Venting I think I'm a monster that should CTB but I'm scared

[Calendar]

Okay. I'm new here. And I know what I'm about to say is taboo, and horrifying, and I'm so ashamed of it I can't even tell a therapist. But I need to tell somebody. Just once.

When I was a kid, something super inappropriate happened with a neighbor. Honestly, I can't remember much, but he brought me into his house and I know shit got bad. He was later arrested for molesting a bunch of the neighborhood kids.
I buried this for a long time, but it started coming up after I was sexually assaulted recently. My brain kept fixating on that neighbor, on that day I was at his house. I have OCD pretty bad. Like, really bad. After the neighbor started coming up, my brain latched onto him, and now I'm plagued by this horrifying thought that maybe I am like that neighbor. I'm so terrified that what happened that day broke me, and made me like him. I've always identified as asexual and sex of any kind has never interested me, but now I can't stop fixating on this idea that maybe I'm like the neighbor. I'm scared. I'm so scared. The OCD fixation is so bad it makes me want to ctb, and I think I should if there's a chance that I could be like that neighbor. I think it would be better for the world if people like me ctb.

But I'm scared to go through with it. I'm REALLY scared of dying. I guess I want to know how to get past the fear and go through with it? And reassurance that ctb is the right choice? People think I'm a good person and I know they would be sad. But they dont know what is really going on in my head. I feel bad if I kill a bug instead of putting it outside - Id rather ctb than risk harming somebody.

Please don't be mean or say anything hurtful. I hate myself so much. I know I'm a monster. I just needed to tell someone why I want to do this, and I want to find the courage to go.
How do you get past the fear?
How did you know this was the right thing to do?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I gave you a hug. I don't see a monster in anything you said. I see fear because you've been through fear.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

*hugs if you want them* you are not a monster. I am so so sorry for what you experienced. My heart breaks. In your words, I sense a good and heartwarming soul. I can tell that you wouldn't hurt anyone

I can relate to the memories. I have BPD and have dealt with multiple sexual assaults along with being abused by family. You are not alone *hugs*

 

[AnxietyAttack44]

Traumas can make us feel weird, do weird things or have unusual thoughts. If you didnt do anything to hurt or add more trauma to others then dont be too hard on yourself. Stuff happens, nobody is perfect. Just relax. Good luck

 

[Starpeople]

I understand OCD. You are NOT like your neighbor at all. If you feel like making the world a better place because of your experience and what you have gone through, maybe you might want to look into working with victims who have gone through a similar experience. Whatever happened at your neighbor's house did not break you to be like him. In fact, it did the exact opposite, in that moment, you survived to become a future advocate for others. You seem to be a sweet person who cares very deeply for life and would never harm the vulnerable. You survived and you are able to help others because you are here in this world. :)
You are needed.

 

[FriendofDeath]

Okay. I'm new here. And I know what I'm about to say is taboo, and horrifying, and I'm so ashamed of it I can't even tell a therapist. But I need to tell somebody. Just once.

When I was a kid, something super inappropriate happened with a neighbor. Honestly, I can't remember much, but he brought me into his house and I know shit got bad. He was later arrested for molesting a bunch of the neighborhood kids.
I buried this for a long time, but it started coming up after I was sexually assaulted recently. My brain kept fixating on that neighbor, on that day I was at his house. I have OCD pretty bad. Like, really bad. After the neighbor started coming up, my brain latched onto him, and now I'm plagued by this horrifying thought that maybe I am like that neighbor. I'm so terrified that what happened that day broke me, and made me like him. I've always identified as asexual and sex of any kind has never interested me, but now I can't stop fixating on this idea that maybe I'm like the neighbor. I'm scared. I'm so scared. The OCD fixation is so bad it makes me want to ctb, and I think I should if there's a chance that I could be like that neighbor. I think it would be better for the world if people like me ctb.

But I'm scared to go through with it. I'm REALLY scared of dying. I guess I want to know how to get past the fear and go through with it? And reassurance that ctb is the right choice? People think I'm a good person and I know they would be sad. But they dont know what is really going on in my head. I feel bad if I kill a bug instead of putting it outside - Id rather ctb than risk harming somebody.

Please don't be mean or say anything hurtful. I hate myself so much. I know I'm a monster. I just needed to tell someone why I want to do this, and I want to find the courage to go.
How do you get past the fear?
How did you know this was the right thing to do?

I know you said you can't tell a therapist. Maybe you can just begin by working on what might have happened to you? It sounds like you repressed it for quite some time. There's a therapy called EMDR. (Eye Movement and Desensitization Reprocessing) It is for trauma, and it can be very effective and shows results pretty quickly. I'm not saying it will fix everything, but it might give you a start. You don't sound like a monster - you sound like a caring person with a lot of questions. It would be scary to face those fears, too, but you are strong. And those people that would be sad and would miss you? They are probably a pretty good judge of character. Don't jump into this. Try sorting things out and see how you come out the other side. Do what's best for you.

