I woke up this morning feeling like I was ran over by a truck.
God I wish I had been.
Since mothers day I just keep thinking In my head what are you waiting for.
See on mothers day I called my mom and gave a dry litte happy mother's day.
She said I sounded depressed.
I thought to myself duh you dumb bitch.
I failed at killing myself.
I used all my money to stay afloat on bills instead of having fun.
I'm working at a job I hate with weird incompetent people.
All day I think about killing myself.
Why wouldn't I be depressed.
I then went to work and as the evening went on I was yelled at and disrespected by 2 guest.
I didn't yell back but i definitely talk back.
I thought that would get me fired but I didn't hear anything.
Of course that reminded me why I can't wait to die. Interactions with these humans who have no home training...rude and logical is appalling for me.
So today I get up...I'm driving in like a zombie...repeating over and over in my head god please let me die soon.
I don't have a specific date.
I just know either June or July.
As I drove I looked and I saw a rainbow.
I took a picture and immediately wished to go home and to die.
I get to work and the schedule was messed up so I left. They don't seem to want 2 people at the desk.
I noticed I was scheduled to work Friday coming but I could of swore I was off.
So now I'm pissed because did they change it and not tell me or did I miss read. But I really didn't care because why would my off days be apart instead of back to back.
So I texted the manager I'm leaving because they schedule the day guy for evening but he came in this morning and I won't be in Friday.
They completely glossed over today and were on me for not coming Friday.
There were a few text exchanges as if them repeating I'm supposed to work Friday would make me come.
I kept it simple by saying I'm not able to come Friday. 2 day notice is enough time. Would you like me to call Thursday morning to call off instead.
So far no answer.
So they will either fire me
Or work me till they find someone else.
Ever since I started at this hotel I get the feeling they try to play me and make me do things that they and others won't do.
But with my depression and being a old cranky woman that's out of the question.
I guess they figure I don't see the inconsistencies and horrible communication there.
They think I'm the dumb new girl.
On my drive back home I wished I wasn't so scared of guns because I often dream about just putting one to my head and boom...it's over.
I tried to cut myself to get enough blood to test my SN but I couldn't do it.
My cuts were very surface level and I didn't bleed enough.
I just felt stupid and like a failure again.
Now here I am...somewhat scared to loose a job I don't even want.
Scared to take my life...I life I don't even want.
I'm just stuck and zoned out.
All I want is to be done. If I knew I wouldn't fail...being sick or in pain for a moment doesn't bother me.
It's the possibility of failure.
I can't go through that again.
The anger and crying I did during that time was so intense it's indescribable and I just can't do that again.
I'm in my car writing this because I know as soon as I walk in my apartment to get comfortable some bullshit from that stupid job will come my way.
And I'm ok with losing the job...it would just be easier if I knew my sn was pure.
I'd probably just enjoy my last few days and go for it.
I do have testing strips so maybe this afternoon I'll try my best to test it that way.
I hate being dumb. It adds too much fear when in reality I'm not scared to die.
I'm scared to get caught failing again.
Especially when I can sense that my mom senses it.
I can tell she feels it but scared to do or say anything.
I'm so alone and scared and stuck when all I want is to go.
I hope I'm just anxious and wrong.
I've come so far and feel so close.
I wanna be next.
God I wish I had been.
Since mothers day I just keep thinking In my head what are you waiting for.
See on mothers day I called my mom and gave a dry litte happy mother's day.
She said I sounded depressed.
I thought to myself duh you dumb bitch.
I failed at killing myself.
I used all my money to stay afloat on bills instead of having fun.
I'm working at a job I hate with weird incompetent people.
All day I think about killing myself.
Why wouldn't I be depressed.
I then went to work and as the evening went on I was yelled at and disrespected by 2 guest.
I didn't yell back but i definitely talk back.
I thought that would get me fired but I didn't hear anything.
Of course that reminded me why I can't wait to die. Interactions with these humans who have no home training...rude and logical is appalling for me.
So today I get up...I'm driving in like a zombie...repeating over and over in my head god please let me die soon.
I don't have a specific date.
I just know either June or July.
As I drove I looked and I saw a rainbow.
I took a picture and immediately wished to go home and to die.
I get to work and the schedule was messed up so I left. They don't seem to want 2 people at the desk.
I noticed I was scheduled to work Friday coming but I could of swore I was off.
So now I'm pissed because did they change it and not tell me or did I miss read. But I really didn't care because why would my off days be apart instead of back to back.
So I texted the manager I'm leaving because they schedule the day guy for evening but he came in this morning and I won't be in Friday.
They completely glossed over today and were on me for not coming Friday.
There were a few text exchanges as if them repeating I'm supposed to work Friday would make me come.
I kept it simple by saying I'm not able to come Friday. 2 day notice is enough time. Would you like me to call Thursday morning to call off instead.
So far no answer.
So they will either fire me
Or work me till they find someone else.
Ever since I started at this hotel I get the feeling they try to play me and make me do things that they and others won't do.
But with my depression and being a old cranky woman that's out of the question.
I guess they figure I don't see the inconsistencies and horrible communication there.
They think I'm the dumb new girl.
On my drive back home I wished I wasn't so scared of guns because I often dream about just putting one to my head and boom...it's over.
I tried to cut myself to get enough blood to test my SN but I couldn't do it.
My cuts were very surface level and I didn't bleed enough.
I just felt stupid and like a failure again.
Now here I am...somewhat scared to loose a job I don't even want.
Scared to take my life...I life I don't even want.
I'm just stuck and zoned out.
All I want is to be done. If I knew I wouldn't fail...being sick or in pain for a moment doesn't bother me.
It's the possibility of failure.
I can't go through that again.
The anger and crying I did during that time was so intense it's indescribable and I just can't do that again.
I'm in my car writing this because I know as soon as I walk in my apartment to get comfortable some bullshit from that stupid job will come my way.
And I'm ok with losing the job...it would just be easier if I knew my sn was pure.
I'd probably just enjoy my last few days and go for it.
I do have testing strips so maybe this afternoon I'll try my best to test it that way.
I hate being dumb. It adds too much fear when in reality I'm not scared to die.
I'm scared to get caught failing again.
Especially when I can sense that my mom senses it.
I can tell she feels it but scared to do or say anything.
I'm so alone and scared and stuck when all I want is to go.
I hope I'm just anxious and wrong.
I've come so far and feel so close.
I wanna be next.
Last edited:
. My dm is always open. Though I haven't done the test and was so bad in chem. it doesn't seem much complicated. Don't let it bother you too much and i know you have so much strength in you. Good luck anyways 
