IDontKnowEverything
Please stop it
- Mar 2, 2025
- 121
Writing down my thoughts. I was unmoved by my own words , like usual, despite their honesty.. ok.
Rant, journal. Drunken (not really but yeah..), tired, thought dump.
So, I've been passive suicidal since my early years. My life isn't even that horrible in comparison to so many out there, out here. I've grown to deeply hate the way my brain works when I am it's point of reference.
I'm very ironically the one who is the most capable of a healthy mindset between some people I talk with, despite the fact I hide the fact of how I really am.
Better to listen than to talk, huh.. wonder if having someone to talk to back then would have helped me.
I don't have a set due date, I didn't stop but did lower my alcohol intake, I have been sh clean for 4 and a half months now and the urges lessened drastically.
I don't really have any particular feelings at those facts alone as I know it in my gut that this will all only only be temporary.
I want to feel proud for myself but.. yeah. The feeling just didn't show up, ig.
The moment my feelings resurface and my problems become more obvious I'm going to be in such rationally useless yet seemingly unavoidable mental agony again...
Think, think, think, that's all I ever did.
Yet I don't know what to think anymore.
I hate it all, I think. So many answers that are invalid because they stretch into the infinite unknown.
I imagine what death could be like sometimes. More so my lack of overall presence than the process it would imply.
It used to bring me comfort.
I won't be alive to see this and this anyway.
Yet I said that so many times it now feels like an empty promise.
I used to genuinely think it.
But I do have things holding me back here.
And they are growing heavier and heavier still. I can't fucking breathe, oh please please please, let me breathe.
But due to them, I can't go.
I used to expect a soon death and it also helped me live through some days.
I've had near death experiences. No, not only the ones we are unaware of, nor only the ones caused by accidents.
Please.
Because I realized I started growing afraid of dying.
And it isn't fun. And it's fucking contradictory. Are my body and my mind telling me different things? Which is which, even??
It doesn't feel healing at all, it's suffocating. It's so hard to breathe... and now I'm an escape down... I have to keep going since I'm clearly not ready for the way out.. I hate it so so bad, none of it is even funny..
..You guys have any music to reccomend if you made it this far? Or a digital hug... both would be appreciated either way. Love to you guys.
Rant, journal. Drunken (not really but yeah..), tired, thought dump.
So, I've been passive suicidal since my early years. My life isn't even that horrible in comparison to so many out there, out here. I've grown to deeply hate the way my brain works when I am it's point of reference.
I'm very ironically the one who is the most capable of a healthy mindset between some people I talk with, despite the fact I hide the fact of how I really am.
Better to listen than to talk, huh.. wonder if having someone to talk to back then would have helped me.
I don't have a set due date, I didn't stop but did lower my alcohol intake, I have been sh clean for 4 and a half months now and the urges lessened drastically.
I don't really have any particular feelings at those facts alone as I know it in my gut that this will all only only be temporary.
I want to feel proud for myself but.. yeah. The feeling just didn't show up, ig.
The moment my feelings resurface and my problems become more obvious I'm going to be in such rationally useless yet seemingly unavoidable mental agony again...
Think, think, think, that's all I ever did.
Yet I don't know what to think anymore.
I hate it all, I think. So many answers that are invalid because they stretch into the infinite unknown.
I imagine what death could be like sometimes. More so my lack of overall presence than the process it would imply.
It used to bring me comfort.
I won't be alive to see this and this anyway.
Yet I said that so many times it now feels like an empty promise.
I used to genuinely think it.
But I do have things holding me back here.
And they are growing heavier and heavier still. I can't fucking breathe, oh please please please, let me breathe.
But due to them, I can't go.
I used to expect a soon death and it also helped me live through some days.
I've had near death experiences. No, not only the ones we are unaware of, nor only the ones caused by accidents.
Please.
Because I realized I started growing afraid of dying.
And it isn't fun. And it's fucking contradictory. Are my body and my mind telling me different things? Which is which, even??
It doesn't feel healing at all, it's suffocating. It's so hard to breathe... and now I'm an escape down... I have to keep going since I'm clearly not ready for the way out.. I hate it so so bad, none of it is even funny..
..You guys have any music to reccomend if you made it this far? Or a digital hug... both would be appreciated either way. Love to you guys.
