I am almost never calm. I am worrying about my life 24/7. This really tortures. I read people in this forum that preparing their death makes them calm. For me it is the opposite. The last time I tried partial (this some time ago) I cried a lot. I can remember a video (it was in the media several years ago). Someone recorderd himself roundabout 1 hour before his suicide. The person cried so much the pain and desperation were really palpable. I have the feeling this will be me. Always asking myself why it just had to be me with this fucked up life. I think I will be really bitter and only thinking about my pain and that it hopefully will disappear soon. Approaching suicide made me really depressed the last times. But there were periods of time when I could have gone through with it. But I did not have enough means/information and a tiny bit of remainig hope.
I am too sensitive and vulnerable for this life. But almost the same applies for suicide. Though I really think if the pain becomes too much even me could go through with it. With the problems I have I really see it coming. It seems quite unavoidable. I think I will never feel ready it is something you cannot really prepare well for it. I will repine about a lot that happened.
(This reminds me of a passage I read about suicide. The people who commit suicide wake up every day with the thought why shouldn't I kill myself. They keep asking this question. And then comes a day when they simply do it. It is a myth people would not talk about it. That this all would happen so suddenly. The people around them just don't see the warning signals or don't want to see them.)
I am not sure how stable I am currently. There are some warning signals of my mental health. Maybe this will all happen way earlier than I expected...I am really scared but at least I have a place where I can share my thoughts.
I am too sensitive and vulnerable for this life. But almost the same applies for suicide. Though I really think if the pain becomes too much even me could go through with it. With the problems I have I really see it coming. It seems quite unavoidable. I think I will never feel ready it is something you cannot really prepare well for it. I will repine about a lot that happened.
(This reminds me of a passage I read about suicide. The people who commit suicide wake up every day with the thought why shouldn't I kill myself. They keep asking this question. And then comes a day when they simply do it. It is a myth people would not talk about it. That this all would happen so suddenly. The people around them just don't see the warning signals or don't want to see them.)
I am not sure how stable I am currently. There are some warning signals of my mental health. Maybe this will all happen way earlier than I expected...I am really scared but at least I have a place where I can share my thoughts.
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