I started seeing cracks in my own personality

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I started seeing cracks in my own personality. I was smart and intimidating, kind and energetic but extremely and weirdly defensive about being seen as crazy or as a liar. None of that was me. I've been the same me all these years, I've just been pushing it down. I'm not logical, I'm unstable. I started seeing the cracks once i got on this site again then i started cutting again. Then people changed and i changed and now I'm sitting in my soon to be dyed hair in my newly decorated room again. I care about exteriors quite a bit, my philosophy teacher told me that it was pointless but i just don't agree. It's human nature to care about beauty, everyone does it in their own way and this is mine. He said it's because it passes but i think it's the one pleasure that never passes, appreciating beauty sticks with you from youth to death and that's a part of humanity. Drowning that is drowning humanity but he wouldn't understand that, he's older and he thinks it's only about the way that i look and not about beauty as a whole. Anyway I'm a gentle person, i have a soft soul. That's how I've always been and that's how i always should be. I thirdwheeled for the very first time today, it was fun. They paid for my food and drink as a thank you for helping them meet up. I think i truly want to die this time. I'm sorry, i know I'm not making much sense. Everything is everywhere and things are just going so fast. I need to stop fearing death and learn to die, i think I'm suicidal again. One day i will die, what a relief. I haven't felt happy about that in so long, i can't wait. I'm glad to be alive so that i can get to die, thank you everyone who helped me stay alive until now. And thank you for reading until the end in the one place where i find people i can relate to