I think im a narcissist

[gonegirl1]

I've been depressed most of my life. I only feel better when I'm receiving attention or in a relationship that distracts me from my misery. I also noticed I always try to manipulate people and end up fucking every relationship because of my behaviors.

I've always heard my mother say shit that made me feel more special than everyone like "when u were born the nurse said she would see you on television when she was older". Idk. I just feel I'm so narcissistic and always got things in life without effort just by using charm or faking to be interesting. I feel I have so much potential but am always too busy thinking I'm superior to others to act on it. Also depression always made me give up after trying the slightest bit, like it isn't even worth doing something, or I will make an effort just to receive attention afterwards for it.
I don't feel I'm capable of loving other beings (truly loving, not faking love) and that just makes me feel so alone and hating myself more and more, even if I have relationships with people, friends etc i just feel so fake and incapable of making true connections.

So this last year I isolated myself from everyone and everything, even quitted studying. I just realized I'm shit and am not likely to change. I tried therapy, antidepressants it never worked. Every slight hope in feeling better seems like another illusion.

Am I just being too hard on myself or may I actually be a horrible person? At least I realize it, but it just makes me feel more hopeless and suicidal.

Does anyone feel something close to this?

 

[Suicidal Ideation]

I've been depressed most of my life. I only feel better when I'm receiving attention or in a relationship that distracts me from my misery. I also noticed I always try to manipulate people and end up fucking every relationship because of my behaviors.

I've always heard my mother say shit that made me feel more special than everyone like "when u were born the nurse said she would see you on television when she was older". Idk. I just feel I'm so narcissistic and always got things in life without effort just by using charm or faking to be interesting. I feel I have so much potential but am always too busy thinking I'm superior to others to act on it. Also depression always made me give up after trying the slightest bit, like it isn't even worth doing something, or I will make an effort just to receive attention afterwards for it.
I don't feel I'm capable of loving other beings (truly loving, not faking love) and that just makes me feel so alone and hating myself more and more, even if I have relationships with people, friends etc i just feel so fake and incapable of making true connections.

So this last year I isolated myself from everyone and everything, even quitted studying. I just realized I'm shit and am not likely to change. I tried therapy, antidepressants it never worked. Every slight hope in feeling better seems like another illusion.

Am I just being too hard on myself or may I actually be a horrible person? At least I realize it, but it just makes me feel more hopeless and suicidal.

Does anyone feel something close to this?

narcissists often don't realize they're narcissists

 

[KiraX]

narcissists often don't realize they're narcissists

Some are aware of what they are doing and how it's wrong. But choose not to change or have troubles controlling themselves.

 

[randal_bond]

The question is when you manipulate or hurt people, do you feel guilty or do you only feel shame if people could see through you and publically expose you? Basically, do you care more about your public image than how you behave behind closed doors?

 

[Suicidal Ideation]

Some are aware of what they are doing and how it's wrong. But choose not to change or have troubles controlling themselves.

yeah hence why i used the word 'often'. i agree with you but clearly this person wants to change

 

[gonegirl1]

The question is when you manipulate or hurt people, do you feel guilty or do you only feel shame if people could see through you and publically expose you? Basically, do you care more about your public image than how you behave behind closed doors?

I feel both. More about my image tho. Like I feel guilty but the self loathing always makes me forget about the other people's suffering.

 

[randal_bond]

yeah hence why i used the word 'often'. i agree with you but clearly this person wants to change

Where did you see that she wants to change? To me it looks like she came for some supply. Hey, gonegirl, do you REALLY want to change? Did you go into therapy because you cared about people you hurt or because you lose every single relationship (care about yourself)?

I feel both. More about my image tho. Like I feel guilty but the self loathing always makes me forget about the other people's suffering.

To be honest, it sounds more like borderline PD. But we're all arm-chair diagnostics here, so you will get more of the same )))

 

[peachchildtenshi]

I have a similar experience in terms of relationships, adding on that I am avoidant and an abusive narcissist who only does things for myself.If only I had realized it sooner my life could have turned around.

