HaveYouEverThought
New Member
- Mar 13, 2024
- 4
I'm not sure if I'm going to CTB in a few hours or if I'm going to wait and see. I honestly have solace and peace in my mind knowing what I'm about to do. My method is probably not the best but being Deployed overseas it's all I have. So I'm chosing Hanging as a method. I've got my bed set up. We have bunk style beds here and I have 50/50 cord strung up and ready aswell as my PT belt for some comfort around my neck. Unsure if it'll really help at all. But the thought of this, the thought of death is dull, I'm not worried to CTB. I used to have that fear but it all of the sudden just vanished.
Why?
Why am I wanting to CTB. I guess I should say why before I just post and ruin anyone's day.
I've been married for 2 years, together with this person for 5. Before anyone may say anything. This issue, is just a big portion. There's prior mental health issues and what I'm gonna say has driven me off a ledge.
5 years ago, I met my soon to be wife. I didn't know that at the time. Now this girl was super cute, super attractive. I definitely had zero idea how I could pull that. We hit things off. I kinda realized she seemed super clingy. But it wasn't a big deal at first. It was cute. It was nice feeling wanted and needed for once. We would go out all the time...Go get Boba Tea, go to the beach. Drive around a cruise late night. We were hardly at the house. Feeling like I could enjoy my partner for the first time, was crazy... This lasted our entirety. Im so thankful for that because theres so many amazing memories ive got to make with her... i never got these opportunities in the past... I was so happy during this time. I never wanted these moments to end.
We eventually had our arguments. This was when I learned she wasn't completely perfect and may not have mentioned some things to me. She had mental health issues that in the beginning I struggled immensely to keep together. I normally would shut down because it would be a blame thing, or just be specifically only me and completely aggressive behavior... but I stuck by her side... through it all. Continued to do the things we loved doing. Did small surprises...we were atleast now communicating semi better and I was learning how she was. I finally got her to therapy. That was insane progress... difficult too.. but I would go to each of her therapy sessions. So I could understand her better, make sense of issues that would happen and try and understand what was triggering them. I thought I was doing good.
2 years ago I joined the Army. We discussed this. We ultimately decided to have our marriage sooner than planned as we had actually been engaged by this point and had picked a wedding date of August the following year... Even though we discussed this huge change that was about to occur.
I'm guessing that it just wasn't about to work... we started having more arguments... over the simplistic things. We started to falter what we created. Our communication skills were great but they weren't good. I'm definitely to blame, because I got real deep in my emotions when she probably wasn't speaking that deeply. Too add a note. By this point in our life. For 3 years, we maybe have been around eachother a total of 3 months... like 3 full months of time spent together. We never had our honeymoon. We haven't celebrated our birthdays together since our birthdays are a week apart... we've done honestly nothing but prep and move twice... and then I was deployed. I technically wasn't supposed to be deployed.. I needed a waiver... I should have just left that alone and said I'm not deploying... but anyways... a month into this deployment things started to fall apart... slowly... but you could tell. She slowly started to stop talking to me. Around February 18th is when it really just stopped entirely. Communication was terrible...emotions...through the roof. We both were hurting and both want the same thing but we cannot have that during this time... so her way I guess of coping while I was trying to fix it. Was to separate herself entirely... even when she did this I kept trying and tried making understandings of things... trying to solve and have solutions... I think I caused this all... I hate my being and selfishness so much... it's been 5 days since I last ate any food. About 3 days since I had water... I have cotton mouth pretty bad and I'm honestly very exhausted these past few days...
This happened when she brought up separation and divorce... I feel like that's so fucking unfair. I'm hurting just as much as her and I'm trying to hold myself together and fix things and I'm trying everything I can to be there for her and help her while trying to help myself... I had to speak to a therapist today. Tried doing some solo marriage counseling... I feel the same. I feel numb. My emotions are way to much. I'm mentally drained and exhausted... I feel so selfish for thinking this will help me. But I also have a sense of freedom if I pull through with it. There's more to my mental health, but this is something that pushed me over the top and I'm just broken. How can you put so much effort into something. Pour your entire being and soul into it... for the other person to just quickly give up because of whatever they are feeling... it doesn't fit to me... doesn't make sense... and hurts soo fucking much more when I sit there and just think of every little possibility... she seems to have checked out and doesn't respond to me anymore. I've done nothing negative. I've not said anything negative. Am I selfish?...
