I think I have a new crush...

[noname223]

The last two times at my self-help group there was a new woman there. She looks pretty good. She is also really my type. She is friends with the chemistry master student I once dated. They know each other from a clinic stay (which I suggested to the chemistry master student).

The thing is I get easily paranoid when I meet women. I called them love delusions. I interpret a lot in facial expressions and minor gestures. And always when I realize it was a delusion it makes me very depressed and suicidal. This happened quite some times in my self-help group. Interestingly, the only women where I did not have love delusions Was the chemistry master student. But actually she was the one with the most interest in me. Which is ironic and might prove that my thinking when it comes to women rather distorted is. I have to internalize that.

Though I thought the New woman I did not understand her name clearly considered me funny because she laughed when I cracked some jokes.

After the first meeting I thought she is interesting but probably not interested in me anyway. I don't even know whether she has a bf. At the second meeting something interesting happened. She opened up that she had a psychosis. And exactly the same diagnosis as me. She even Was in the same clinic with all these junkies.

This opened the Chance for an interesting conversation. We talked in the Group mostly. I Was talkative but I think I am good at that. Bullshitting people how smart I Was. But I dropped some good jokes. We also talked how stigmatized psychosis are.

After the meeting something even more interesting happened. Our group split the chemistry master student intialized that. And I was alone with her. I did not freeze which sometimes happens. I Was able to talk with her. I think our chemistry was good.

Something I am really confused. I thought the chemistry master student might still be interested me after I friendzoned her. She has a bf and plays games with Boys and I don't want to participate in that. I wonder though if she wants to couple me and her friend. I might saved her relationship with my advice that she should stick to her bf. Who knows?

I think key Issues of mine are. My mind exaggerates how much my Crush is interested in me. We had really good conversations but we only met twice thus far. We have not exchanged phone numbers yet. But maybe the experience of psychosis unites us? I did want to ask for her number maybe this would have been too early?

She told the group during her psychosis she had a strong fear of being raped. She also has PTSD. I think I can make a rhyme out of that. Does this idiom exist on English? Maybe she looks for a partner that is empathic and understanding on this issue. However, I think of a woman looks that good she can choose a partner basically. She also told me she still has some paranoid thoughts from time to time. They did not fully disappear. We were both at the Bus station surrounded by others. Does this imply she Was scared that I might rape her? (or that a stranger would do it?) I did not get this feeling of her though.

I see a real problem though. She currently stops taking her antipsychotic medication and from my experience, from the experience of most people I met this is a pretty bad mistake. I suggested her to wait with that. We sadly had no time to fully discuss it and I did not want to mansplain to her. I don't know the motives for that. Side effects are often a personal issue. Maybe one time I will never See her again because she hospitalized because of a new psychosis. I hope I can get her number beforehand.

 

[noname223]

I think so much about her. It sort of becomes obsessive and I sort of idealize her way too much. It becomes more and more a love delusion. I wish I had her number.

The first time I had psychosis I always thought I had to search for a partner with a similar experience. Because we would know the difficulties.

She even was in the same clinic for people with psychosis. We talked about the staff members.

Why Do I get no more matches on my dating apps? It could help me to cope if she rejects me. Or maybe she even has a bf...

 

[Yavannah]

you could ask the chemistry master student if her friend has a bf if you are afraid to ask yourself.
do you still have her number?
its definitely easier asking via text message

 

[noname223]

you could ask the chemistry master student if her friend has a bf if you are afraid to ask yourself.
do you still have her number?
its definitely easier asking via text message

I still have the phone number of the chemistry master student but I think it would be better to ask her in person. We take the same bus when we want to head home. Thanks a lot!

 

[noname223]

It could be a love delusion. I try not to get my hopes up. And I barely know her. I just had way too many love delusions in that group. I hope for the best but prepare for the worst. I certainly need more sleep.

 

[noname223]

Okay I was not sure what the reality is.

One thing is for sure. They try to ship us. The chemistry master student tries to couple us. And fuck I still don't know her name. I think I might could ask one of the people that try to ship us. I was too scared to ask for her phone number. We were alone. I said to her well we have a WhatsApp group and then her bus came. I am so stupid I should have asked earlier. We were Both baffled how they let us alone.

The really shitty thing. I think she thinks I am too dependent on my parents financially and that I will never have a job. But is the truth I tried to hide it. This is the issue with my openess. I don't know when to shut up.

I am so thankful to the chemistry master student but we all know I will fuck it up anyway.

I had the feeling the new woman had less interest today. And it means I am actually imprisoned in college when I don't want to look like a complete failure.

It is probably good being friends with women. They try to ship you even when you once dated.

It feels surreal for me.

There was plenty of time I had so much time to ask her for her number. But I did not know whether it was appropriate. I was a little bit stunned how obvious they want to couple us. (However now I more think she waited for it.) And I did not know whether this makes her uncomfortable. What if I don't get the Chance again? She was more quiet today.

 

[noname223]

If she comes again to the self-help group I will see her tomorrow.
There was another woman I was slightly interested in a course I quit. But I think this was either paranoid or she had wrong perception of me. I think that she considered me really smart. She did not know how few courses I had. I think I will never see her again.

I tell this anecdote because it makes me feel like I should not fuck it up with woman from the self-help group. At the same this is an irrational thought. I think whether we match is dependent on several factors I cannot determine.