I only feel better when I'm receiving attention or in a relationship that distracts me from my misery. I also noticed I always try to manipulate people and end up fucking every relationship because of my behaviors.

I could relate with feeling better when im the one receiving attention and it would never be enough for me, it would just end up with me hurting the other person emotionally and physically without even knowing it aslong as I am the one feeling satisfied, its not that I feel bad, I just dont feel anything and only afterwards do I regret my actions.
I know it sounds bad, but sometimes my personality changes from being numb to extremely emotional.

I don't feel I'm capable of loving other beings (truly loving, not faking love) and that just makes me feel so alone and hating myself more and more, even if I have relationships with people, friends etc i just feel so fake and incapable of making true connections.

I dont really feel this but, I just feel that I dont deserve to make any new kind of relationships even though it is the only thing that im clinging on.
I have started distancing with more and more people just because It makes me feel better;
I dont really have any hope for myself and just going through life avoiding people because I ruined everything that I loved. and it will always stay that way
just waiting for death i guess, just what could I even do at this point anyway

 

[gonegirl1]

yeah hence why i used the word 'often'. i agree with you but clearly this person wants to ch

Where did you see that she wants to change? To me it looks like she came for some supply. Hey, gonegirl, do you REALLY want to change? Did you go into therapy because you cared about people you hurt or because you lose every single relationship (care about yourself)?

To be honest, it sounds more like borderline PD. But we're all arm-chair diagnostics here, so you will get more of the same )))

I'm not looking for supply. I just want to have an opinion about this, or hear about someone that was able to change so I will stay alive for a little more. I want to change but I am almost sure I can't. Otherwise I wouldn't want to ctb I would just continue to live and not be bothered…

I do relate to bpd symptoms tho. Idk

I have a similar experience in terms of relationships, adding on that I am avoidant and an abusive narcissist who only does things for myself.If only I had realized it sooner my life could have turned around.

I could relate with feeling better when im the one receiving attention and it would never be enough for me, it would just end up with me hurting the other person emotionally and physically without even knowing it aslong as I am the one feeling satisfied, its not that I feel bad, I just dont feel anything and only afterwards do I regret my actions.
I know it sounds bad, but sometimes my personality changes from being numb to extremely emotional.

I dont really feel this but, I just feel that I dont deserve to make any new kind of relationships even though it is the only thing that im clinging on.
I have started distancing with more and more people just because It makes me feel better;
I dont really have any hope for myself and just going through life avoiding people because I ruined everything that I loved. and it will always stay that way
just waiting for death i guess, just what could I even do at this point anyway

I feel every word you said lol. Nice to know there are people like me out there.
It looks so bad and it is bad, but it's not like it's a choice I didn't chose to be like this. I just am.

I agree with the part that even if I'm in a relationship it will never be enough, I always look for more people outside. Nothing and no one can make me happy, it's just a distraction.

 

[hi-okbye]

personally i don't think your a narcist. maybe you have other issues but i don't think thats it. cuz if you are then maybe i am too, but i'm pretty sure i'm not.

I only feel better when I'm receiving attention or in a relationship that distracts me from my misery. I also noticed I always try to manipulate people and end up fucking every relationship because of my behaviors.

it makes sense to want relationships that distract you from your sadness. it might not be the relationship you crave, but the distraction. and you found that being in relationships is the best way to do that. I admit i used to do that as well. i would constantly date people on and off and date ex's after i broke up and everything, not because i actually wanted them back, but because i didn't want to be so sad. is it a good coping skill? no, but it's what we do in order to feel okay to the best that we can.

I've always heard my mother say shit that made me feel more special than everyone like "when u were born the nurse said she would see you on television when she was older". Idk. I just feel I'm so narcissistic and always got things in life without effort just by using charm or faking to be interesting. I feel I have so much potential but am always too busy thinking I'm superior to others to act on it. Also depression always made me give up after trying the slightest bit, like it isn't even worth doing something, or I will make an effort just to receive attention afterwards for it.

