Weeks before CTB date I was distracted and did not think so in depth about it than I am these days. It's only when you get closer to that date when you start thinking about it, what it entails and consequences it can have. You start to think about ties if you still have those. In my case I do and they are the ones contributing to my survival instinct.
My main tie is my mom in her elderly age who will return abroad to hear the news. I am hoping she will get over it so she can return to the country where her loved ones are because here she will be alone. My death is the solution for that because of my inability to live by myself due to my problems. She is supposed to be in social living by now but because of me not settled in life and unable to self-sustain she did not go there and we are still tied to one another. I won't stay and care for her until the day she dies because I am not meant for this with my mental problems. As she got older she started caring less about me and tries not to think of what will happen to me because she has heart issues and it gives her high blood pressure. I fully understand that but I have served my part. I have been improving things at home and cleaning for past 2 weeks so she can benefit. That's the last that I can do for her and have the opportunity to exit now. My SN is over 3 years old which I hope is still potent.
Another tie of mine is fear of failing and potential damage to health. Failing can result in her hospitalization or death in the worst case and probably mental ward for me after hospitalization with no spare SN. I cannot fail this one.
My third tie is realization that all the experience, memories and feelings that I had do. not matter and will be forgotten and lost in a bit of a moment of endless time. What did I live for and what is that nostalgia for if it will be forgotten? It all seems like an illusion. It reminds of when I was little and was anxious and worrying when my mom would stay late at work. I would look outside the window and cry until I finally see her and it was a relief. Knowing I won't ever see her again reminds me of that feeling.
My fourth tie is the fear of unknown, what lies ahead since I believe there is continuation of consciousness and manipulation of those who govern this reality to prevent you from escaping. On the other hand others claim that death is a break from life and it's by our choice we make to come here to be able to contrast with other realities and this world here offers dual experience that other realities do not. But we are mortal and what other choice do we have to escape the inevitability? At least one should be thankful they don't die in suffering or in the worst possible way if we to look on the other bad side that most people prefer to not look at. I want to forget everything as it didn't matter to be free from this world and do not ever want to experience this world again.
Do you have your ties too that increase your survival instinct?
My main tie is my mom in her elderly age who will return abroad to hear the news. I am hoping she will get over it so she can return to the country where her loved ones are because here she will be alone. My death is the solution for that because of my inability to live by myself due to my problems. She is supposed to be in social living by now but because of me not settled in life and unable to self-sustain she did not go there and we are still tied to one another. I won't stay and care for her until the day she dies because I am not meant for this with my mental problems. As she got older she started caring less about me and tries not to think of what will happen to me because she has heart issues and it gives her high blood pressure. I fully understand that but I have served my part. I have been improving things at home and cleaning for past 2 weeks so she can benefit. That's the last that I can do for her and have the opportunity to exit now. My SN is over 3 years old which I hope is still potent.
Another tie of mine is fear of failing and potential damage to health. Failing can result in her hospitalization or death in the worst case and probably mental ward for me after hospitalization with no spare SN. I cannot fail this one.
My third tie is realization that all the experience, memories and feelings that I had do. not matter and will be forgotten and lost in a bit of a moment of endless time. What did I live for and what is that nostalgia for if it will be forgotten? It all seems like an illusion. It reminds of when I was little and was anxious and worrying when my mom would stay late at work. I would look outside the window and cry until I finally see her and it was a relief. Knowing I won't ever see her again reminds me of that feeling.
My fourth tie is the fear of unknown, what lies ahead since I believe there is continuation of consciousness and manipulation of those who govern this reality to prevent you from escaping. On the other hand others claim that death is a break from life and it's by our choice we make to come here to be able to contrast with other realities and this world here offers dual experience that other realities do not. But we are mortal and what other choice do we have to escape the inevitability? At least one should be thankful they don't die in suffering or in the worst possible way if we to look on the other bad side that most people prefer to not look at. I want to forget everything as it didn't matter to be free from this world and do not ever want to experience this world again.
Do you have your ties too that increase your survival instinct?
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