I think I have to kill myself because I ruined my life (as in my body)

[ultrasharpy123456]

It all started when I had a little cough like 3 years ago. I was stupid and believed it would go away but it didn't. It finally got so big by 07/27/2022 that I had to ask my mom to go to the hospital but we went to urgent care instead. They prescribed me some medications for my cough which I took but not really on the schedule (even though I tried to follow it as much as I could).

I felt numbness in my arm the next day and I went to the hospital myself. They asked if I wanted medicine for the tension I felt in m head o a MRI. I should've asked for the MRI. So I took the medicine and I thin that's especially what ruined me. I also barely got sleep because I stayed up kinda playing video games and that ruined my brain.

Not to mention I was practicing the carotid/korean method and that's what helped give me brain damage. I think I have brain damage and neuropathy.

I also have another problem: my penis, testicles, and I think my digestive system is having problems. I have an infection in my penis and testicles. I started to feel pains in my penis and testicles about 3-4 weeks ago. The skin on my penis still looks normal but now it's more wrinkly or I'm not sure how to describe it. I think my poop stinks a whole lot more.

I used to feel a lot of numbness in my legs and arms. I don't feel them as much or anymore. My dreams are getting very vivid. I'm also suffering confusion and derealization. I've felt pains in my left eye and behind my head. I also think I'm starting to see some dots and I've seen some lights in my eyes.

I also tried to cut my internal jugular vein but I aimed at the wrong spot. When I was cutting I put hand sanitizer on my blades. I think my cuts might be infected but once I got in the house I was sure to take a shower.

I think my nervous system is damaged and my body might be shutting down. I live with my mom, my brother, and my sister. I don't have any money becuase I don't have a job becuase of my stupidity and my fear. I'm getting a new ID that's coming in the mail in about 8 days. I don't have a car.

I told my mom about all my problems. I also told my brother about it. The only one I didn't tell was my sister. My brother said to do what you can to try to delay these symptoms and my mother wants me to wait for a diagnosis from my doctor which is on September 2nd. I don't even know if I will be a functioning human by the 2nd. I think I need to get a brain surgery immediately and become a vegetable with an amputated lower body.

I'm scared and I don't know what to.

My skin on my hands is also tightening and when I clench my fists it causes my hands to get cuts. Is it too late for me? Can they fix me or should I just catch he bus (suicide)? I think I should just ctb.
The reason my mom says not to call 911 is because they will put me in a psych ward. At this point I really messed myself up and I just need to get whatever it is in my body out of it. I really not mind being a coma. I know I'm typing casually but what I'm going through is really bad. I don't know what to do.

I did make my korean method collar and I know where to hit. So maybe I should just ctb.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so awful what you are going through. To me it really is so horrifying that our bodies are capable of torturing us to such great extents. Life is just too cruel. I hope that in whatever happens you find relief from your suffering.

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

Thanks, Funeral Cry. It's actually my fault what I did to myself. I have no idea why I did the things I did. When my mom and sister were trying to help me (and my brother but he's much better off than I am) find a job, I refused. I kept refusing. And the thing is it's not like I wasn't searching because I was. And ONLY NOW did I wake up and realize my mistake. The thing is m family and I are on so much better terms now. The only problem is now... my health.

I just joined facebook groups last month for ACTUAL jobs. They're remote jobs but they are real jobs this time not scams. They have virtual assistant, customer email support jobs, etc. The only problem is I had no idea I would be getting ALL these diseases.

Also I have a tooth ache (I think it's much more than a toothache) and I've had this problem for months but never got it checked out because I thought I could kill myself before then. This was when I thought the korean method was easy... and IT IS easy but the problem is you need to know WHERE to compress the arteries on the neck. And you need a good tourniquet.

I had a 3d printed version of 2bearcolossus (I think that's the name's) collar but it never worked for me so I threw it out. Now I have a new collar made of shoe lace following this one pdf's tutorial and I'm certain it works.

The only issue I have now is I need to actually use it.

It all started with the cough. If I got that taken care of 3 years ago, had self-discipline, and got a job I would have been much better. And I also never should have used the lingerie I made for myself that I never washed to masturbate.
So I had numbness in my arms and in my face and body. I felt significant pain in my eyes (behind my eyes) and ears. M body has some spasms and twitches sometimes but now not s much. Do you think I have brain damage?
I feel so stupid for posting this but I don't even know what to do. All I know is it's too late for me. I'd need a miracle at this point. The craziest thing is that I look completely normal. Nobody can even tell if I have any problems or not. They only thought I needed to work out and had a bad cough and tbh I hope that's all it is.