I won't announce tomorrow in the self-help group that I quit all courses. But I will say that I consider it. If she does not want to be together with me because of that I cannot change it.

I think staying in my courses would have produced a severe mental health crisis sooner or later. I noticed that I barely could cope with it with healthy means anymore. It was a ticking time bomb.

Maybe I already fucked it up with her already because last week I opened up that I struggle so so much with college.

I ruminated why she actually is interested in me. Here comes my pathology trying to analyze people/to look into their minds.

I have the feeling the chemistry master student said her something about me. I think she thinks we would match and actively tries to ship us. I wondered with which trairts she advertized me. Maybe she told her that I am deep. My favorite hypothesis. I think I respect boundaries. My crush looks reall really good but has PTSD and psychosis. In her psychosis she was scared to get raped. I had psychosis but with different delusions. It is likely she has SA experiences. After the group we were at he bus station and I had the feeling she liked my behavior but I was not sure what/why exactly. It is speculative. But I think she liked it that I did not try to approach her for example by touching her. We stood close to each other. But I am really careful not to touch women if they don't want that. I would ask for allowance. I think women who are very pretty have to deal with a lot of inappropriate behavior. I don't want to be such a person who makes them uncomfortable.

 

[noname223]

Took some benzos for today's self-help group.

I had some talk with my crush. The most important Thing I have her phone number now. I have an idea in mind about what I could text her. I will probably do it tomorrow.

 

[noname223]

Sadly, it did not work out. Today I sent her a message and I got a very short response. She did not save my number on her phone because I cannot see her profile picture. I sent her a message to her response. And she did not answer.

I think I projected a lot into her. Maybe we would not fit anyway.

I wish it worked out. At the same time I am a little bit relieved to have clarity. If I did not send her that message that would have likely become another love delusion. And I can handle the rejection better since I quit college. The immense pain of college would have ampliffied paranoia and the pain from rejections.

Tomorrow a friend will come and we will do a new photo for my dating profile. I am confused. There was a time where I got at least some matches. But since one month literally nothing and I don't know why it changed.

 

[noname223]

Something weird. I think she saved me in her phone after my second messsage because I can now (not beforehand) see the blue check mark.
I suspect she shows her profile picture and status to noone. It is just a theory. She recently had a psychosis and I had the same thoughts after my first psychosis. Because I could embarrass myself so easily.

But she did not respond to my second message sadly.

 

[noname223]

I might meet her tomorrow again. I think I should not take a benzo just for that. I won't do anything big like asking her out. I will try to interact with her. I think I am too shy. I think most women probably don't even notice me when I am interested in them. I don't want to make them uncomfortable.
I will try to be witty and funny.

I wonder why she actually comes to our meetings. She said something like she does not want to pity herself and it sounded like we would do that in her eyes. She barely says anything. I think I am projected a lot into her because she looks pretty good.

I actually texted with another new member of our group. She is a lesbian Asian woman. She acts really weird. Socially inappropriate. Yesterday she sent me her highschool diploma/certificate out of nowhere.

 

[noname223]

Something extremely cruel and painful happened. So I texted my crush last Tuesday she did not respond much. I think she realized I am Mental wreck that will never be able to work because I spilled the tea in one of our sessions. Could be a paranoid thought though. Today she asked our self-help group which plans we do have for the future. Having a family, having children. Again could be a paranoid thought but I think she asked that to Look whether we fit. I did not position myself in a clear way. I don't want children and I think I am way too unstable for that. The same could apply to her.

The other group members left us alone after the meeting. I noticed my crush felt uncomfortable. And it was sort of awkward. I think she ended the session earlier to get the next bus having to spend less time with me. Could be a paranoid thought though. It Was obvious I had interest in her but not vice versa. She has the habit to ask questions on point but in an extremely unempathic way. She did this numerous times. She did it with other members. I wonder whether she realizes that. She wants to become psychotherapist I think she has to stop that otherwise I feel sorry for her patients. She is working on her bachelor thesis and then she asked the question what I am doing currently. I quitted all courses but have not announced that in the group. This question teared me apart. This question hit me so fucking hard. I Was a little bit stunned she asked that question even though I sort of anticipated something like that. I admitted that I want to change to a remote college. The pain Was pretty intense. Her bus was there. The last times we had conversations until her bus eft. Today I said goodbye to her pretty early so that she leaves me alone. I think it was uncomfortable for her. I don't like the feeling making women uncomfortable.

Jesus Christ I don't know what this means for my suicidality. I have to process that. I think I idealized her way too much. Maybe rationalization is my way to deal with such a rejection of my crush. It is a massive insecurity of mine struggling so much with college. Which could be an indicator all of that is paranoid. My paranoid thought are often influenced by my biggest fears. I feel like a want to cry pretty hard. After the rejection of the chemistry master student I almost killed myself. And it wasn't even a rejection. After my one week in the psychiatry she never learned about the aftermath of her action she was again interested in me. This Was in October. And in January I met a woman from a Dating App and we had an amazing time together. She had Borderline and it collapsed pretty quickly. But for my confidence it was very good.

Bro it hits me so hard. This is why I never approach women in real life it hits me even worse. I barely get likes and matches on dating apps but I might have to cling to that. Holy shit. Tomorrow is therapy I will cry my eyes out. I cannot even actually cry since I take these antipsychotics. I want to kill myself so hard. I am so angry on my parents who abused me.