I think I have to do it tonight

[Cantbereal]

It's not the way I want to do it I'm not sure it's going to work it's very selfish but I have no other way my physical illness has debilitated me to the point where I can no longer be in this world my body is being crushed my muscles are tightened to the point of I feel like I'm in a vice 24/7 I have dyskinesia dystonia akathisia fibromyalgia gadolinium poisoning severe mental health and brain damage from the meds and the list goes on my family is left me because they don't know what to do for me my doctor has almost fired me because I was taking more medicine than I should because I can't live in this amount of pain I hope that it works and I hope that I can get out of the house to do it I don't know why I'm writing this I just need out the pills won't work the hanging didn't work I just I've never thought I'd come to this point in my life where I would be thinking about this I thought I'd be a grandmother I have a grandson that's over a year old I've never met because it triggers me to know it it's very hard to explain it's like a d realization depersonalization like I'm not even a person before I was cold turkey off my benzo my brain is severely damaged and no one understands I don't know if I want you to wish me well just maybe encouragement and that I don't feel because I can and up in the psych ward that's what made all this happen to begin with
Big Pharma did this specifically benzo

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so incredibly horrific and torturous what you go through, I hope that you find freedom from your suffering.

 

[Cantbereal]

It is inhumane and when I try to describe it even to my husband who is my caretaker I'm in bed all the time I can't even eat sitting up yet he thinks like I'm exaggerating it like my brain is so damaged that if I even hold my phone it hurts I have rheumatoid arthritis also and my fingers turn into gnarled stuff fingers that can't move and it's just the look like if I wipe my ass it feels like I broke my arm if I lay in my bed it feels like I'm laying on concrete like these are just some of the things that happened from being taken away from Klonopin being taken away from my body and it just went downhill from there doctors adding medicines. The way that I'm going to have to die is probably going to be painful and scary as hell whether or not I live through it but I'm already living through hell right now and I'm also scared to go to hell and I'm believing Jesus so much and I love him so much and I pray that you forgives me thank you for your kind words
I'm scared because I don't know if I can make it out of the house to even get to where I need to go and I don't want to hurt anyone else in the meanwhile but I need out I'm just going to jump in front of a tractor trailer I live like 3 minutes from a busy highway and I know people are going to say that selfish and I'm going to put other people in harm and I just I can't I can't go one more second I've been living like this for 5 years and it's just gotten it's gotten to the point where in the last month something happened to my brain and now it's crushing my body and I can't keep my head or my limbs still when I lay down my legs Crush my hips Crush they all feel like they're going to explode my abdomen tenses up so much I can't eat anything 105 lb a malnourished hospitalized for ketoacidosis and nobody can help me sorry I just if this is my last day on Earth I want somebody to hear me that's not my husband and thinks that I'm over exaggerating I wish I could send him a link to this I can't even lift my arms above my head I can't cook for myself I can't wipe my own ass and I can't eat food because I have histamine problems it hurts my belly I can't digest right I've gastroparesis I have everything I think I have Lupus too

 

[rotciv]

You were one of the rare unlucky people who had serious problems with benzo withdrawal, but the positive side is that you found this site and can learn how to get out of this world painlessly if you are ever ready. Unfortunately, there are reports of people who were left with permanent sequelae and lived in daily torture. Life is unfair, but all of us from dust came and to dust we return.

 

[BlackEyedDog]

I am so sorry for what you have been enduring. So much pain and suffering, I hope you can find a peaceful way out.

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

I was severely injured, extreme brain damage also. I am sorry I could not be more help to you. you aren't alone in the damage or what you are doing to escape it. I especially relate to wanting more of life and not being able to ever have it. I had a life too and dreams like you. it's so tragic and without the poisons, we could have lived.

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

OP? Are you still here? Has anyone heard from them? They were messaging me privately but I haven't heard back..
Does anyone know what happened?

 

[suffering_mo]

She reached out so she's still here for now.

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

She reached out so she's still here for now.

Yes I received a message thank you

 

[Cantbereal]

I need to get in front of the truck. Shoulder is on right most tricks drive left Lane. Dont respond if you say I'm selfish will injure others. This is my only way out unless you travel to me. With a gun or N. I'm chronically progressively suck beyond human comprehension. I need to know how to get out in front of the truck

 

[PanaxMan]

I need to get in front of the truck. Shoulder is on right most tricks drive left Lane. Dont respond if you say I'm selfish will injure others. This is my only way out unless you travel to me. With a gun or N. I'm chronically progressively suck beyond human comprehension. I need to know how to get out in front of the truck

Goodluck. Anyone with something wrong with their head and cant fix it has a choice to CTB. We all will die anyway.