 

[autumnal]

Okay. I'm new here. And I know what I'm about to say is taboo, and horrifying, and I'm so ashamed of it I can't even tell a therapist. But I need to tell somebody. Just once.

When I was a kid, something super inappropriate happened with a neighbor. Honestly, I can't remember much, but he brought me into his house and I know shit got bad. He was later arrested for molesting a bunch of the neighborhood kids.
I buried this for a long time, but it started coming up after I was sexually assaulted recently. My brain kept fixating on that neighbor, on that day I was at his house. I have OCD pretty bad. Like, really bad. After the neighbor started coming up, my brain latched onto him, and now I'm plagued by this horrifying thought that maybe I am like that neighbor. I'm so terrified that what happened that day broke me, and made me like him. I've always identified as asexual and sex of any kind has never interested me, but now I can't stop fixating on this idea that maybe I'm like the neighbor. I'm scared. I'm so scared. The OCD fixation is so bad it makes me want to ctb, and I think I should if there's a chance that I could be like that neighbor. I think it would be better for the world if people like me ctb.

But I'm scared to go through with it. I'm REALLY scared of dying. I guess I want to know how to get past the fear and go through with it? And reassurance that ctb is the right choice? People think I'm a good person and I know they would be sad. But they dont know what is really going on in my head. I feel bad if I kill a bug instead of putting it outside - Id rather ctb than risk harming somebody.

Please don't be mean or say anything hurtful. I hate myself so much. I know I'm a monster. I just needed to tell someone why I want to do this, and I want to find the courage to go.
How do you get past the fear?
How did you know this was the right thing to do?

Remember: The neighbour committing the abuse is 'taboo'. You being the victim of it is not.

I believe it is a fairly common theme among victims of sexual abuse that they fear they may become abusers. This very rarely turns out to be the case in general, and especially among those victims such as yourself who have insight into their experiences and are terrified at the thought of such a possibility.

While this forum has many supportive members in general, and no doubt a few who can relate personally to your experience, you might also find it beneficial to raise these issues on a forum dedicated to recovery for abuse victims. You would also definitely benefit from speaking to a therapist who specializes in this area.

 

[GoBack]

Yeah you should talk to someone, what your feeling is the shame he left you with , not of your own actions. Our minds are dangerous places though when dealing with trauma and it can turn in on you and make you feel things you don't deserve in any way.

Therapists know all this, they've heard it all. It is the hardest thing to open up about but trying to do it alone will drive you round in circles

 

[Fedrea]

Okay. I'm new here. And I know what I'm about to say is taboo, and horrifying, and I'm so ashamed of it I can't even tell a therapist. But I need to tell somebody. Just once.

When I was a kid, something super inappropriate happened with a neighbor. Honestly, I can't remember much, but he brought me into his house and I know shit got bad. He was later arrested for molesting a bunch of the neighborhood kids.
I buried this for a long time, but it started coming up after I was sexually assaulted recently. My brain kept fixating on that neighbor, on that day I was at his house. I have OCD pretty bad. Like, really bad. After the neighbor started coming up, my brain latched onto him, and now I'm plagued by this horrifying thought that maybe I am like that neighbor. I'm so terrified that what happened that day broke me, and made me like him. I've always identified as asexual and sex of any kind has never interested me, but now I can't stop fixating on this idea that maybe I'm like the neighbor. I'm scared. I'm so scared. The OCD fixation is so bad it makes me want to ctb, and I think I should if there's a chance that I could be like that neighbor. I think it would be better for the world if people like me ctb.

But I'm scared to go through with it. I'm REALLY scared of dying. I guess I want to know how to get past the fear and go through with it? And reassurance that ctb is the right choice? People think I'm a good person and I know they would be sad. But they dont know what is really going on in my head. I feel bad if I kill a bug instead of putting it outside - Id rather ctb than risk harming somebody.

Please don't be mean or say anything hurtful. I hate myself so much. I know I'm a monster. I just needed to tell someone why I want to do this, and I want to find the courage to go.
How do you get past the fear?
How did you know this was the right thing to do?

Reading up on OCD lately there were a lot of descriptions of just this type of scenario. It doesn't sound like you're like the neighbour at all, it sounds like it's your greatest fear that you are despite the fact there is no evidence for this and because it's your greatest fear your obsessive brain has fixated on it 1000%. It must be torture. I can understand why you're scared to speak to a therapist but I bet therapists who deal with OCD have heard just this type of scenario many times

Guilt OCD or Real Life OCD | OCD Life

Guilt OCD is a theme where the sufferer fixates on a minor event in the past, the significance of which is blown out of proportion, causing feelings of extreme guilt.

ocdlife.ca

 

[xLosthopex]

Okay. I'm new here. And I know what I'm about to say is taboo, and horrifying, and I'm so ashamed of it I can't even tell a therapist. But I need to tell somebody. Just once.