I think this is just mainly a need for attention, not necessarily in a narcissistic way. more like i said before, behaviors that self-sooth your depression. i relate to this a lot too. I don't like to admit it but i do a lot of things just to get people to compliment me, or something like that. everyone wants to feel special and i feel like this might be your way of "self-medicating" for your depressive symptoms. I feel like this happens mostly in people that are depressed, but their depression doesn't quite withdrawal themselves from people, it makes them go out and search for that attention, that comfort from others.

I don't feel I'm capable of loving other beings (truly loving, not faking love) and that just makes me feel so alone and hating myself more and more, even if I have relationships with people, friends etc i just feel so fake and incapable of making true connections.

like i mentioned before, i think you are capable, when you find that right person. right now i think you have your relationships to help yourself from being so depressed. it may seem selfish to you but i don't find it selfish at all just to want to feel better.

So this last year I isolated myself from everyone and everything, even quitted studying. I just realized I'm shit and am not likely to change. I tried therapy, antidepressants it never worked. Every slight hope in feeling better seems like another illusion.

i get this so much :(

Am I just being too hard on myself or may I actually be a horrible person? At least I realize it, but it just makes me feel more hopeless and suicidal.

i don't think your a horrible person i think your body is just doing what it needs to survive, and not feel the way it does. but logically it doesn't make sense to you so you get upset about the way you act. like for example. if you and your friend are hiking and you guys see a bear, so you start runing and leave your friend behind. you might later feel bad that you left your friend behind, but it was just your body automatically responding how it needed to, its not your fault.

Does anyone feel something close to this?

tbh i didn't think so at first, but reading deeper into your paragraph i realized i'm almost just like you. so either this is normal of people who have depression but seek the company of others, or we're just both narcissists lmao. idk this was just my take on it i hope you feel better and find some self-worth though. everyone deserves to feel good, even if you don't think you do <3

 

[sincerelysad]

Where did you see that she wants to change? To me it looks like she came for some supply. Hey, gonegirl, do you REALLY want to change? Did you go into therapy because you cared about people you hurt or because you lose every single relationship (care about yourself)?

To be honest, it sounds more like borderline PD. But we're all arm-chair diagnostics here, so you will get more of the same )))

definitely sounds nothing like bpd but ok

 

[gonegirl1]

it makes sense to want relationships that distract you from your sadness. it might not be the relationship you crave, but the distraction. and you found that being in relationships is the best way to do that. I admit i used to do that as well. i would constantly date people on and off and date ex's after i broke up and everything, not because i actually wanted them back, but because i didn't want to be so sad. is it a good coping skill? no, but it's what we do in order to feel okay to the best that we can.

I think this is just mainly a need for attention, not necessarily in a narcissistic way. more like i said before, behaviors that self-sooth your depression. i relate to this a lot too. I don't like to admit it but i do a lot of things just to get people to compliment me, or something like that. everyone wants to feel special and i feel like this might be your way of "self-medicating" for your depressive symptoms. I feel like this happens mostly in people that are depressed, but their depression doesn't quite withdrawal themselves from people, it makes them go out and search for that attention, that comfort from others.

First, thanks for your reply. I'm rooting for you.
This makes sense, but again there's no way to know if they are narcissistic behaviors or a coping mechanism. Most narcissists are depressed and have a deep sense of emptiness bc they don't have a true personality bc they are always looking for exterior people to distract them. Like they have a superior layer that is what they present to others, but deep down they are miserable they just don't want anyone to find out about it. I feel like this.

tbh i didn't think so at first, but reading deeper into your paragraph i realized i'm almost just like you. so either this is normal of people who have depression but seek the company of others, or we're just both narcissists lmao. idk this was just my take on it i hope you feel better and find some self-worth though. everyone deserves to feel good, even if you don't think you do <3

I think a lot of times that I could feel good if I wanted to. But I would have to live in isolation. I don't think I deserve to feel good because of all this but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm a narcissist, the same to you. Idk. I just feel I'm at the end of my line, I tried to get better for years I never could. Maybe now that I see my behavior this clearly bc of isolation, I can find the courage to put an end to this. Lots of love to you.

