world countries men are the top earners and holding the positions of power in most countries.

I'm frustrated and hurt that this thread has turned into this topic.. i literally said i want to kill myself because im lonely.. and now its becoming.. whatever the fuck this is.. fuck me im even more depressed now..

 

[eeeeeedeeeeeden]

I relate so much to this. I've lost 100lbs twice in my life and gained it back twice. The first time I was like 18/19, I just crash dieted extremely hard, lost a ton of weight. But gained it back.. then I lost it again when I was like 27 or so.. I dieted hard again, I also ran 4 half-marathons and 2 full marathons. Then I got a running injury that sidelined me, and my binge eating came back.. everything backslid. I gained all the weight back.

Because I've struggled with weight my whole life I tend to look inside others and appreciate them for their personality, their intelligence and their inner beauty.. because I know what it's like to be judged and dismissed just for your appearance. But so much of the world does exactly that, everyone is so cruel..

I love bigger men, personally. I prefer them actually. I would love for a fat man to fall for me and for me to fall for him.. but alas.. it feels impossible..

I'm not sure where I said I was looking for them in a bar? I don't go to bars.. I don't even drink. I'm also not religious so I have 0 interest in going to a church group.

The implication from some comments that I'm looking for a guy in a bar, or I'm looking for a "hot" guy or a rich guy are really hurtful to me.. the condescension is hurtful.

I don't give a fuck about what a guy looks like, I prefer big men but in the past I've dated all kinds. I've been single for like 8-10 years now or something though.. I've never dated rich and idgaf about $$. I just want an honest connection with somebody with the same values as me, same intelligence level so we can hold a conversation, chemistry, etc. These are the things that are important to me and anyone insinuating otherwise is projecting and doesn't know me.

I do sometimes go to singles event run by a local singles organization near me.. I just haven't had luck yet.

It's frustrating to get the same "advice" repeated over and over about how to meet someone. "Go here" "no go here" "stop going here" "go to bars" "don't go to bars" "try the apps" blah blah.. honestly it's a little condescending and even more discouraging. The idea that you just randomly meet your soulmate somewhere by running into them isn't realistic. And if you've been on dating apps lately you know they're just full of people looking for casual sex.

This is not happening.. can you provide any data about how women are "sticking it" to the man? Can you provide any overwhelming statistics that prove women are, across industries, getting more jobs than men? Can you provide any data that proves women are equal or outnumber men in high level political or corporate positions?

Can you prove how women are choosing their partners? You can't because there are too many factors there to prove anything about how women are choosing who to date or marry. Same with men.

Globally women and girls are not yet equal to men at all. Women and girls are still murdered in huge numbers by their husbands, fathers or boyfriends. Women and girls are still barred from education and the workforce in many areas of the world. Women are still experiencing domestic violence and sexual assault in overwhelming numbers. Girls are trafficked, become sex slaves or sold into sex slavery at young ages, or become child brides in many areas of the world, and it's perfectly legal or no one does anything about it.

I don't know how anyone can look at the state of girls and women globally and claim that we're anywhere near "equal" to men in status or power. Even in established first world countries men are the top earners and holding the positions of power in most countries.

I'm frustrated and hurt that this thread has turned into this topic.. i literally said i want to kill myself because im lonely.. and now its becoming.. whatever the fuck this is.. fuck me im even more depressed now..

Oh sweet girl, I'm sorry life has treated you like sour milk! And I'm sorry that folks here have turned this into a rather strange discussion instead of listening to your struggles and loneliness. I have also struggled with binge eating and also AN ontop so I have lost alot and gained alot in the last 6-7 years of my life, I feel your pain of feeling unlovable, of being lonely, of feeling completely trampled on by every shallow human simply because of your appearance. You are lovable, you are clearly a well spoken woman with a fire in her belly despite the great suffering you've been going through and that's a quick observation on my part! You can and will find that connection you feel you're never going to reach, there are men out there who genuinely do love and appreciate us fat and ugly girls! I won't give you any pointless details you've been fed over and over about "you just have to wait it'll find you" or "you need to do XYZ" I simply want you to know you are heard, I see your pain and you are not unlovable despite what life's spat back at you. You are wanted even if it feels like everyone's shunning you for the horrendous "crime" of not being in the tiniest pool of society standard.

 

[Dejected 55]

This is not happening.. can you provide any data about how women are "sticking it" to the man? Can you provide any overwhelming statistics that prove women are, across industries, getting more jobs than men? Can you provide any data that proves women are equal or outnumber men in high level political or corporate positions?

Can you prove how women are choosing their partners? You can't because there are too many factors there to prove anything about how women are choosing who to date or marry. Same with men.

Globally women and girls are not yet equal to men at all. Women and girls are still murdered in huge numbers by their husbands, fathers or boyfriends. Women and girls are still barred from education and the workforce in many areas of the world. Women are still experiencing domestic violence and sexual assault in overwhelming numbers. Girls are trafficked, become sex slaves or sold into sex slavery at young ages, or become child brides in many areas of the world, and it's perfectly legal or no one does anything about it.

I don't know how anyone can look at the state of girls and women globally and claim that we're anywhere near "equal" to men in status or power. Even in established first world countries men are the top earners and holding the positions of power in most countries.

I'm frustrated and hurt that this thread has turned into this topic.. i literally said i want to kill myself because im lonely.. and now its becoming.. whatever the fuck this is.. fuck me im even more depressed now..

I'm sorry you're more depressed. You twisted what I said, though. I never said all woman are "sticking it" to all men. I never said women are "getting more jobs" or that we are at a state of equality. First off, I can only really refer to things in the USA because that's where I live and I've never been outside the country. Secondly, women still have a LONG way to go to be truly equal.

All I said is... there is evidence to support that as women gain more freedom and status in our society, they seem to be making choices in the same way that men do. You can't deny that women in positions of power aren't still seeking to be with men in positions of power or above them, can you? Men have oppressed women for generations, so men are still seeking women "beneath" them so their decision-making hasn't changed... but women who have more status and wealth that they have worked for and earned are still looking for men above them in the food chain. Women are showing the same tendencies as men in that they are raising their standards as they better themselves, instead of dating the same kind of men they would have dated a generation ago.

My point was that as society seems to be tilting towards equality (not that we have achieved it, but we are heading there slowly...) equality is not happening in the way we would think it would. Men don't care if women have power and wealth, they are still seeking physical beauty and things they did before, placing little to no value on what actually makes that woman who she is... meanwhile, Women don't care how "good" a man is, they just care if he has money and status... and as women's status and wealth improves they become pickier than they were before, since the pool of available men "above" them in status is going to shrink. Men are still going after women for the same reasons they always did... but women are changing by ignoring more and more men.

I don't know what is happening in the rest of the world. I just know what I see around me here.

Men are losing "control" here in the US, slowly but surely. Hard to feel bad for us men for that happening, with how men have abused their position of power for generations. I just hoped women would make better, kinder choices and bring us to that place of equality. I think what is more likely to happen is that we slowly tilt towards a matriarchy as has happened in some countries in the past. I don't think we're going to settle on equality because I don't think humanity is designed that way.