Venting i still cant process the fact ive been broken up with

[mashiroll]

i just feel as if i havent been myself ever since the breakup. i dont know where to start when it came to recovery. shortly after the breakup i told her i needed some space and ended up distancing myself for around two weeks before i decided to rekindle contact, but i feel like this was a big mistake i made that i probably cant turn back on.

in those two weeks i barely made any progress when it came to really... bettering myself. ive spent time with friends, ate good food, met a lot of new people recently that were fun to be with, but i cant help but feel that a part of me still feels in shock... like i really cant believe we have broken up. it took me a day to register her breakup message, that she actually broke up with me, and im not her girlfriend anymore. i still have her confession letter hung up on my apartment wall, and ive been delaying going back to my apartment as much as i can because the thought of entering my room and ripping that off scares me to no end. i reread a copy of it on my phone almost daily. i miss her so much. i havent been taking of myself well since the breakup, and i feel like i cant talk to anyone about it, mainly cause verbally admitting the fact that ive been broken up would probably send me into a spiral. i just want to go back in time 3 weeks ago where everything was still normal. 3 weeks ago she was still calling me sappy petnames, playing minecraft with me, letting me ramble about all my favorite pieces of media, and i was in the process of shipping her a present alongside a love letter back to her, almost like a reply letter to the letter she gave me. its the most beautiful thing someone has ever said to me. i dont know what to do from this point onwards, as much as i want to, i dont want to relapse. i dont want to hurt myself. but sometimes i feel like theres just nothing that can really help numb the pain. i dont really know if i want advice or for someone to let me know that itll get better.. i just want to let this out my chest. i havent told anyone this, and its been taking a really bad toll on my relationships

 

[ultradespair]

Sounds like a really painful breakup but I hope you can find another way to cope

 

[puddle]

I understand that feeling, after 10 months im still feeling the grief of losing him the same as day 1. I've learned that even if I still miss him dearly, my life goes on. Though my emotions haven't changed, I think of him less and im capable of having enjoyable moments without wishing he were there. When you truly loved someone this grief takes time. Don't get caught up on the time it takes to move on and instead celebrate the things you're able to do without grief day to day. That food you enjoyed eating WITH them, that game you guys played, or your favorite spot to hang out will be enjoyable fo you once again. Dont force yourself to move on.

Adding onto my previous message, my Grandmother gave me validation that helped me a lot. She told me that separating from someone you truly love will feel the same as grieving death. The death of your relationship, the death of the life you became comfortable with, the death of the future you thought you'd have. Would you tell someone whos loved one just died to move on in 3 weeks? Of course not, that would be extremely heartless. So dont beat yourself up about what you feel, and dont let anyone else beat you up over it either. Stay strong, and feel as much as you need.