When I was a kid, something super inappropriate happened with a neighbor. Honestly, I can't remember much, but he brought me into his house and I know shit got bad. He was later arrested for molesting a bunch of the neighborhood kids.
I buried this for a long time, but it started coming up after I was sexually assaulted recently. My brain kept fixating on that neighbor, on that day I was at his house. I have OCD pretty bad. Like, really bad. After the neighbor started coming up, my brain latched onto him, and now I'm plagued by this horrifying thought that maybe I am like that neighbor. I'm so terrified that what happened that day broke me, and made me like him. I've always identified as asexual and sex of any kind has never interested me, but now I can't stop fixating on this idea that maybe I'm like the neighbor. I'm scared. I'm so scared. The OCD fixation is so bad it makes me want to ctb, and I think I should if there's a chance that I could be like that neighbor. I think it would be better for the world if people like me ctb.

But I'm scared to go through with it. I'm REALLY scared of dying. I guess I want to know how to get past the fear and go through with it? And reassurance that ctb is the right choice? People think I'm a good person and I know they would be sad. But they dont know what is really going on in my head. I feel bad if I kill a bug instead of putting it outside - Id rather ctb than risk harming somebody.

Please don't be mean or say anything hurtful. I hate myself so much. I know I'm a monster. I just needed to tell someone why I want to do this, and I want to find the courage to go.
How do you get past the fear?
How did you know this was the right thing to do?

I also have OCD and understand how real and terrifying these thoughts can feel
But you are not your thoughts, the fact that you are terrified of being like that person shows that you are a good person and not like that
I'd recommend joining online OCD forums or speaking to a therapist if you have one, one that understands OCD

 

[Amnesty]

The molester messed you up, your mind might be trying to cope with it and try to make it a normal? Yet anyways it is not your fault and you are not a monster.

 

[Calendar]

Wow.... I was really anticipating people telling me I was horrible, but you guys were so nice and compassionate! Thank you all so much. Since you guys were caring and understanding, I decided to reach out to a therapist... you gave me hope that maybe there is hope for me.

Reading up on OCD lately there were a lot of descriptions of just this type of scenario. It doesn't sound like you're like the neighbour at all, it sounds like it's your greatest fear that you are despite the fact there is no evidence for this and because it's your greatest fear your obsessive brain has fixated on it 1000%. It must be torture. I can understand why you're scared to speak to a therapist but I bet therapists who deal with OCD have heard just this type of scenario many times

Guilt OCD or Real Life OCD | OCD Life

Guilt OCD is a theme where the sufferer fixates on a minor event in the past, the significance of which is blown out of proportion, causing feelings of extreme guilt.

ocdlife.ca

Holy cow, this link was incredibly helpful. Thank you for it!

 

[autumnal]

Wow.... I was really anticipating people telling me I was horrible, but you guys were so nice and compassionate! Thank you all so much. Since you guys were caring and understanding, I decided to reach out to a therapist... you gave me hope that maybe there is hope for me.

Really, incredibly glad to hear this!
Sometimes the best suicide method is no suicide at all.

 

[SpottedPanda]

I was molested as a child, and my childhood friend said to me, gasping, "the abused become abusers".

More than ten years passed, and I thought nothing of it, until my late twenties.

I was off my meds. I'm not OCD, but I have obsessive tendencies with my schizophrenia. I started obsessively thinking I was going to become a monster like that molester.

I can categorically conclude that the overriding realisation I came to after a few years of abject terror and inner turmoil was this. Just don't take any monstrous actions, and it's guaranteed you won't become a monster. It sounds simple, but it took years of panic to get there.

Kudos on seeking help. Wishing the very best

 

[Fedrea]

Wow.... I was really anticipating people telling me I was horrible, but you guys were so nice and compassionate! Thank you all so much. Since you guys were caring and understanding, I decided to reach out to a therapist... you gave me hope that maybe there is hope for me.


Holy cow, this link was incredibly helpful. Thank you for it!

I can't find it now but there was another link where someone with OCD on a forum described something very similar to you, being constantly terrified of having abusive sexual thoughts despite the fact that they didn't actually have those thoughts and were not an abuser. I don't have anything like that but I do have a brain which is properly obsessive and has switched to thinking about a theoretically minor event which causes me guilt about 99-100% of the time. It's EXHAUSTING. And the reason my brain won't switch off that is it's AFRAID of the guilt, of what it will do to me in the long term, because I have a past history of problems obsesing about guilt. It's like trying not to think about a tiger when there's a tiger in the room. Fear is our brain shouting do something about this now! Problem solve this concern!

