Venting I think I might be a pedo

[peerlesscucumber]

do you have problems inhibiting impulses generally?

like when I am shopping, I sometimes think "why do I work so hard and pay for things? I could just steal this shit!" and then I fantasize about putting a large can of pringles under my jacket and running out the store

i don't actually steal things. i just like the idea of it. I probably won't ever go to a store and steal chips and I will literally always fantasize about shop-lifting, like that will never stop. it also doesn't bother me. i think stealing is unethical, so i'm not going to steal chips unless it's a really bad situation (like i am hungry, out of work, and have no money and don't have any way to make money at all)

Are you someone that is good at controlling impulses? Like if you thought about stealing chips, would you likely at some point say "fuck it, I need those chips!" If you are at a bar or getting intoxicated, do you think "I probably shouldn't have 1 more, but fuck it!" Do you ever think "I need to eat healthier, but I'm going to buy a bag of candy and eat all of it!"

Are you someone who can't control your urges?

I don't think it's that I have a problem with impulse, I genuinely think I wouldn't every harm a child in any way.
But the mere thoughts that form in my mind are what disgust me.
No normal person even thinks about the things that appear in my mind, and that's what disgusts me.
It's not that I might act on my thoughts what scare me, it's that I'm scared that I'm a monster just because I have these thoughts

I can relate because I was scared of the fantasies of domination I had as a child and I have always thought of myself as someone who is protecting others from them.

I saw this movie when I was very concerned about the "being a monster" thing. Maybe it helps.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Woodsman_(film)

TYSM!!! I'll be sure to check it out as soon as I can

 

[needthebus]

I don't think it's that I have a problem with impulse, I genuinely think I wouldn't every harm a child in any way.
But the mere thoughts that form in my mind are what disgust me.
No normal person even thinks about the things that appear in my mind, and that's what disgusts me.
It's not that I might act on my thoughts what scare me, it's that I'm scared that I'm a monster just because I have these thoughts

TYSM!!! I'll be sure to check it out as soon as I can

people don't choose their biological state

a monster wouldn't feel moral anguish about this like you do

you should try to stay alive

 

[Deleted member 94706]

May I ask have you ever found children attractive before or do you think you do? You say you had this before puberty so you would have been a child at the time, so wouldn't being attracted to other children at that time be normal? Also "enjoying these thoughts" might be your mind tricking you which sounds dumb, there is such thing as an ocd gronial response. You say you think you MIGHT be a pdf which could just be ocd.

 

[Cress]

This is one of the main reasons I think I'm drawn to CBT.
I don't know if this developed because of my past traumas and high exposure to porn media back when I was very young, but these thoughts have plagued me for years, even before puberty.

It's not only attraction, these thoughts and images of me doing these terrible things to Innocent people. And sometimes, I even catch myself enjoying them like the sicko I am

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't ever do these things to anyone in real life, but I just had to take this off my chest. I've been told off by many because of my weird sexual tastes since I was born a woman, so I never had the chance to even hint to anyone of my sick thoughts

The good news is if you're aware of it Then it's absolutely possible to seek treatment before it ever becomes a significant issue. If you have past traumas from being abused as a child Then it's in your best interest to seek therapy for that. In terms of high exposure to porn media when you were young I don't know if there is any proven correlation With evidence that has a propensity to cause people to like children. However being abused by an adult when you're A child is a strong predictor of someone abusing a child later in life and continuing that cycle as that's well documented.

 

[peerlesscucumber]

May I ask have you ever found children attractive before or do you think you do? You say you had this before puberty so you would have been a child at the time, so wouldn't being attracted to other children at that time be normal?

I realize I didn't word that very clearly haha...
When I refered to my thoughts before puberty I was referring more to the "mon-consensual sexual/violent" thoughts more than the child-liker issue

 

[justamirror]

OCD. Very common for disturbing thoughs to plague you. The difference is if you ever really desire this or act upon rather than recoil from such thoughts. From what you said its not something you ever think you could do. You are suffering from a very difficult mental illness. Your NOT a monster. Your a creature born to suffer - human :(

 

[Deleted member 94706]

I realize I didn't word that very clearly haha...
When I refered to my thoughts before puberty I was referring more to the "mon-consensual sexual/violent" thoughts more than the child-liker issue

How do you know if this is real attraction or just ocd? Is there anything that has convinced you this is real?

