I think I can actually do it

[anothernameless]

Not really worth starting a thread over this but.. I think I can do it. I sometimes try to imagine what I could do to make life worth living. The only things keeping me alive are selfish pleasures like eating myself into obesity, sex addiction behavior, and numbing myself on screens. The obsession I have with someone is pathetic and quite painful. I need to wait a couple more months for a lease to end because I refuse to force my parents to clean out an old apartment. It will be incredibly asshole of me because I am nuking my parents lives. This will devastate them, they had really brutal childhoods themselves and worked tirelessly and selflessly to provide for me..

And that's not enough reason to stay alive, I try not to think of how dirty I'm doing them. I am ruining their lives because frankly I am selfish and have destroyed my life with my compulsive selfishness.

So now I just need to get my hands on meto, I am worried about pulling this off. I can do this, this is what my life has been building to. I don't want to do this to my parents, but this is what my life is, this is the only thing that has ever made sense to me. Everything else I do is just another expression of this.

I'm sure I'll be nervous, hopefully I can find some xanax or other benzos for when the day comes. It feels so far away but so soon. Sometimes I figure I'll wait another year maybe, but the more time that passes the more unliveable I make my life, the more I hate myself, and turn further into this hateful, ugly selfish thing that I am at my core. Not really worth waiting another year of shitty birthdays and loneliness. I wanted to visit my hometown one more time before I go, but maybe it isn't even worth it. Just to revel is painful nostalgia and eat at that pizza place. I don't want to see or speak to anyone anymore. That one person treats me horribly and barely acknowledges my existence.

Earlier my mom was talking about living in different cities, and asked if I wanted to move back to my hometown. I said she could, and she said she wouldn't want to live in a different city than my brother and I. I told her to just figure out where my brother want to live. It made me think of how horrible it this will be for her. Earlier in the week my mom tried to put some pillows next to me and I playfully wouldn't let her put them down, she laughed, it was kinda funny, I think she really enjoyed my presence in that moment. And still as I'm writing I know I could never do anything with my life, I could never be a great writer, I could never do anything exceptional, and my ego will not allow me to live as a pathetic failure.

I hate myself. That is my mantra, I catch myself saying it a number of times a day. It seems strange to say out loud and I don't know if it's entirely true. I hate being alive, I hate what I've done to my life, but I'd probably do it all again the same. I'd take the easy way out, watching too much tv, being addicted to weed for years, never learning to take care of myself. I wouldn't change a thing because I can't, I have always been too weak and I just hope that it ends peacefully and with ease and that after that there is nothing and it isn't scary, strange, or psychedelic. I just hope that it is the fulfillment and extinguishing of whatever this has all been. I can no longer rationally express a reason to keep living, that is because there is no reason for me to be alive. So maybe I can do this one last thing and finally and everything will be exactly as it should be.

 

[logan]

You should definitely change your mantra first.

What positive changes do you expect if you keep saying or thinking such things to yourself?

At least try to say positive things to yourself and see if something changes. You have nothing to lose - only to gain.

 

[cantseethelight]

You should definitely change your mantra first.

What positive changes do you expect if you keep saying or thinking such things to yourself?

At least try to say positive things to yourself and see if something changes. You have nothing to lose - only to gain.

That's a super nice response.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

You should definitely change your mantra first.

What positive changes do you expect if you keep saying or thinking such things to yourself?

At least try to say positive things to yourself and see if something changes. You have nothing to lose - only to gain.

Are they seeking positive changes? It's fine to be somewhat...idk positive...but it's like you didn't listen to what they are saying. 'You should definately change.....etc' can be triggering. You don't sound suicidal and yet you wrote 'finished' or something on 'say a word about how you feel'


To respond to @anothernameless:

I hear you about feeling bad about leaving your mom. I feel bad about this too though mine is estranged. I like the way you explain things and give details on things that happened...like your mom putting pillows down etc.

It really sucks that you feel so stuck. I relate.

I wish things could go better.

 

[anothernameless]

You should definitely change your mantra first.

What positive changes do you expect if you keep saying or thinking such things to yourself?

At least try to say positive things to yourself and see if something changes. You have nothing to lose - only to gain.

I already tried to make positive changes. I did for several years and I don't have any faith in positive affirmations, self help, meditation, or therapy. I actually loath all of those things for falsely giving me hope and for frankly being useless bullshit. If people want to do therapy, 12 steps, meditation, etc. that is their prerogative. I actually believe a meaningful feeling life is possible for a person, I am just too weak and defeated to access these things. I find life too painful, I am too broken. I once believed in enlightenment. That the true meaning of life was to have a nondual awakening experience. especially a Theravada Buddhist informed one. I became traumatized and defeated by those austere practices and unsupportive communities. I had a mentor who was an eccentric psychiatrist and psychoanalyst who was also abusive and runs something like a cult. Being subjected to this person's manipulation and deceit for several years while exploring various spiritual/self help modalities burnt me out and left my mental health eroded.

I don't want to try to get better. I'm done struggling, there's a peace in it. I can never get inspired or excited again. I can occasionally feel some relaxation from eating and watching old movies. Once in a while I get aroused. Sometimes when this girl I have an unhealthy obsession with pays attention to me I can go for runs and eat healthy for a few days. I'm never going to have a family, a profound spiritual experience, or a meaningful life. I will never be able to take care of myself financially or emotionally.