 

[hi-okbye]

First, thanks for your reply. I'm rooting for you.
This makes sense, but again there's no way to know if they are narcissistic behaviors or a coping mechanism. Most narcissists are depressed and have a deep sense of emptiness bc they don't have a true personality bc they are always looking for exterior people to distract them. Like they have a superior layer that is what they present to others, but deep down they are miserable they just don't want anyone to find out about it. I feel like this.

I think a lot of times that I could feel good if I wanted to. But I would have to live in isolation. I don't think I deserve to feel good because of all this but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm a narcissist, the same to you. Idk. I just feel I'm at the end of my line, I tried to get better for years I never could. Maybe now that I see my behavior this clearly bc of isolation, I can find the courage to put an end to this. Lots of love to you.

thank you and same back to you. like i said, im not completely crossing out the fact that you may be a narcissist, it is possible, i was just giving my perspective on it. bc i have the same behaviors as you but i'm like 90% sure i'm not, bc certain other behavior's show that i'm not.
although i'm not a doctor i very much like phycology and have some books on it. this is what one of them says about Narcissistic PD (personality disorder)
> The person has an exaggerated sense of self-importance, expects to be recognized as superior, and exaggerates their talents.
> They are preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty, or the perfect partner.
> They believe they can associate only with people of equal importance.
>They expect special favors and unquestioning compliance from others and take advantage of them to get what they want.
> They are unwilling and unable to recognize anyone else's needs and feelings.
> They believe they are envied.
now i am not a doctor and this is not a diagnosis. personally though, while you might fit some of these things, and i do to, i don't really see you like this. from what i can tell you seem like a very kind, self aware, sweet person. (maybe that's just the disorder presenting itself but who knows).
You said you feel fake, and while im not saying it can't be narcissism, it can also be other things. i find myself to do the same things, but for me it's my way of covering my mental issues and shielding them from other people. i also get scared that my personality is weird and no one will like me or be my friend, so i change who i am to make people see what they want to see. again just another perspective :)

 

[gonegirl1]

thank you and same back to you. like i said, im not completely crossing out the fact that you may be a narcissist, it is possible, i was just giving my perspective on it. bc i have the same behaviors as you but i'm like 90% sure i'm not, bc certain other behavior's show that i'm not.
although i'm not a doctor i very much like phycology and have some books on it. this is what one of them says about Narcissistic PD (personality disorder)
> The person has an exaggerated sense of self-importance, expects to be recognized as superior, and exaggerates their talents.
> They are preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty, or the perfect partner.
> They believe they can associate only with people of equal importance.
>They expect special favors and unquestioning compliance from others and take advantage of them to get what they want.
> They are unwilling and unable to recognize anyone else's needs and feelings.
> They believe they are envied.
now i am not a doctor and this is not a diagnosis. personally though, while you might fit some of these things, and i do to, i don't really see you like this. from what i can tell you seem like a very kind, self aware, sweet person. (maybe that's just the disorder presenting itself but who knows).
You said you feel fake, and while im not saying it can't be narcissism, it can also be other things. i find myself to do the same things, but for me it's my way of covering my mental issues and shielding them from other people. i also get scared that my personality is weird and no one will like me or be my friend, so i change who i am to make people see what they want to see. again just another perspective :)

What behaviors of yours show that you're not a narc? If u don't mind sharing. I think all of those "symptoms" are me tbh even tho I may be distorting reality bc of depression idk. I don't consider myself a kind person I just feel like I fake it but sometimes I do feel nice I just don't fucking know lol.
I also feel that of faking my personality for fear of rejection, but other times I feel like I have no personality at all I just blend in an environment like a chameleon.
Thanks for reply

 

[hi-okbye]