 

[BlackMoon]

You're not a monster just because of your thoughts or desires. We become monsters by our acts.

I would like to advise you to reach a professional about this to help you clarify if it's POCD or a real attraction to children, but sadly I know how much it's hard to seek for help while fearing the consequences (hate, reject, etc).

I'm not saying this to make you change your choice or anything like that, I just want you to know you don't have to feel guilty about your thoughts and you're not the only one, and you deserve the help our society sadly lack to give you.

 

[birthdayboy]

I have OCD and while mine doesn't manifest the same way, I immediately thought "yep, sounds like some type of OCD" as soon as I read your post, so I agree with what the others are telling you that it's most likely some type of OCD. I can't access proper counseling either, but I was forced into the psych ward once which was the first time I encountered this, and I've been in some online OCD groups as well, and there are always people there who have the exact same types of violent intrusive thoughts you're describing in your post.

I don't really have anything to add beyond reinforcing that thoughts alone aren't causing any harm to those around you. I'm glad you're planning to read some books, and maybe you can find some good communities with people who experience similar things. There are valid reasons to CTB, and I'd be the last person to lecture you about what counts as valid for you, but my immediate personal impression is that this seems like something you can find ways to cope with.

 

[Kadaver]

For starters, I am a gay man. I haven't even kissed a female in my 40-some years. That is how gay I am. So for a straight woman to call me homophobic is laughable. You do not speak for me. I am not encouraging anyone to do anything. I am being honest and upfront. I am not going to lie to them and say everything will be okay with your problem and maybe tell them to start praying to Jesus. This is a place where there are directions on how to kill yourself lol. I did a short term in prison and I can honestly say that if you gave every inmate a gun loaded with one bullet that they could only use on themselves then like 90% of them would kill themselves.

And yes, if you look at the common child molester, they are in fact bisexual. Most molesters who molest boys are usually married or date women. Most guys on gay date apps are bisexual and those are the guys who get busted for trying to meet a 14yo girl. They are primarily attracted to women but can't get one so they go for what they can get.

Bro…these are some trash takes ngl

 

[xandermax]

The soft option

More than 100 British sex offenders have volunteered for 'chemical castration'. But do the drugs really make them harmless? Decca Aitkenhead goes behind bars to find out

www.theguardian.com

It's not just for sex offenders. Men who can't stop seeing sex workers despite being married have been known to go on it voluntarily.

 

[peerlesscucumber]

The soft option

More than 100 British sex offenders have volunteered for 'chemical castration'. But do the drugs really make them harmless? Decca Aitkenhead goes behind bars to find out

www.theguardian.com

It's not just for sex offenders. Men who can't stop seeing sex workers despite being married have been known to go on it voluntarily.

Believe me, I already looked into this option!! But chemical castration is isn't a very common practice in the country where I'm from, and it'd be even harder for me since I wasn't born a man (even more uncommon case). Getting the means necessary for me to have access to it would mean the waste of too much money + my family would most likely be notified of my situation one way or another

 

[Deleted member 94706]

For starters, I am a gay man. I haven't even kissed a female in my 40-some years. That is how gay I am. So for a straight woman to call me homophobic is laughable. You do not speak for me. I am not encouraging anyone to do anything. I am being honest and upfront. I am not going to lie to them and say everything will be okay with your problem and maybe tell them to start praying to Jesus. This is a place where there are directions on how to kill yourself lol. I did a short term in prison and I can honestly say that if you gave every inmate a gun loaded with one bullet that they could only use on themselves then like 90% of them would kill themselves.

And yes, if you look at the common child molester, they are in fact bisexual. Most molesters who molest boys are usually married or date women. Most guys on gay date apps are bisexual and those are the guys who get busted for trying to meet a 14yo girl. They are primarily attracted to women but can't get one so they go for what they can get.

What do you mean go with what they can get? Most guys are straight especially younger kids,