I don't say I hate myself as a conscious mantra, it just comes out. I actually believe I have a pretty strong capacity for wisdom and even potentially equanimity. I just wasn't able to this life. And I hope that this life is all that there is. I hope Buddhism is wrong. I actually hate it, when you really dig into the Suttas and early Buddhism it's just the most harsh and bleak prognostications imaginable. You have to renounce everything and everything is about dispassion for the pleasant, severing craving. Just totally loonies tunes ascetic extremes.

I'm rambling. I wish the movies, the stories, the vices, the culture I was born into was completely corrupted and meaningless. I wanted going to the movies with my family and out to dinner to mean something. I wanted to be able to have a big house and nice things and for that to make me lastingly and meaningfully happy. I wanted a white picket fence and to able to watch movies in my own big house on my own big tv with my own beautiful wife, warm and content, safe and tranquil.

I wanted to get to hold her and never let go. I don't accept that you can want something that much and that it isn't true. I just teared up when I thought about it, about her. I've never been more sure of something in my life.

And now I'm this crazy, ugly person. I don't deserve the only things that could make me happy. I have become completely irrational. I default to bizarrely defeatist mantras and refuse to ever try again. I've been given a once in a universe opportunity and I'm stubbornly committed to squandering it. There's nothing I could ever do with this life, I want to crumple it up and destroy it in a fit of rage like when I used to smash my cellphones out of anger. I want to feel that eerie calm I'd feel for just a few moments after my I was certain my phone was destroyed, but I want it to be about my life. I don't want to feel the regret of the consequences I've earned, just the release of frustration and helplessness. I want destroying myself to be the right thing to do and for it make everything alright and again meaningful. I wanted it to mean I get to be with her forever, to make my parents proud, as proud as they deserve to be, and to never hurt again.

I guess I have no one to talk to. I will never NEVER trust a therapist again. I have no one I can talk to, no real friends. I've ruined every relationship in my life. So I'm just expressing what it is like to be dead already. I don't know when yet, but I hate myself is just another way of saying allow, I accept, I surrender or submit. It's just like ohm or namaste. It's I love my mom and dad and even that I love her and love life. I just hate myself, it's just natural. It just is that way.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much, I understand it is hard to carry on when everything feels hopeless. I live an very pointless existence and I'm not sure I can do it for decades longer. Living really is painful. I wish you well.

 

[anothernameless]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much, I understand it is hard to carry on when everything feels hopeless. I live an very pointless existence and I'm not sure I can do it for decades longer. Living really is painful. I wish you well.

Thanks, ya today is pretty dark, isolating in my basement, hating myself. I'm stressed about finding meto, about having to deal with this apartment situation, with having to wait a few more months. This lease ends at the end of September, my dad's birthday is at the beginning of October. I don't want to ctb too close to my dad's birthday. I know it seems kind of silly, I'm still devastating him whether it's near his birthday or not. Maybe I'm just procrastinating.

One friend texted me today. One of two people outside my family I still talk to. Talk is a strong way of putting it, I just text with them superficial occasionally. There's no one to talk to. I ate chicken wings and junk food last night, I stayed up all night and have slept all day.

Maybe this thread is just a spot for me to sort of gently journal a bit. I'm so angry and irritable today. She hasn't responded to my message in a few days. I hate life.

I wish you well too. I don't know what well would look like. Is it ending it soon, relatively peacefully, on our own timeline and terms? Or is it overcoming out depression and neurosis and living out our natural lives? Potentially finding a quality of meaningfulness amongst the pain and confusion.

It's too late to do something great, even if something great for me would be very modest. just living a simple life, struggling and overcoming struggles. I refuse to try to meditate ever again, and I refuse to have failed at meditation when the benefits and results seemingly exist. I refuse to be a failure and in doing so have condemned myself to failure.

What's your deal? Feel like talking about it? What have you got to lose?

 

[FuneralCry]

What's your deal? Feel like talking about it? What have you got to lose?

Well, I do not have much to say other than life is not for me and I do not want to live until an old age. The thing that is the problem for me is life itself and I wish I was never born. I just prefer the sound of non existence. I guess I am still held here by the SI. I'm sorry your day did not go well and you are suffering, I wish you peace if your decision is to leave.

 

[anothernameless]

I just found the obituary online of my aunt who died when I was six months old. I haven't cried in weeks and I just cried so intensely. I have a picture of her holding me as a baby, sick with cancer, frail. I wish I wasn't hurting her younger sister, my mom, I wish I wasn't failing everyone and everything. I miss my auntie and I never really got to meet her. I wish that I get to be with her in after all of this, that she gets eternal peace and actual paradise. I CANNOT accept that she suffered than disappeared and barely anyone remembers her. She only held me once and I failed her. I never got to know her or remember her. I probably wouldn't feel so strongly if she had lived healthy and I had gotten to know her. I am estranged from most of my extended family. I have had a couple of devastatingly humiliating mental breakdowns and never want to see any of my extended family again. But I've never seen my auntie's grave in my hometown and that is the one thing I would like to do before I go. Yeah I want to have that pizza again and maybe drive by my childhood home. But I've done those things. I've never gotten to visit my auntie, I would love to leave flowers at her grave. I don't know how it's possible to miss someone you never met, but I miss her so much.

I wont leave my room today, This next couple months will be hell. I guess I'll try to watch some old movies. I should go for a jog tonight and get back into working out a bit, but why? There's no reason to apply anymore effort. It's already over, maybe I should rush getting meto and just go before the lease is up. I can't take anymore.