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noname223

Archangel
Aug 18, 2020
5,980
I am almost never calm. I am worrying about my life 24/7. This really tortures. I read people in this forum that preparing their death makes them calm. For me it is the opposite. The last time I tried partial (this some time ago) I cried a lot. I can remember a video (it was in the media several years ago). Someone recorderd himself roundabout 1 hour before his suicide. The person cried so much the pain and desperation were really palpable. I have the feeling this will be me. Always asking myself why it just had to be me with this fucked up life. I think I will be really bitter and only thinking about my pain and that it hopefully will disappear soon. Approaching suicide made me really depressed the last times. But there were periods of time when I could have gone through with it. But I did not have enough means/information and a tiny bit of remainig hope.
I am too sensitive and vulnerable for this life. But almost the same applies for suicide. Though I really think if the pain becomes too much even me could go through with it. With the problems I have I really see it coming. It seems quite unavoidable. I think I will never feel ready it is something you cannot really prepare well for it. I will repine about a lot that happened.
(This reminds me of a passage I read about suicide. The people who commit suicide wake up every day with the thought why shouldn't I kill myself. They keep asking this question. And then comes a day when they simply do it. It is a myth people would not talk about it. That this all would happen so suddenly. The people around them just don't see the warning signals or don't want to see them.)
I am not sure how stable I am currently. There are some warning signals of my mental health. Maybe this will all happen way earlier than I expected...I am really scared but at least I have a place where I can share my thoughts.
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
43,645
Suicide is very difficult after all, I would only be calm about it all, if I had a peaceful and reliable way to exit. There is the survival instinct and I believe that many people are only able to overcome that when the pain of living gets to be unbearable and they reach a point of desperation. This life really can be a nightmare. It can be dreadful to live a painful existence. I wish you the best.
 
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Nanako

Nanako

Experienced
Dec 24, 2018
289
I'm researching a bunch of different methods but they're all either very unreliable or unacquirable for me. I'm sorry to hear what you're going through, I also feel awful every single day, I'm desperate to die.
 
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cambrai33

cambrai33

Traveller
Nov 3, 2021
386
I'm trembling a lot as my time draws close

i was calm but it's reality has hit home now and there is no turning back
 
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