The great news about your case is there is NO evidence you are like your abuser, you have never abused anyone, you identify as asexual. It sounds like the problem is simply your FEAR that you might be like that meaning your brain just won't drop the subject. But sounds like a classic case and I really hope the therapist helps. Hopefully in time your brain will simply drop the irrational fear.

Okay. I'm new here. And I know what I'm about to say is taboo, and horrifying, and I'm so ashamed of it I can't even tell a therapist. But I need to tell somebody. Just once.

When I was a kid, something super inappropriate happened with a neighbor. Honestly, I can't remember much, but he brought me into his house and I know shit got bad. He was later arrested for molesting a bunch of the neighborhood kids.
I buried this for a long time, but it started coming up after I was sexually assaulted recently. My brain kept fixating on that neighbor, on that day I was at his house. I have OCD pretty bad. Like, really bad. After the neighbor started coming up, my brain latched onto him, and now I'm plagued by this horrifying thought that maybe I am like that neighbor. I'm so terrified that what happened that day broke me, and made me like him. I've always identified as asexual and sex of any kind has never interested me, but now I can't stop fixating on this idea that maybe I'm like the neighbor. I'm scared. I'm so scared. The OCD fixation is so bad it makes me want to ctb, and I think I should if there's a chance that I could be like that neighbor. I think it would be better for the world if people like me ctb.

But I'm scared to go through with it. I'm REALLY scared of dying. I guess I want to know how to get past the fear and go through with it? And reassurance that ctb is the right choice? People think I'm a good person and I know they would be sad. But they dont know what is really going on in my head. I feel bad if I kill a bug instead of putting it outside - Id rather ctb than risk harming somebody.

Please don't be mean or say anything hurtful. I hate myself so much. I know I'm a monster. I just needed to tell someone why I want to do this, and I want to find the courage to go.
How do you get past the fear?
How did you know this was the right thing to do?

OP, could the scenerio described here also be relevant to you?- https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/metoo-latest-ocd-trigger

In particular note what the therapist says in answer- "But the men who come to me for treatment are not predators or rapists. In fact, most share two thinking patterns typical of many people with OCD: an excessive sense of responsibility and a finely tuned sense of morality. They worry about causing harm to others and about being bad people even though, in the paradoxical way of OCD, they are usually conscientious, considerate individuals with a strong—perhaps even overly rigid—moral compass"

I recognise this with my own guilt over what others would view as minor incident, I have a highly rigid moral compass. In the case of abuse it is morally black and white, but because you are not, in fact, an abuser and from what you say do not in fact have those thoughts...................it may be your very goodness and conscientiousness driving you to be terrified that you might be like this.

 

[whitelacedress]

Okay. I'm new here. And I know what I'm about to say is taboo, and horrifying, and I'm so ashamed of it I can't even tell a therapist. But I need to tell somebody. Just once.

When I was a kid, something super inappropriate happened with a neighbor. Honestly, I can't remember much, but he brought me into his house and I know shit got bad. He was later arrested for molesting a bunch of the neighborhood kids.
I buried this for a long time, but it started coming up after I was sexually assaulted recently. My brain kept fixating on that neighbor, on that day I was at his house. I have OCD pretty bad. Like, really bad. After the neighbor started coming up, my brain latched onto him, and now I'm plagued by this horrifying thought that maybe I am like that neighbor. I'm so terrified that what happened that day broke me, and made me like him. I've always identified as asexual and sex of any kind has never interested me, but now I can't stop fixating on this idea that maybe I'm like the neighbor. I'm scared. I'm so scared. The OCD fixation is so bad it makes me want to ctb, and I think I should if there's a chance that I could be like that neighbor. I think it would be better for the world if people like me ctb.

But I'm scared to go through with it. I'm REALLY scared of dying. I guess I want to know how to get past the fear and go through with it? And reassurance that ctb is the right choice? People think I'm a good person and I know they would be sad. But they dont know what is really going on in my head. I feel bad if I kill a bug instead of putting it outside - Id rather ctb than risk harming somebody.

Please don't be mean or say anything hurtful. I hate myself so much. I know I'm a monster. I just needed to tell someone why I want to do this, and I want to find the courage to go.
How do you get past the fear?
How did you know this was the right thing to do?

It sounds like this can be helped by therapy, I get that its embaressing, and i dont want to invalidate your fear, but from an outside perspective its horrible what happened to you and not you, they should be embarassed. I would tell somehow to a therapist, like in a letter or something. Im not an agressive person but they should die, not you