I think i would like to recover

[MountainMan99]

Hello everyone, so i have been suicidal for a while, because of some life problems and also depression, and i have been passing most days for almost 2 years now, with suicidal thoughts almost daily, and i even bought SN if i decided to do it someday, just in case the sources stop existing.

But lately, i have been debating myself whether suicide is worth it or not for me, because see, i am still young (21 years old) i am not debilitated in any kind of way, and even though life has been hard, i know there is people in here who have got it way harder than me.

I started to think, that death will eventually come to me someday, and even if i have to way 40/50 years, that is nothing compared to the amount of time that some trees, for example, have been on earth.

It will pass quickly if i don't worry about it, but the thing is, if i end it all now, i will be simply cutting my life short, because i know that if i stay alive, there is some possibility that things will get better and i might achieve my goals in life.

I have had good moments in life, before i started to feel depressed like i am now, and suicide frightens me in a way, because it's something that once done, there is no going back.

I mean, maybe suicide could bring me eternal peace, but how can i be sure? If i am dead, and after death there isn't anything, no afterlife, no existence, how can i even experience that eternal peace, that joy that comes from peace? I can't because i will be dead, right?

So it makes me wonder if it's not better to stick around and push through these hard moments, and i might actually turn my life around and make it slightly better at least, and when i die, i might die happy... if i die now, i will probably die sad, tbh..

But what makes me overthink, is that my depressed mind, starts having suicidal and negative thoughts, when i try to recover or try to get out of this state, i start thinking things like "Well, if i kill myself, i won't have to go through the pain of losing loved ones..."

And well that makes me think, it would indeed be easier if i just quit going through this pain, and give up.

Btw, i am not saying that suicide is giving up in most cases, but in mine, that's kind of how i feel about it.

And i know it will be hard at first, when my mind almost completely fused with the idea that i will die by suicide, multiple times i thought to myself that this is how i would die, that this is my destiny.

And so it feels weird and wrong to be trying to pull myself out of that thinking.

But i feel like i would regret my decision if i CTB'ed by the last minute like her in that thread.

I don't know, i think suicide must be something you do, when you have 0 doubts in your heart, that there is no other way, and that's the right decision to take.

Is anybody in here that once was truly suicidal and was chose to recover and got better? Or any thread like that, that you guys know of? It would be really encoraging and motivational to see something like that.

Can anyone help me make a decision? Or guide me at least? Thank you..

 

[derpyderpins]

Well, first off welcome. This thread has a lot of big questions. Thinking of how to approach it is tough. You're going to need to think about some of these issues one-by-one. No one can make the decision for you, but I'd be happy to talk some things out with you. If you're interested, I have recently started writing a guide to recovery based on my experiences (I'm 32 now, first suicidal at 12). There is a draft of what the guide will look like with links to threads on certain topics in a recent status update of mine if you want to check out my profile.

I don't think it's wrong to say suicide is giving up. It's a little bit of harsh wording, but that is it in a way, right? It's like turning your king over in chess when it's clear you can't win. I used to think of it like I was at a casino. I'm losing and losing and losing . . . eventually I should get up and leave the table, right?

Now, I have gotten through all that and decided to live. I have a lot of mental health problems and go in and out.

I will often say the bigger factor is not your age, but what possible changes are still available. Still in high school, living at home, in school, etc.? Never been in a relationship, but interested? Have something you think might be right for you but haven't gotten there? Never been financially independent? I say it's usually worth it to explore those things first, but in the end CTB is an entirely personal decision. You don't owe anyone justification.

If you'd like to talk more let me know. I'll write 1000 words if I don't stop myself.

 

[Dot]

Thre r mny ppl on SaSu wh/ hve recovrd or r committng t/ recvry

Recovery Success Stories

Sometimes, people in recovery can find motivation in other recovery stories when they are struggling to keep momentum. Below is a list of stories of recovery from different members in various situations. Owing to their recovery, many of them have now moved on from the forum.  Depression...

sanctioned-suicide.net

"Well, if i kill myself, i won't have to go through the pain of losing loved ones..."

