Venting I talked to a hotline last night.

[burrito]

I was so lonely I stayed up until 6am sobbing, you know, the usual. It was very fake, cheer-up, prying responses. I don't even have that from friends. Actually, I dont think I have any friends. My contacts, accounts, they're all gone. Maybe someone misses me. They didn't make me feel loved enough to stay anyway. Regardless, I made myself a new online identity and hope that before I die I can at least make somebody happy. Maybe I can learn how to make content that even makes someone laugh, or think about how ridiculous this world is. I'd only come off as pretentious though. I did cry for help and it wasn't heard, I keep saying that to myself. I love people. I think they're so full of potential. We need people. We need a lot of people with good intentions doing good and we already have them. We have so many humans and if these humans would stop giving birth to "future" doctors, engineers, etc. and accomplish their dreams themselves... I don't really know the end point of what I'm saying. I don't really know the end point of anything and I doubt there is one. But I don't think I'm included.

I don't think I'm included in the human potential. I'm inferior, fundamentally, and I fear it cannot be changed. All I wanted to do and all I value, will it ever make good things happen? I ruin the lives of those around me and they hate me. Everyone hates me. I want a friend so badly but no one will stay when I'm too depressed, too clingy, too distant, arguing, and all my other personality flaws. I want to be involved without being a burden on everybody else. But I am. I am NOT good enough to be with everyone else. I feel like an abused dog just trying to find a home to make its new owner happy, but everyone beats me, and I keep pissing on the carpet in fear.

If I had a friend to tell me what the hotline says, even just that, I think I'd find it easier for me to hold on. They weren't paid for it. They weren't anonymous. We know each other's full names. We would talk about what we are going to change in the world. We would watch documentaries and write stories about a world that is different. We would garden and help stray cats to get their breakfast. Maybe be roommates. Maybe be lovers. We would hug every single morning and hug every single night. I'm confused between friends and partners, because I don't think I have either, and I've never had boundaries.

They told me to join this forum for edgy suicidal teenagers such as myself. Let's see how that goes.

 

[Aponia & Ataraxia]

"Awareness and acknowledgment of the arbitrariness of Dasein is characterized as a state of "thrown-ness" in the present with all its attendant frustrations, sufferings, and demands that one does not choose, such as social conventions or ties of kinship and duty." -- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thrownness

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Centered_world
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autotelic#Flow
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carlo_Michelstaedter#Thought

"Ethical negative-utilitarianism ... attaches value in a distinctively moral sense of the term only to actions which tend to minimise or eliminate suffering. ... It stems from a deep sense of compassion at the sheer scale and intensity of suffering in the world. No amount of happiness or fun enjoyed by some organisms can notionally justify the indescribable horrors of Auschwitz. Nor can it outweigh the sporadic frightfulness of pain and despair that occurs every second of every day." --David Pearce

none of it is your fault, my friend.

 

[burrito]

"Awareness and acknowledgment of the arbitrariness of Dasein is characterized as a state of "thrown-ness" in the present with all its attendant frustrations, sufferings, and demands that one does not choose, such as social conventions or ties of kinship and duty." -- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thrownness

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Centered_world
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autotelic#Flow
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carlo_Michelstaedter#Thought

none of it is your fault, my friend.

I like (relate? am interested in?) the link on autotelic, though it all didn't make much sense to me.

 

[Tiburcio]

I think they're so full of potential.

I used to think the same, and it's very sad they waste their potential deciding to be so harmful.

Apart of this, I understand how you feel inferior because I felt in that way for years. Not now, I decided they are the most low shit and I never again compared myself with one of them.

I learned they put high standards for people and make them feel bad if somebody cannot fulfill that expectations. Almost all them are 100x worse than you or any of us.

I'm sorry you have to feel like this.

 

[burrito]

I used to think the same, and it's very sad they waste their potential deciding to be so harmful.

Apart of this, I understand how you feel inferior because I felt in that way for years. Not now, I decided they are the most low shit and I never again compared myself with one of them.

I learned they put high standards for people and make them feel bad if somebody cannot fulfill that expectations. Almost all them are 100x worse than you or any of us.

I'm sorry you have to feel like this.

I don't want to die before I forgive human nature.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I am NOT good enough to be with everyone else. I feel like an abused dog just trying to find a home to make its new owner happy, but everyone beats me, and I keep pissing on the carpet in fear.

