Venting i think i'm at the worst point i've ever been in

[halleyscomet]

I have never been so severely depressed in my life. I mean I've had depression since I was very young, but it's never gotten this bad.

I am so constantly fatigued, even watching Netflix or something has become extremely difficult. My health is going to shit because I barely clean myself or eat, I've become brittle and pale. I have no friends because of my ex driving them all away when we were together, and I'm too ashamed to get back in touch with them. I've resorted to self harm which I haven't done in years, it doesn't even help - I think I just do it to feel a sense of validity in my illness.

Whenever something good happens I get panic attacks because the feeling of happiness feels so foreign to me, that it feels like a threat. I find it hard to talk anymore because I'm an autistic idiot and I'm a really bad liar, so when people ask me how I'm doing I say well I want to die and they just leave.

Multiple people in my life have stated they'd rather see me dead then in the state I'm in. I can't disagree with them, I think I'm wasting people's time and they would be better off if I'm not around.

I'm just so deeply unhappy, I wish someone could just kill me so I don't have to go through the effort to ctb by my own hands.

I just keep on crying constantly, I keep praying and praying something will change and it doesn't.

I am so envious of those that have, or are certain to ctb - you are much braver than I am.

 

[theboy]

i'm sorry you're going through this. life is unfair many times. i hope you find peace. pm if you want.