Oftn suicdl thghts r abt avoidng pain or tryn2 tke contrl of uncertnty

Also closng off t/ pain also closs off t/ all th/ gd thngs tht cme wth lfe whch cn b fulfillng

Imo if u r cnsidrng recvry thn shld alwys try tht bcse ctb wll alwys b th/ finl decsn u mke & wll nt b abl t/ try n.ethng els aftr

 

[MountainMan99]

Well, first off welcome. This thread has a lot of big questions. Thinking of how to approach it is tough. You're going to need to think about some of these issues one-by-one. No one can make the decision for you, but I'd be happy to talk some things out with you. If you're interested, I have recently started writing a guide to recovery based on my experiences (I'm 32 now, first suicidal at 12). There is a draft of what the guide will look like with links to threads on certain topics in a recent status update of mine if you want to check out my profile.

I don't think it's wrong to say suicide is giving up. It's a little bit of harsh wording, but that is it in a way, right? It's like turning your king over in chess when it's clear you can't win. I used to think of it like I was at a casino. I'm losing and losing and losing . . . eventually I should get up and leave the table, right?

Now, I have gotten through all that and decided to live. I have a lot of mental health problems and go in and out.

I will often say the bigger factor is not your age, but what possible changes are still available. Still in high school, living at home, in school, etc.? Never been in a relationship, but interested? Have something you think might be right for you but haven't gotten there? Never been financially independent? I say it's usually worth it to explore those things first, but in the end CTB is an entirely personal decision. You don't owe anyone justification.

If you'd like to talk more let me know. I'll write 1000 words if I don't stop myself.

First of all, thanks alot for answering...

Yes i believe i still have a long future ahead of me, and if i keep trying, i might achieve some of my goals at least... like getting a girlfriend, my first house, having a homegym because i like to workout and like home gyms, and experiencing fun stuff in life, like going to parties and going to the beach..

Yes i know, everyone has the right to CTB if they want to, and without having to explain it to anybody..

But i do have the fear, it might be my SI maybe, but i fear regret, i fear that just because i feel more depressed in a day, and take SN and then at the last minutes of being conscious, i feel regretful, but guess what? There is no going back once i get to that point.

Like that thread i quoted in the original post, where that woman (i assume it's a woman) took SN and wrote at probably her final minutes, that she felt regretful, but there was no going back from there...

You know what i find hard on feeling suicidal? It's as if i have this invisible force pulling me to think that suicide is a good thing, i find it funny sometimes, as if instead of your mind working to get you out of that state, it almost pushes you to do it, by making you have thoughts that say life isn't worth it, etc etc...

It's as if i have to actively force myself to stay alive sometimes, to get out of this mental loophole, does/did this happen to you as well?

But i feel like, even if it's hard at the moment, if i am having doubts about CTBing then, it isn't for me... because i heard someone say, Suicide is for those who know in their heart, that is the right decision without doubts, and that doesn't seem to be my case, otherwise i wouldn't be here in the Recovery section, i guess..

I'd love you to hear you speak about all the knowledge you have on recovery, because you have been dealing with suicidal thoughts for way longer than me..

Thre r mny ppl on SaSu wh/ hve recovrd or r committng t/ recvry

Recovery Success Stories

Sometimes, people in recovery can find motivation in other recovery stories when they are struggling to keep momentum. Below is a list of stories of recovery from different members in various situations. Owing to their recovery, many of them have now moved on from the forum.  Depression...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Oftn suicdl thghts r abt avoidng pain or tryn2 tke contrl of uncertnty

Also closng off t/ pain also closs off t/ all th/ gd thngs tht cme wth lfe whch cn b fulfillng

Imo if u r cnsidrng recvry thn shld alwys try tht bcse ctb wll alwys b th/ finl decsn u mke & wll nt b abl t/ try n.ethng els aftr

Thanks alot @Dot

Your words really touched me, "Also closing off the pain also closes off all the good things that come woth life which can be fulfilling"

Wow, that makes so much sense, never thought about it...