I have a roommate in my barracks room here on my deployment. How much noise would I make during the night by CTB this way? Think he'd notice? I just don't want him to stop anything. Since I spoke to a therapist they already know what's going on BTW... so there's that too.
Why?
Why am I wanting to CTB. I guess I should say why before I just post and ruin anyone's day.
I've been married for 2 years, together with this person for 5. Before anyone may say anything. This issue, is just a big portion. There's prior mental health issues and what I'm gonna say has driven me off a ledge.
5 years ago, I met my soon to be wife. I didn't know that at the time. Now this girl was super cute, super attractive. I definitely had zero idea how I could pull that. We hit things off. I kinda realized she seemed super clingy. But it wasn't a big deal at first. It was cute. It was nice feeling wanted and needed for once. We would go out all the time...Go get Boba Tea, go to the beach. Drive around a cruise late night. We were hardly at the house. Feeling like I could enjoy my partner for the first time, was crazy... This lasted our entirety. Im so thankful for that because theres so many amazing memories ive got to make with her... i never got these opportunities in the past... I was so happy during this time. I never wanted these moments to end.
We eventually had our arguments. This was when I learned she wasn't completely perfect and may not have mentioned some things to me. She had mental health issues that in the beginning I struggled immensely to keep together. I normally would shut down because it would be a blame thing, or just be specifically only me and completely aggressive behavior... but I stuck by her side... through it all. Continued to do the things we loved doing. Did small surprises...we were atleast now communicating semi better and I was learning how she was. I finally got her to therapy. That was insane progress... difficult too.. but I would go to each of her therapy sessions. So I could understand her better, make sense of issues that would happen and try and understand what was triggering them. I thought I was doing good.
2 years ago I joined the Army. We discussed this. We ultimately decided to have our marriage sooner than planned as we had actually been engaged by this point and had picked a wedding date of August the following year... Even though we discussed this huge change that was about to occur.
I'm guessing that it just wasn't about to work... we started having more arguments... over the simplistic things. We started to falter what we created. Our communication skills were great but they weren't good. I'm definitely to blame, because I got real deep in my emotions when she probably wasn't speaking that deeply. Too add a note. By this point in our life. For 3 years, we maybe have been around eachother a total of 3 months... like 3 full months of time spent together. We never had our honeymoon. We haven't celebrated our birthdays together since our birthdays are a week apart... we've done honestly nothing but prep and move twice... and then I was deployed. I technically wasn't supposed to be deployed.. I needed a waiver... I should have just left that alone and said I'm not deploying... but anyways... a month into this deployment things started to fall apart... slowly... but you could tell. She slowly started to stop talking to me. Around February 18th is when it really just stopped entirely. Communication was terrible...emotions...through the roof. We both were hurting and both want the same thing but we cannot have that during this time... so her way I guess of coping while I was trying to fix it. Was to separate herself entirely... even when she did this I kept trying and tried making understandings of things... trying to solve and have solutions... I think I caused this all... I hate my being and selfishness so much... it's been 5 days since I last ate any food. About 3 days since I had water... I have cotton mouth pretty bad and I'm honestly very exhausted these past few days...
This happened when she brought up separation and divorce... I feel like that's so fucking unfair. I'm hurting just as much as her and I'm trying to hold myself together and fix things and I'm trying everything I can to be there for her and help her while trying to help myself... I had to speak to a therapist today. Tried doing some solo marriage counseling... I feel the same. I feel numb. My emotions are way to much. I'm mentally drained and exhausted... I feel so selfish for thinking this will help me. But I also have a sense of freedom if I pull through with it. There's more to my mental health, but this is something that pushed me over the top and I'm just broken. How can you put so much effort into something. Pour your entire being and soul into it... for the other person to just quickly give up because of whatever they are feeling... it doesn't fit to me... doesn't make sense... and hurts soo fucking much more when I sit there and just think of every little possibility... she seems to have checked out and doesn't respond to me anymore. I've done nothing negative. I've not said anything negative. Am I selfish?...
I have a roommate in my barracks room here on my deployment. How much noise would I make during the night by CTB this way? Think he'd notice? I just don't want him to stop anything. Since I spoke to a therapist they already know what's going on BTW... so there's that too.
