I talked, I'm stupid

[Nirrend]

Just because I was a bit drunk, just because I was feeling a bit better yesterday and I felt like I could see the light in this nothingness that was swallowing me up. But today hell is returning.

I said everything, my plans for the next few days, how I was going to do it, I even talked about the website.

I fucking hate myself,

so she begs me to go to a psychiatric hospital

But she's understanding, she finds the idea of the site sad but respectable, she doesn't intend to throw away my method

But now I just feel like an idiot, I don't even know how I'm going to get out of this.

I swear, if you're sure to leave, isolate yourself, otherwise you will lose sight of your goal. This is probable my mistake

 

[IntoTheLight]

Sorry to hear that. Let her know that psychiatric hospitals make everything worse and not better.

 

[patpat]

I feel like our minds as humans really fights itself. Weird needs, we want to reach out deep down we want the system to work and we're fixed but its not and we end up back to square one.
The amount of times I've failed and ordered from a food app is ridiculous.
You never need to isolate from us at least.

 

[makethepainstop]

Sometimes we have to be as silent as the tomb about our ctb plans. In my case I am trying to make this the final exit, this time.

 

[onetapgandhi]

Same. Talking really ruins everything

 

[Nirrend]

Sorry to hear that. Let her know that psychiatric hospitals make everything worse and not better.

That's what I read..

Don't know how it will end

 

[👁️👃👁️]

Who did you tell?

 

[The Eeyorish One]

Definitely don't go to a hospital, especially if you're in the USA like me. Not only will you go massively in debt, but those places only make it worse. I don't know your whole situation but I would try to compromise with the person you told. Something like "I'll promise to go to therapy, but not a hospital and here's why…"

 

[universe]

I swear, if you're sure to leave, isolate yourself, otherwise you will lose sight of your goal. This is probable my mistake

You say something very true. It's a real inner battle between what we really want and what society tells us to do. Every time I talk to someone, I feel guilty or it makes me feel weird to tell myself that these people think I'm going to live a long time. It takes me away from my precise CTB plan, and I'm not happier, much to the contrary. So I feel forced to distance myself and distance myself from people. Or to lie because as you say "if you're sure to leave, isolate yourself, otherwise you will lose sight of your goal".
I hope all is well with you, you seem to be going through something difficult. I send you all my prayers.

 

[blue_muse]

I made a similar mistake in telling my relative, who didn't sympathise in the slightest and said I planned on doing it to make others happy.

It's a catch-22 personally, because I tell others "You're attention-seeking" or "You're being manipulative by threatening suicide, just to make people change". Therefore, I've learned to press on with my plans quietly.

 

[Nirrend]

Who did you tell?

My gf

Definitely don't go to a hospital, especially if you're in the USA like me. Not only will you go massively in debt, but those places only make it worse. I don't know your whole situation but I would try to compromise with the person you told. Something like "I'll promise to go to therapy, but not a hospital and here's why…"

Wow ok.. I already did 4 therapies but.. this is why I feel so strange today.

It's a dilema, I'm only trying to find solutions for my gf, if she wasn't here, I would have done it in few days. But just because the time with her is good, I have doubts.

I know that ctb is the right choice for many reasons but, the doubt is only due to her. And today I don't know what to do

This is awful, I was so prepared to ctb

Anyway, thank you for your advices ❤

 

[FuneralCry]

I do believe that it really is a bad idea to tell other people about ctb plans because of the chance that they will interfere and just make things worse. We live in a world where suicide is so stigmatised after all and where many people don't respect the right to die. I would personally see it as best to write notes to others to give them some form of explanation and understanding rather than telling them before ctb. But that does sound like a difficult situation to be in, I wish you relief from suffering.

 

[Nirrend]

You say something very true. It's a real inner battle between what we really want and what society tells us to do. Every time I talk to someone, I feel guilty or it makes me feel weird to tell myself that these people think I'm going to live a long time. It takes me away from my precise BTC plan, and I'm not happier, much to the contrary. So I feel forced to distance myself and distance myself from people. Or to lie because as you say "if you're sure to leave, isolate yourself, otherwise you will lose sight of your goal".
I hope all is well with you, you seem to be going through something difficult. I send you all my prayers.

❤

I made a similar mistake in telling my relative, who didn't sympathise in the slightest and said I planned on doing it to make others happy.

It's a catch-22 personally, because I tell others "You're attention-seeking" or "You're being manipulative by threatening suicide, just to make people change". Therefore, I've learned to press on with my plans quietly.

I'm really sorry for you..

but now I understand why I have to be silent

I regret

I do believe that it really is a bad idea to tell other people about ctb plans because of the chance that they will interfere and just make things worse. We live in a world where suicide is so stigmatised after all and where many people don't respect the right to die. I would personally see it as best to write notes to others to give them some form of explanation and understanding rather than telling them before ctb. But that does sound like a difficult situation to be in, I wish you relief from suffering.

❤

 

[Niirvana]

I made the same mistake...

 

[watchingthewheels]

"Loose lips sinks ships."

 

[blue_muse]

❤


I'm really sorry for you..

but now I understand why I have to be silent

I regret


❤

Don't feel regretful. It's easy for us members on the outside to look in and advise. You're the one emotionally involved and what might seem like a no-brainer to us, is not so straightforward for you.

 

[Judy Garland]

I do the same thing. I'm completely honest with my therapists and have told them everything. I told them I have poison and it's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when. The only thing I kept private was the kind of poison, SN. There's nothing they can do. SN is completely legal to own and possess and they know this, all they can do is try to persuade me from not giving up on life. One of the reasons why I spilled by guts is because I don't want it said that I was dishonest with my therapist and I don't want it said that I didn't give therapy a fair shot. All we do is talk, it's like talking to a friend only they get paid. I don't think that therapy helps and the only reason why I'm still here is because of a few videogames that are coming out. It's so ridiculous. Everything in heaven is far better than anything here on earth so I don't understand why I can't just go.
I'm afraid too. I'm afraid that somehow, I'll fail with my SN and I'll just wake up with a massive headache and stomachache. I've pushed the date far into the future, it will probably be February of next year to be honest. I hope my SN isn't going bad. By February my SN is going to be pushing a year old. And there's air in the containers that its' kept in. (One in a bag, and one in a childproof capped container.) I've done the research and it takes years for SN to lose potency, but it's been a humid summer and I'm just worried. When I do make my attempt, I need it to pass, I can't deal with failure. It's so hard isn't it?

 

[chloramine]

For what it's worth I don't think that was stupid. Humans are incredibly social- it's an actual need. It makes perfect sense that you would want to share your thoughts and feelings with people you care about. It sucks and it's not fair that it backfires for so many, but the initial desire isn't wrong or stupid.