What behaviors of yours show that you're not a narc? If I don't mind sharing. I think all of those "symptoms" are me tbh even tho I may be distorting reality bc of depression idk. I don't consider myself a kind person I just feel like I fake it but sometimes I do feel nice I just don't fucking know lol.
I also feel that of faking my personality for fear of rejection, but other times I feel like I have no personality at all I just blend in an environment like a chameleon.
Thanks for reply

i feel like it's mainly just faking who i am to get praise from others. i feel like i do a little bit of everything there. i don't show it but on the inside for some reason im very critical of people. part of it is because i was considered "gifted" as a kid, and still kinda am now (considered gifted). When i get dressed up i believe people wanna be like me, wanna look like me. then reality hits me like a brick sometimes and i realize im probably not that special, i think thats the anxiety and depression. other than those two disorder i'm not sure what i have. i've ben told by so many doctors so many things, that i have asd, ocd, adhd, ptsd, gad, mdd. just so many disorders and it gets very confusing, so i just ignore it. basically i really get how you feel, all of what you've said has made so much sense to me.

 

[gonegirl1]

I relate to all of that omg. I was never diagnosed with anything rather than depression and anxiety tho. Doctors say I'm still too young to be diagnosed with a disorder. Im still growing or wtv but I know there's something really wrong with me.
Do u ever feel like you manipulate therapy sessions?

i feel like it's mainly just faking who i am to get praise from others. i feel like i do a little bit of everything there. i don't show it but on the inside for some reason im very critical of people. part of it is because i was considered "gifted" as a kid, and still kinda am now (considered gifted). When i get dressed up i believe people wanna be like me, wanna look like me. then reality hits me like a brick sometimes and i realize im probably not that special, i think thats the anxiety and depression. other than those two disorder i'm not sure what i have. i've ben told by so many doctors so many things, that i have asd, ocd, adhd, ptsd, gad, mdd. just so many disorders and it gets very confusing, so i just ignore it. basically i really get how you feel, all of what you've said has made so much sense to me.

 

[randal_bond]

definitely sounds nothing like bpd but ok

Doesn't sound attractive, does it?

 

[hi-okbye]

I relate to all of that omg. I was never diagnosed with anything rather than depression and anxiety tho. Doctors say I'm still too young to be diagnosed with a disorder. Im still growing or wtv but I know there's something really wrong with me.
Do u ever feel like you manipulate therapy sessions?

i was mostly never specifically diagnosed with anything other than depression and anxiety (also ptsd that was only recently tho). my doctors always suggest i "might have this" or i "might have that". I get what you mean all i really know is that there's SOMETHING wrong with me. what it is, idfk.
i think i get what you mean about the therapy thing, could you explain more tho what u mean? srry

 

[gonegirl1]

i was mostly never specifically diagnosed with anything other than depression and anxiety (also ptsd that was only recently tho). my doctors always suggest i "might have this" or i "might have that". I get what you mean all i really know is that there's SOMETHING wrong with me. what it is, idfk.
i think i get what you mean about the therapy thing, could you explain more tho what u mean? srry

Like, I feel I'm afraid of telling them how I really feel. For example, I never mentioned I want to ctb bc they'll lock me away or something or tell my family. I don't tell everything I need to tell, I hide some bad behaviors I have because I don't want them to think badly of me. I lie about doing what they ask me to lol, etc.
My therapy sessions are basically me self pitying or going around topics with too much vagueness like wandering around things because I don't truly know how I feel or how to explain things. Maybe it's just a narcissistic trait of manipulating them to still make me feel better than other people even if im miserable.

 

[sincerelysad]

Doesn't sound attractive, does it?

it just doesn't sound anything like bpd LMAO

 

[hi-okbye]

Like, I feel I'm afraid of telling them how I really feel. For example, I never mentioned I want to ctb bc they'll lock me away or something or tell my family. I don't tell everything I need to tell, I hide some bad behaviors I have because I don't want them to think badly of me. I lie about doing what they ask me to lol, etc.
My therapy sessions are basically me self pitying or going around topics with too much vagueness like wandering around things because I don't truly know how I feel or how to explain things. Maybe it's just a narcissistic trait of manipulating them to still make me feel better than other people even if im miserable.

yessssssss i relate to that so muchh.

