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Mi Mi

No One Special
Mar 18, 2024
308
I woke up this morning feeling like I was ran over by a truck.

God I wish I had been.

Since mothers day I just keep thinking In my head what are you waiting for.

See on mothers day I called my mom and gave a dry litte happy mother's day.

She said I sounded depressed.

I thought to myself duh you dumb bitch.
I failed at killing myself.
I used all my money to stay afloat on bills instead of having fun.
I'm working at a job I hate with weird incompetent people.
All day I think about killing myself.
Why wouldn't I be depressed.

I then went to work and as the evening went on I was yelled at and disrespected by 2 guest.
I didn't yell back but i definitely talk back.
I thought that would get me fired but I didn't hear anything.
Of course that reminded me why I can't wait to die. Interactions with these humans who have no home training...rude and logical is appalling for me.

So today I get up...I'm driving in like a zombie...repeating over and over in my head god please let me die soon.

I don't have a specific date.

I just know either June or July.

As I drove I looked and I saw a rainbow.

I took a picture and immediately wished to go home and to die.

I get to work and the schedule was messed up so I left. They don't seem to want 2 people at the desk.

I noticed I was scheduled to work Friday coming but I could of swore I was off.

So now I'm pissed because did they change it and not tell me or did I miss read. But I really didn't care because why would my off days be apart instead of back to back.

So I texted the manager I'm leaving because they schedule the day guy for evening but he came in this morning and I won't be in Friday.

They completely glossed over today and were on me for not coming Friday.
There were a few text exchanges as if them repeating I'm supposed to work Friday would make me come.

I kept it simple by saying I'm not able to come Friday. 2 day notice is enough time. Would you like me to call Thursday morning to call off instead.

So far no answer.

So they will either fire me
Or work me till they find someone else.

Ever since I started at this hotel I get the feeling they try to play me and make me do things that they and others won't do.

But with my depression and being a old cranky woman that's out of the question.

I guess they figure I don't see the inconsistencies and horrible communication there.
They think I'm the dumb new girl.

On my drive back home I wished I wasn't so scared of guns because I often dream about just putting one to my head and boom...it's over.

I tried to cut myself to get enough blood to test my SN but I couldn't do it.

My cuts were very surface level and I didn't bleed enough.

I just felt stupid and like a failure again.

Now here I am...somewhat scared to loose a job I don't even want.

Scared to take my life...I life I don't even want.

I'm just stuck and zoned out.

All I want is to be done. If I knew I wouldn't fail...being sick or in pain for a moment doesn't bother me.

It's the possibility of failure.

I can't go through that again.

The anger and crying I did during that time was so intense it's indescribable and I just can't do that again.

I'm in my car writing this because I know as soon as I walk in my apartment to get comfortable some bullshit from that stupid job will come my way.

And I'm ok with losing the job...it would just be easier if I knew my sn was pure.

I'd probably just enjoy my last few days and go for it.

I do have testing strips so maybe this afternoon I'll try my best to test it that way.

I hate being dumb. It adds too much fear when in reality I'm not scared to die.

I'm scared to get caught failing again.

Especially when I can sense that my mom senses it.

I can tell she feels it but scared to do or say anything.

I'm so alone and scared and stuck when all I want is to go.

I hope I'm just anxious and wrong.

I've come so far and feel so close.

I wanna be next.
 
Last edited:
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I

iloverachel

Enlightened
Mar 7, 2024
1,200
Sounds very dreadful and awful what you are going through
Sending best wishes and i hope you find the peace you deserve
 
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M

Mi Mi

No One Special
Mar 18, 2024
308
Sounds very dreadful and awful what you are going through
Sending best wishes and i hope you find the peace you deserve
Thankyou
I do too
Wishing you the best as well 💛
 
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stuck_here

stuck_here

Member
May 12, 2024
26
Work culture is pretty toxic tbh, its like a race who can show off more, there is no such thing as value for a person, we are treated as slaves, you can be easily replaced.Saying that, gotta pay the bills, there is no running away, is there, this is how the world works.
Either way, wishing you the best in whatever you chose.
 
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R

rozeske

Maybe I am the problem
Dec 2, 2023
3,264
I'm sorry you feel this way, unfortunately i know that pain all too well. It gets a thousand fold harder when you've attempted and failed. What i fear more than failing for the second time I think is that awful feeling of dread like I was trapped here with no way out. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone and would give anything not to experience that feeling again. I guess that is what makes it much harder to try again. I wish you luck with everything. I hope the job thing got resolved for you in a good way and I hope the test goes well for you. It could atleast give you that feeling of confidence and being in control.
 
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M

Mi Mi

No One Special
Mar 18, 2024
308
I'm sorry you feel this way, unfortunately i know that pain all too well. It gets a thousand fold harder when you've attempted and failed. What i fear more than failing for the second time I think is that awful feeling of dread like I was trapped here with no way out. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone and would give anything not to experience that feeling again. I guess that is what makes it much harder to try again. I wish you luck with everything. I hope the job thing got resolved for you in a good way and I hope the test goes well for you. It could atleast give you that feeling of confidence and being in control.
I wish it wasn't so difficult to me
I did horrible in science 😂

But I have 2 bags and 1 I opened
So I'll practice with the 1 I opened

As far as work goes I'll probably go
Getting fired doesn't bother me but not keeping my obligations does
I hate that about me
I really appreciate you always being a ear for me
I wish you were here
I feel like you would help me
 
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Sakura.

Sakura.

Chciałbym, żeby wszystko się już skończyło.
May 1, 2024
51
I'm so sorry...
 
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M

Mi Mi

No One Special
Mar 18, 2024
308
I'm so sorry...
Awww
Don't be
It's not your fault and that's sweet of you
Just put out good vibes that I finally get off this earth 💛
 
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Egroeg91

Member
Apr 25, 2024
14
Sorry to hear that :( Sometimes I wish this world would not be so toxic and we could live in peace
 
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R

rozeske

Maybe I am the problem
Dec 2, 2023
3,264
I wish it wasn't so difficult to me
I did horrible in science 😂

But I have 2 bags and 1 I opened
So I'll practice with the 1 I opened

As far as work goes I'll probably go
Getting fired doesn't bother me but not keeping my obligations does
I hate that about me
I really appreciate you always being a ear for me
I wish you were here
I feel like you would help me
Oh I wish i was there too luv but maybe more for my own selfish reasons 😅. My dm is always open. Though I haven't done the test and was so bad in chem. it doesn't seem much complicated. Don't let it bother you too much and i know you have so much strength in you. Good luck anyways ❤️
 
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steppenwolf

steppenwolf

Not a student
Oct 25, 2023
135
Work will blight your existence
 
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