 

[HD72]

Goodluck. Anyone with something wrong with their head and cant fix it has a choice to CTB. We all will die anyway.

You were one of the rare unlucky people who had serious problems with benzo withdrawal, but the positive side is that you found this site and can learn how to get out of this world painlessly if you are ever ready. Unfortunately, there are reports of people who were left with permanent sequelae and lived in daily torture. Life is unfair, but all of us from dust came and to dust we return.

Sadly most of us don't have a way out.

It is inhumane and when I try to describe it even to my husband who is my caretaker I'm in bed all the time I can't even eat sitting up yet he thinks like I'm exaggerating it like my brain is so damaged that if I even hold my phone it hurts I have rheumatoid arthritis also and my fingers turn into gnarled stuff fingers that can't move and it's just the look like if I wipe my ass it feels like I broke my arm if I lay in my bed it feels like I'm laying on concrete like these are just some of the things that happened from being taken away from Klonopin being taken away from my body and it just went downhill from there doctors adding medicines. The way that I'm going to have to die is probably going to be painful and scary as hell whether or not I live through it but I'm already living through hell right now and I'm also scared to go to hell and I'm believing Jesus so much and I love him so much and I pray that you forgives me thank you for your kind words
I'm scared because I don't know if I can make it out of the house to even get to where I need to go and I don't want to hurt anyone else in the meanwhile but I need out I'm just going to jump in front of a tractor trailer I live like 3 minutes from a busy highway and I know people are going to say that selfish and I'm going to put other people in harm and I just I can't I can't go one more second I've been living like this for 5 years and it's just gotten it's gotten to the point where in the last month something happened to my brain and now it's crushing my body and I can't keep my head or my limbs still when I lay down my legs Crush my hips Crush they all feel like they're going to explode my abdomen tenses up so much I can't eat anything 105 lb a malnourished hospitalized for ketoacidosis and nobody can help me sorry I just if this is my last day on Earth I want somebody to hear me that's not my husband and thinks that I'm over exaggerating I wish I could send him a link to this I can't even lift my arms above my head I can't cook for myself I can't wipe my own ass and I can't eat food because I have histamine problems it hurts my belly I can't digest right I've gastroparesis I have everything I think I have Lupus too

I have everything you have including the gastroparesis. I have no one but my elderly mother. I will be thrown in a terrible Medicaid facility I'm terrified.

 

[Yoyo_honeybee]

Are you still here? Have the doctors not been able to help after the damage?

 

[Cantbereal]

Still here. Its pharma damage. No they haven't. 5 years and am progressively snownallling bc more meds were added. Suffer inhumanely. I'm planning on tomorrow night it's a risky method but I have nothing else. Ty for replying.

 

[Cantbereal]

I've been sedating myself until I can ctb. I just had a really bad dream where I had the most horrific panic attack and woke up to it. I'm wondering if I'm having subconscious SI? How can you push yourself past the SI because I have to do this? I woke up shaking it was a dream about somebody was letting all the dogs over new in my life out and they are running around the streets and my method is to walk into traffic so this has to be panicked from the SI subconsciously. I have to CTB either tonight or tomorrow and I don't want to be in panic attack till then any hints or helpful suggestions

 

[HD72]

I've been sedating myself until I can ctb. I just had a really bad dream where I had the most horrific panic attack and woke up to it. I'm wondering if I'm having subconscious SI? How can you push yourself past the SI because I have to do this? I woke up shaking it was a dream about somebody was letting all the dogs over new in my life out and they are running around the streets and my method is to walk into traffic so this has to be panicked from the SI subconsciously. I have to CTB either tonight or tomorrow and I don't want to be in panic attack till then any hints or helpful suggestions

Please let me know how you are. I am in the same pain.
I'm scared. Please. Help me. Someone help me.

 

[lizzywizzy09]

Please let me know how you are. I am in the same pain.
I'm scared. Please. Help me. Someone help me.

I'd love to help you. I feel exactly the same way. Sending hugs to both you and op.

 

[suffering_mo]

@Izzo 5617

 

[lkjhgfdsa1]

Please let me know how you are. I am in the same pain.
I'm scared. Please. Help me. Someone help me.

me too