Eeeeeeeeexactly. Couldn't have put it better myself. I guess some people find the hotlines helpful. The first time I called I was a freshman in college. I was lying on the common room floor of my dorm room, my roommates out. I'd been crying hard, very suicidal, very, very lonely. The guy who answered the phone said, after fewer than 3-minutes, "We're really busy. I've gotta go." Then he hung up. Over the years after that, I called hotlines maybe 3 more times. Each time was like stumbling into a hospital ER room with gunshot wounds only to be tossed some BandAids. I've even been yelled at by a worker. If that's what society has as a stop gap, it's no wonder suicide rates keep rising year after year.

I also totally empathize with your yearning for friendship, a place to belong, a community. I've searched my whole life. Never found any. But along the way, I found lots and lots and lots of abuse and exploitation. Mostly by regular people. Too much, though, by "authorities"--the people in charge. And an utterly apathetic, absent government.

Exactly as you said: "NOT good enough to be with everyone else." Thanks for being so vulnerable and honest.

 

[burrito]

Eeeeeeeeexactly. Couldn't have put it better myself. I guess some people find the hotlines helpful. The first time I called I was a freshman in college. I was lying on the common room floor of my dorm room, my roommates out. I'd been crying hard, very suicidal, very, very lonely. The guy who answered the phone said, after fewer than 3-minutes, "We're really busy. I've gotta go." Then he hung up. Over the years after that, I called hotlines maybe 3 more times. Each time was like stumbling into a hospital ER room with gunshot wounds only to be tossed some BandAids. I've even been yelled at by a worker. If that's what society has as a stop gap, it's no wonder suicide rates keep rising year after year.

I also totally empathize with your yearning for friendship, a place to belong, a community. I've searched my whole life. Never found any. But along the way, I found lots and lots and lots of abuse and exploitation. Mostly by regular people. Too much, though, by "authorities"--the people in charge. And an utterly apathetic, absent government.

Exactly as you said: "NOT good enough to be with everyone else." Thanks for being so vulnerable and honest.

I don't think its beyond hope. I just want to have the strength to make the world better for those who still have a stronger will to survive.

"Am I part of the cure or am I part of the disease"

 

[Threads]

The problem is the environment that we're living in doesn't allow us to realize our potential.

It's a false statement that we do not have potential or that we have never had potential. But to argue that the circumstances that were handed to hindered any possibly of us reaching potential is a fair and true argument.

 

[burrito]

The problem is the environment that we're living in doesn't allow us to realize our potential.

It's a false statement that we do not have potential or that we have never had potential. But to argue that the circumstances that were handed to hindered any possibly of us reaching potential is a fair and true argument.

Suicide isn't a fair solution to that argument for everyone. People are more easily persuaded than they'd like to believe. I know majority of us here are making a choice (and told repeatedly not to by others), but a very pro suicide solution can be murderous. I'm not sure anyone has the right to take a life from someone else. A lot of people have a will to live I don't see the point in diminishing. People are going to want to live. That's human nature. When people like myself realize life is shit, well, personally I just want to promote access to condoms with my life in the overpopulation age.

I hope I'm making any sense at all right now, sorry.

 

[AveryConure]

Personally I always liked the word "pro choice" than "pro suicide". Getting to know a few of the users on this forum do I actually truly wish for them to kill themselves? No, cause I guess I'm not totally broken down to think life can still have the potential to be good and everyone here can somehow find another solution rather than ctbing and continue living, but it would be hypocritical of me to tell them the same thing they likely all heard before, especially if I'm going to ctb sooner or later anyways.

Especially given the shitty circumstances a lot here are currently dealing with all you can say is you totally understand why they would feel that way and that hopefully their attempt will be peaceful. Cause if anything we need less gory train suicides anyways for obvious reasons.

 

[burrito]

Personally I always liked the word "pro choice" than "pro suicide". Getting to know a few of the users on this forum do I actually truly wish for them to kill themselves? No, cause I guess I'm not totally broken down to think life can still have the potential to be good and everyone here can somehow find another solution rather than ctbing and continue living, but it would be hypocritical of me to tell them the same thing they likely all heard before, especially if I'm going to ctb sooner or later anyways.

Especially given the shitty circumstances a lot here are currently dealing with all you can say is you totally understand why they would feel that way and that hopefully their attempt will be peaceful. Cause if anything we need less gory train suicides anyways for obvious reasons.

I agree with you.