Idoe.know
Member
- Aug 11, 2022
- 13
Life is so strange. I am so envious of those who have cracked the code and are able to live a fulfilling and meaningful life. I envy those who can put themselves together and achieve their goals. I am envious of those who are able to sustain a life as an individual.
I have always felt I don't belong. Not around others, or even, on my own to survive. Life is too difficult and confusing to navigate and I simply don't understand it. I've been around for 3.5 decades, and I'm still no where near where I should be.
I found out my husband, the man I honestly thought was meant for me and understood me, is cheating. We've only been married two months now, and he's already bored of me. My family all went to an island without me for Easter and didn't bother to invite or even tell me until Easter. That's when they shared videos of them having a great time at a beach. This is common for me not to be invited. My two best friends I've had for so long have also finally abandoned me. They refuse to even talk about me. Lastly, I am currently bedbound due to a work accident. My job is threatening to get rid of me because I cannot work for quite some time.
I am now the most alone I've ever been. This feels like the right time with the right circumstances.
Though I'm in physical pain, the pain I really cannot bear is the emotional. I'm a sensitive person and the accumulation of loss and rejection is drowning me. I know I am a worthless person, but all of these things combined is the final proof. It's as if the universe has lead me to this absolute. This has to be the end. There is no more ahead of me.
As I mentioned, I am currently injured and bed bound. I am unsure what I can all disclose here, but I was prescribed something that relaxes muscles. I have only read of two people successfully passing using these, but I have 3x the daily amount and I believe I can figure out a way to make it work (like drinking alcohol with them or cough medicine to sedate me).
I won't lie. I am nervous, terrified, even. I don't want to vomit it all up or wreck my insides and pass in a slow and painful manner. I'm afraid I'll end up in a coma. I'm afraid of the cadiac arrest I may experience or the convulsions (these are all the side effects I'm aware of). I'm afraid of what may be on the other side after I CTB. Could it be worse than here?
I don't have any more hope. I'm tired of being me. I'm tired of being unloved and ignores. I'm tired of trying my best and failing. Loser is the only word I can really find myself to call. Is there a word for someone that just isn't meant for life?
I have always felt I don't belong. Not around others, or even, on my own to survive. Life is too difficult and confusing to navigate and I simply don't understand it. I've been around for 3.5 decades, and I'm still no where near where I should be.
I found out my husband, the man I honestly thought was meant for me and understood me, is cheating. We've only been married two months now, and he's already bored of me. My family all went to an island without me for Easter and didn't bother to invite or even tell me until Easter. That's when they shared videos of them having a great time at a beach. This is common for me not to be invited. My two best friends I've had for so long have also finally abandoned me. They refuse to even talk about me. Lastly, I am currently bedbound due to a work accident. My job is threatening to get rid of me because I cannot work for quite some time.
I am now the most alone I've ever been. This feels like the right time with the right circumstances.
Though I'm in physical pain, the pain I really cannot bear is the emotional. I'm a sensitive person and the accumulation of loss and rejection is drowning me. I know I am a worthless person, but all of these things combined is the final proof. It's as if the universe has lead me to this absolute. This has to be the end. There is no more ahead of me.
As I mentioned, I am currently injured and bed bound. I am unsure what I can all disclose here, but I was prescribed something that relaxes muscles. I have only read of two people successfully passing using these, but I have 3x the daily amount and I believe I can figure out a way to make it work (like drinking alcohol with them or cough medicine to sedate me).
I won't lie. I am nervous, terrified, even. I don't want to vomit it all up or wreck my insides and pass in a slow and painful manner. I'm afraid I'll end up in a coma. I'm afraid of the cadiac arrest I may experience or the convulsions (these are all the side effects I'm aware of). I'm afraid of what may be on the other side after I CTB. Could it be worse than here?
I don't have any more hope. I'm tired of being me. I'm tired of being unloved and ignores. I'm tired of trying my best and failing. Loser is the only word I can really find myself to call. Is there a word for someone that just isn't meant for life?
