museumofthunder
my final bellyache
- Sep 9, 2023
- 19
I've been posting on this account for a while now. I had a full plan to end my life in April of 2023. I was in the middle of undergrad and a slew of illnesses. I was in an emotionally/verbally abusive household and I couldn't see a way out. Honestly, I had no hope of things getting better. I thought I would never escape.
I ended up not going through with my plan. Instead, I turned in my homework that night half-finished and went to sleep. I graduated a year later in 2024 with honors. It wasn't all perfect. I had to work a crappy retail job for a bit. I got rejected from graduate school. I struggled to pay my rent. Nonetheless, I persisted.
In 2025, my then-boyfriend proposed-- I said yes. All we had was a ring from Etsy and a Pokemon card saying "will you marry me?" And that was all we needed. Later on, I ended up finding a new job with a small but stable salary. I ended up discovering a passion in that career field, one that helps me wake up everyday. I wished for a cat for my 24th birthday, and we ended up adopting one together. She's the joy of my life.
Now, we've made plans to get married in 3 weeks. I am beyond happy. I can't help but reflect on all this while I crochet my wedding bouquet. It's not always perfect or easy but it's so much better. For the first time in my life, I have hope. It's beautiful. It's going to be a spring themed wedding. My bouquet has every color of the rainbow. For me, this day is a celebration of love-- and life. I am so happy I stayed alive for this. I am so happy. I don't know what the future holds. My depression may always be lingering somewhere; it does scare me. But my joy in this moment outweighs the fear. I can't wait to see what my life is going to look like.
I ended up not going through with my plan. Instead, I turned in my homework that night half-finished and went to sleep. I graduated a year later in 2024 with honors. It wasn't all perfect. I had to work a crappy retail job for a bit. I got rejected from graduate school. I struggled to pay my rent. Nonetheless, I persisted.
In 2025, my then-boyfriend proposed-- I said yes. All we had was a ring from Etsy and a Pokemon card saying "will you marry me?" And that was all we needed. Later on, I ended up finding a new job with a small but stable salary. I ended up discovering a passion in that career field, one that helps me wake up everyday. I wished for a cat for my 24th birthday, and we ended up adopting one together. She's the joy of my life.
Now, we've made plans to get married in 3 weeks. I am beyond happy. I can't help but reflect on all this while I crochet my wedding bouquet. It's not always perfect or easy but it's so much better. For the first time in my life, I have hope. It's beautiful. It's going to be a spring themed wedding. My bouquet has every color of the rainbow. For me, this day is a celebration of love-- and life. I am so happy I stayed alive for this. I am so happy. I don't know what the future holds. My depression may always be lingering somewhere; it does scare me. But my joy in this moment outweighs the fear. I can't wait to see what my life is going to look like.
