Venting I think I'm actually losing my mind

[bluedream]

Despite being psychotic and emotionally unstable, I feel like I've always maintained enough self awareness to not be considered completely insane. I've always made bad choices and done damaging things to myself, but I understood what drove me to do those things. Recently I've lost that understanding, and I can't fully explain the things I've done lately. I cut all my IRL friends off, told them I would never speak to them again, my now ex best friend was so upset and asked my why I'm doing this, and I didn't know what to tell her. I had a mod ban me from chat, and I don't know why I did that either. I've been self harming more and having constant thoughts about self harming in ways that would cause permanent/disfiguring damage, like cutting my face or cutting off fingers. It doesn't even feel like these urges are my own thoughts, they feel foreign to me.

I really think I'm losing it.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

That is very very scary. Is there any way you can access therapy to help bring back your awareness?

 

[bluedream]

That is very very scary. Is there any way you can access therapy to help bring back your awareness?

I've been trying to get one, but none in my medical group have any availability, and the therapist they outsourced me to wasn't helpful because she had no understanding of my issues, talking to her made me more frustrated and alone feeling.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are going through this, it sounds really awful and terrifying. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[its-about-time]

I go through psychosis as well. I feel your pain. It's hard when you realize you're doing things unwittingly. It can be even harder to look back on those things when you're well. I've done a lot of things during more acute periods that haunt me. Thankfully I'm the only one who ever got hurt. Fate must've been involved, because there were plenty of opportunities for others to be harmed as well. I remember strange urges to set my face/head on fire that I could never quite explain, it's like total facial disfigurement was the goal or something.

If you're looking to get back on track, I'd suggest a stop by an emergency or crisis facility. It doesn't necessarily have to be the emergency room and getting sent to the ward, though that's not always a terrible thing. Everybody has different experiences there. Some of my stays have really benefitted me and gotten me back on track. Others have been scarring. The difference is whether I wanted the help or not. If you go there wanting the help, you might find it quite beneficial. For medication, you might be able to stop by an urgent care (whatever it's called where you live) and obtain a short-term prescription of meds you know to work for you. Those could hold you over until you get in to your doc, but they may be unwilling to do this. If you're established with a doc who prescribes psych meds already, give them a call or send a message asking for whatever it is you need. If you press that this is urgent, they may fit you in much earlier or advise you to take more of an existing prescription.

Psychosis sucks and has many forms that pair swimmingly with emotional instability. Try to relax and observe your thoughts instead of indulging them with details.

 

[cowmeow]

That is very very scary. Is there any way you can access therapy to help bring back your awareness?

unrelated but can i ask where your pic is from?