I guess it's true, life works that way, without pain there isn't joy, and vice-versa, i guess..

 

[derpyderpins]

First of all, thanks alot for answering...

No problem!

Yes i believe i still have a long future ahead of me, and if i keep trying, i might achieve some of my goals at least... like getting a girlfriend, my first house, having a homegym because i like to workout and like home gyms, and experiencing fun stuff in life, like going to parties and going to the beach..

Yes i know, everyone has the right to CTB if they want to, and without having to explain it to anybody..

But i do have the fear, it might be my SI maybe, but i fear regret, i fear that just because i feel more depressed in a day, and take SN and then at the last minutes of being conscious, i feel regretful, but guess what? There is no going back once i get to that point.

I'd like to know a bit more about how you feel; why you think you are suicidal. I know you said generally that you have depression, but I think we all have a bit of a script for why we may want to kill ourselves. Some say they deserve death, some say life is horrific and hopeless, some say they're simply not compatible, some say they are too broken from trauma. There doesn't have to be a specific reason, but I find talking through it is helpful if you can describe one.

Like that thread i quoted in the original post, where that woman (i assume it's a woman) took SN and wrote at probably her final minutes, that she felt regretful, but there was no going back from there...

I agree that was a very tough read. . .

You know what i find hard on feeling suicidal? It's as if i have this invisible force pulling me to think that suicide is a good thing, i find it funny sometimes, as if instead of your mind working to get you out of that state, it almost pushes you to do it, by making you have thoughts that say life isn't worth it, etc etc...

It's as if i have to actively force myself to stay alive sometimes, to get out of this mental loophole, does/did this happen to you as well?

Yes, that is very relatable. One truth about humans is that we want to avoid pain. Another truth is that mental pain is very real. And suicidal thoughts lead us into bad cycles.

It's kind of like how torture works, right? The goal is not to give the enemy the information, but they dial up the pain until you'll do anything to escape. Suicidal thoughts are us thinking 'damn it maybe I should just tell them what they want to know so it stops.' The double-edged sword is that those suicidal thoughts will further mess up our life: they get us to be inactive, unfocused, less productive, isolated, angry, mean, and then our situation gets worse. Before you know it, you are now even worse off and feeling more mental pain so now you are considering suicide even more. It can get so bad that you convince yourself suicide is the only option. Then you start believing other lies about life being an always objectively bad thing, trying being a waste of effort, then trying being a bad thing, life is awful so the world is awful, the world is awful so people are awful, people are awful so connecting with them is awful, connections are awful so participating in society at all is awful. It's really ugly.

Then you get further and further behind. You haven't progressed, you've regressed. Now, you NEED all of those things to be true, because if life can be good and love can be good then you've been wasting your time and energy. Now you can't listen to reason because the wall - made of these lies you've told yourself - is too big.

It doesn't sound like you are there, yet, since you acknowledge there are some good things in life. I'm just warning you about where the cycle can lead.

But i feel like, even if it's hard at the moment, if i am having doubts about CTBing then, it isn't for me... because i heard someone say, Suicide is for those who know in their heart, that is the right decision without doubts, and that doesn't seem to be my case, otherwise i wouldn't be here in the Recovery section, i guess..

I'd generally agree with that. You want to be really sure before you step off that ledge. I think there will always be some doubts, though. Life is possibility, death is nothingness. I wouldn't say you must eliminate all doubts before you ctb, just that you should very thoroughly think it over. That may not sound like it fits in "recovery," but my policy is honesty rather than blind hope.

I'd love you to hear you speak about all the knowledge you have on recovery, because you have been dealing with suicidal thoughts for way longer than me..

If you have questions, feel free to ask. Otherwise, I invite you to read through my posts. My profile is visible to all members. I've written many, many words lol.