onceinthefuturewas
Member
- Apr 13, 2023
- 71
This is the first time that I ever really posted anything here, so sorry if I have bad communication. It might also be offtopis but it has been weighing me down a bit, so here goes.
It's a bit of a vent, but more importantly, I need some guidance.
I'm not really sure if it is related, but I got sexually harassed by my grandfather when I was seven. I didn't really realise what was going on at the time, I even laughed at it, because I didn't understand what sexual harassment was at the time, and no one told me. I only realised what had happened when I was 10 or so, from a PSHE lesson in school. I was mortified. Although I didn't get diagnosed for it, I'm pretty sure that I got OCD, and I started making conscious rules by counting to ten and then breathing, and starting suffocating. I saw faces in the walls, and sometimes faces of people who did shit to me would appear and I wouldn't be able to breathe. I felt as though someone was touching me, and I couldn't concentrate on my work, get angry, and start crying. It was as if he was telling me that all I could do was be this shameful bastard who can't even work or contribute to society. I covered myself with a blanket or tried to close my eyes not to see the faces, but the faces would appear in my mind, everywhere. I wanted help, but my mother said "I'm tired, don't tire me out." It was understandable at the time considering that my dad cheated on my mom at that time, with a woman 10yrs younger than her, but that line still stuck with me.
Later on, I knew I would turn insane so I decided to erase some memories or at least that's what I think happened. Maybe I just didn't think of it or something because I didn't have it anymore after I "erased" it. I also forgot how my voice sounded like for a bit, so I experimented with which voice to use and found a lower voice was easier on the throat so I chose that.
Then, somehow, I had gotten addicted to pornography and the like when I was 10. Half of it maybe was that I wanted my grandfather to experience the same sense of shame I did as revenge, but I obviously couldn't do that considering my size, power and my mother (the grandfather who did it was on my mother's side). So, maybe I decided I could vent as I wish with p*rn. The other half of it was the s*xual "high". I would read more extreme and disgusting things
[/ISPOILER] to get on a high and got addicted. I would read tons of these every day and spiraled into moral damnation. The things I read was probably on the black market or something it was so bad.
I don't read p*rn anymore because I know it's disgusting, and it's only going to make me disgusting. I am a disgusting monster and I hate myself for it . I wish I hadn't ruined my life like that. Now my mindset is ruined for life in a twisted concoction of lust, revenge, regret, self-hatred and disgust.
Also, I am struggling to quit m*sturbating. Without it, I seem to have some kind of withdrawal symptoms like feeling blood pumping through my veins so much it feels uncomfortable and I start trembling, hot flushes, reacting to things that aren't even remotely close to sex or anything as if my body is trying to make up for the lack of dopamine(although I am not a man), saliva build up for no apparent reason etc. It felt as though I got this because I got too many highs at such a young age so my brain is fucked up and depleted of chemicals. I also started to evade looking into peoples' eyes a lot because I was too ashamed to, and I felt that they might be able to see my sins through my eyes. I also feel a bit of fear when looking at the sky, because if there really was a God in the sky, then I was afraid that they could see my sins through my eyes.
I would like to get a doctor but I simply don't have the money or the conditions to get one and talk about this matter with one. So, I'm really sorry but I feel I can only talk about it here. I would really appreciate any suggestions I could implement to stop what I consider "withdrawal symptoms".
Sorry and thank you to anyone who has read this.
It's a bit of a vent, but more importantly, I need some guidance.
I'm not really sure if it is related, but I got sexually harassed by my grandfather when I was seven. I didn't really realise what was going on at the time, I even laughed at it, because I didn't understand what sexual harassment was at the time, and no one told me. I only realised what had happened when I was 10 or so, from a PSHE lesson in school. I was mortified. Although I didn't get diagnosed for it, I'm pretty sure that I got OCD, and I started making conscious rules by counting to ten and then breathing, and starting suffocating. I saw faces in the walls, and sometimes faces of people who did shit to me would appear and I wouldn't be able to breathe. I felt as though someone was touching me, and I couldn't concentrate on my work, get angry, and start crying. It was as if he was telling me that all I could do was be this shameful bastard who can't even work or contribute to society. I covered myself with a blanket or tried to close my eyes not to see the faces, but the faces would appear in my mind, everywhere. I wanted help, but my mother said "I'm tired, don't tire me out." It was understandable at the time considering that my dad cheated on my mom at that time, with a woman 10yrs younger than her, but that line still stuck with me.
Later on, I knew I would turn insane so I decided to erase some memories or at least that's what I think happened. Maybe I just didn't think of it or something because I didn't have it anymore after I "erased" it. I also forgot how my voice sounded like for a bit, so I experimented with which voice to use and found a lower voice was easier on the throat so I chose that.
Then, somehow, I had gotten addicted to pornography and the like when I was 10. Half of it maybe was that I wanted my grandfather to experience the same sense of shame I did as revenge, but I obviously couldn't do that considering my size, power and my mother (the grandfather who did it was on my mother's side). So, maybe I decided I could vent as I wish with p*rn. The other half of it was the s*xual "high". I would read more extreme and disgusting things
(kinky things, NSFW things, abusive things etc.)
I don't read p*rn anymore because I know it's disgusting, and it's only going to make me disgusting. I am a disgusting monster and I hate myself for it . I wish I hadn't ruined my life like that. Now my mindset is ruined for life in a twisted concoction of lust, revenge, regret, self-hatred and disgust.
Also, I am struggling to quit m*sturbating. Without it, I seem to have some kind of withdrawal symptoms like feeling blood pumping through my veins so much it feels uncomfortable and I start trembling, hot flushes, reacting to things that aren't even remotely close to sex or anything as if my body is trying to make up for the lack of dopamine(although I am not a man), saliva build up for no apparent reason etc. It felt as though I got this because I got too many highs at such a young age so my brain is fucked up and depleted of chemicals. I also started to evade looking into peoples' eyes a lot because I was too ashamed to, and I felt that they might be able to see my sins through my eyes. I also feel a bit of fear when looking at the sky, because if there really was a God in the sky, then I was afraid that they could see my sins through my eyes.
I would like to get a doctor but I simply don't have the money or the conditions to get one and talk about this matter with one. So, I'm really sorry but I feel I can only talk about it here. I would really appreciate any suggestions I could implement to stop what I consider "withdrawal symptoms".
Sorry and thank you to anyone who has read this.