 

[drownll]

Kinda same i also think i'm a narcissist
I'm at the point now where i completely avoid relations and seek isolation as much as i can even with my family, because i know it will never work.
I always feel like it's a waste of time and energy, relations are tyring, it takes time to build bonds and it has to be carefully maintained, it's not worth it. I am content with my Mind as only company. I also like to do things my way and live my way, and i think peoples way of thinking is inferior to mine, and i'd be too much effort to explain to them why, so i just ignore people.
Also i like to manipulate people out of pure curiosity, i don't particularly pleasure from it and it's always harmless i won't do evil shit. But i like to lie to people and go through multiple layers of psychological manipulation just to see their reactions, and i do it so well it's not uncomfortable for people, and they can never tell i'm lying.
I probably sound like an asshole but I know i'm not evil and have never done something truly evil that hurts people (quite the contrary i got hurt too much). This forum is one of the only places where i can be open about that

 

[gonegirl1]

Kinda same i also think i'm a narcissist
I'm at the point now where i completely avoid relations and seek isolation as much as i can even with my family, because i know it will never work.
I always feel like it's a waste of time and energy, relations are tyring, it takes time to build bonds and it has to be carefully maintained, it's not worth it. I am content with my Mind as only company. I also like to do things my way and live my way, and i think peoples way of thinking is inferior to mine, and i'd be too much effort to explain to them why, so i just ignore people.
Also i like to manipulate people out of pure curiosity, i don't particularly pleasure from it and it's always harmless i won't do evil shit. But i like to lie to people and go through multiple layers of psychological manipulation just to see their reactions, and i do it so well it's not uncomfortable for people, and they can never tell i'm lying.
I probably sound like an asshole but I know i'm not evil and have never done something truly evil that hurts people (quite the contrary i got hurt too much). This forum is one of the only places where i can be open about that

I relate to some of what you said. I also never did anything truly awful to anyone and often got hurt by others so idk. But I know I'm no good for sure.

About the isolation part I agree I just don't feel ok about it. Like I need others, I need to relate with humans, I just don't know how and got tired of how I react and treat them.

 

[cutecats12]

So for context,im also a narcissist,have been for idk maybe 8-10 years atp,i had teraphy before but honestly i couldn't care less about utter loving myself and being apathetic towards other people so i just stopped taking my meds and going there,it's quite a lonely path,as i (we,i suppose) have quite difficult to make friends since i can't project myself as an equal and when i actually engage with a relationship with someone,i'm just trying to use them,get some type of advantage from they,the thing is,you can live being a horrible person,u can be selfish and not care about others yk,but ofc it's totally okay to find problem being like that and your's concerns are also valid,im not against your pov nor anything,if you can't cope with it (again,no flame here,it's absolutely normal)i really hope you find your peace and be free from it.

 

[gonegirl1]

So for context,im also a narcissist,have been for idk maybe 8-10 years atp,i had teraphy before but honestly i couldn't care less about utter loving myself and being apathetic towards other people so i just stopped taking my meds and going there,it's quite a lonely path,as i (we,i suppose) have quite difficult to make friends since i can't project myself as an equal and when i actually engage with a relationship with someone,i'm just trying to use them,get some type of advantage from they,the thing is,you can live being a horrible person,u can be selfish and not care about others yk,but ofc it's totally okay to find problem being like that and your's concerns are also valid,im not against your pov nor anything,if you can't cope with it (again,no flame here,it's absolutely normal)i really hope you find your peace and be free from it.

i feel you.
i get what ur saying about being possible to live like that, i just find it almost impossible as i crave connections (and cannot have them properly). i feel like i deserve to suffer for being like this lol.
but im glad to hear u can cope with it.