Nekoko
New Member
- May 17, 2025
- 1
I am a trans woman from finland and gone through a lot of shit in my life, drug abuse to just keep me going for years, my mother dying when I was 15 and then getting disowned by my father when I turned 18 and decided to transition, abuse in my childhood since kindergarten and by my father always when I lived with him, very heavy physical bullying at school such as daily beatings, getting raped a couple of years ago, by my ex husband who I was together with for 15 years but I could not have the willpower to get ouf ot the situation. I felt stuck. Worked few years a very exhausting physical job (not a full hours one even).
But then I met woman in earlier this year who I immediatily clicked in with and we had so much wonderful time that I got the courage to leave my rapist husband to move together to another city with her in summer and with her polycule, she has like 5 other girlfriends but none of them are together with me. Things did not turn out that well. When I moved here I started full time job which made me really unstable causing conflicts often, work times starting at late night with 10 hours shifts and right now I am in a situation which has made me lose all my will to live.
Shes been forcing me so hard to do to things I which make me feel really devastated and never has been willing to compromise. Recently she broke up with me because I could not just accept her constant demands when she was forcing me to do them, was not mentally ready to do so in such a pace. I feel so lonely and tbh really suicidal. The polycule mobbed me and forced me to give up my only relief that is SN few weeks ago, and 10 minutes after she forced me to either cancel or transfer the japan trip which was supposed to be in one week from now and it has always have been something really important to me. Thing that has been keeping me going and I had been looking forward to since beginning of this year.
Shes telling me that shes willing to give me a chance again together "sometime", but rarely even communicates with me anymore. Also I had to go for a long sick leave a month ago which has made my income plummet as well. The apartment I live in I dont even have an official sub-rental contract with since I assumed I could keep working.
I am so tired of everything and I dont see a way out other than suicide anymore. Sorry about this long and very incomprehensible rant, its such a hard thing to write about. I am sure theres even more I cannot even process enough to write about right now. Im in therapy but its not really helping with the sitution and I have only free 2 sessions left. Moving out is something which I am not really mentally or even financially prepared to do either. I barely have any friends as well.
Im also being forced to hide my suicidality as well. Thinking of methods not involving SN which would be sufficient enough to end it all.
But then I met woman in earlier this year who I immediatily clicked in with and we had so much wonderful time that I got the courage to leave my rapist husband to move together to another city with her in summer and with her polycule, she has like 5 other girlfriends but none of them are together with me. Things did not turn out that well. When I moved here I started full time job which made me really unstable causing conflicts often, work times starting at late night with 10 hours shifts and right now I am in a situation which has made me lose all my will to live.
Shes been forcing me so hard to do to things I which make me feel really devastated and never has been willing to compromise. Recently she broke up with me because I could not just accept her constant demands when she was forcing me to do them, was not mentally ready to do so in such a pace. I feel so lonely and tbh really suicidal. The polycule mobbed me and forced me to give up my only relief that is SN few weeks ago, and 10 minutes after she forced me to either cancel or transfer the japan trip which was supposed to be in one week from now and it has always have been something really important to me. Thing that has been keeping me going and I had been looking forward to since beginning of this year.
Shes telling me that shes willing to give me a chance again together "sometime", but rarely even communicates with me anymore. Also I had to go for a long sick leave a month ago which has made my income plummet as well. The apartment I live in I dont even have an official sub-rental contract with since I assumed I could keep working.
I am so tired of everything and I dont see a way out other than suicide anymore. Sorry about this long and very incomprehensible rant, its such a hard thing to write about. I am sure theres even more I cannot even process enough to write about right now. Im in therapy but its not really helping with the sitution and I have only free 2 sessions left. Moving out is something which I am not really mentally or even financially prepared to do either. I barely have any friends as well.
Im also being forced to hide my suicidality as well. Thinking of methods not involving SN which would be sufficient enough to end it all.
